Not trusting the advice

[Lassi]

Hi my husband has recently been diagnosed with clinical or severe depression. 

He has been under extreme pressure at work and financially for years and since around the beginning of this year he seemed to become more and more overwhelmed. Then in more recent months he strated avoiding coming home and withdrawing from me and our kids.  We could not get hold of him as easily as before - he was always at work day and night, stopped responding to calls, messages and emails.  Then he spent 6 weeks interstate and overseas - normally he would return between trips even if just for a few days to be with us but this time he didn't.  Upon his return about a month ago he left after a few short hours of being home - overwhelmed. He never returned home.

After spending an entire day working from a local park bench (unable to enter his office) he finally accepted my help to find him a psychologist and to see a GP for underlying health issues that might cause depression.  I understand he is currently on medication and seeing his psychologist weekly.

I am also seeing the same psychologist to help me get through this difficult time - we were supposed to attend together so that I could have the best chance of understanding what what going on but at his first session with me he clammed up and I had to leave the room so that he could open up.  When I was brought back in I was informed that my husband would be leaving the home for a month to clear his head. I was also informed that therapy would continue for both of us but not together and that he would maintain contact with 1 weekly phone call to say hi to me and the kids.  He has been gone the full month now with no signs of returning and the phone calls have not really been happening.

I suddenly find myself alone, confused and quite in the dark.  The phsycologist keeps reminding me that he is likely to be gone for much longer than the prescribed month and that he'll need lots of time.  That I should just leave him alone until/if he decides to make contact and that once he is able to think and feel again that then we might then be able to work on the marriage (he has questioned whether he would rather be alone than continue with our family).

I feel completely helpless and after such a long separation and distance (viturally no communication apart from financial matters) I am startting to feel that I am not even able to enquire about his health.  It feels like we are divorced and I have no claim to my husband anymore or him to me.  This does not seem right to me and I am really worried that this lack of contact is detrimental to him and potentially to our family.  Our 3 year old daughter asks for him daily and questions why he is working away for so long.

He is severly depressed, working alone and living alone 24/7.  I am not to call him or SMS him about anything personal - not even to ask how he is going or to tell him I love him or miss him or to send him a picture of the kids.  This all seems quite strange to me, would have been unimaginable for our relationship just 6 months ago and conflicts other advice I have been given which was to never leave him isolated and alone. 

Just looking for some feedback.  I don't force myself onto him as I don't want to put any pressure on him but leaving him alone like this goes against my intuition.  I worry that he might feel abandoned.  Even though he says he wants the space might he secretly be feeling like nobody cares enough?

Against my therapists advice I have contacted him on very rare occasions and once got a positive response - he asked me to join him for his GP visit that he had been avoiding until I said I'd arrange the appointment for him.  This would not have happened if I just left him alone as instructed. 

I am so torn, confused and worried.  Frozen into inaction for fear of doing the wrong thing by insisting to be part of his life and all the time that I leave him alone I worry that I am not doing enough to support him.

Sorry for the long post - any advice and personal accounts would be welcome.

 Thanks

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Lassi,

I had 3 months separation from my family to enable me to sort out mental health issues that included intiating an anger man course in 2006.  It was the best thing I've ever done.  There were a few calls only 2 - 3 visits and it was my wife that put the boundary in.

The professional assessment of letting him cope on his own first, etc, seems really harsh but it's possible that the counsellor is avoiding you more pain if the relationship was to really jar and be confronting as your husbands health deteriated.    At least this way your husband can start treatment.  But it's gonna really try your patience and the first time you see him you''ll be mixed - (1) very pleased for the contact, and (2) very angry for being controlled and having very little opportunity to "help".

Have you got something you can get your teeth into during his absence ?

Adios, David.

[dare2diva]

Hi Lassi

Sometimes separation is the best thing. No matter how hard, in the end the sufferer has to take responsibility for their own mental health and it can be difficult to do that when you have family around that might take on a carer role.

My suggestion is to go with it and be patient. Set your boundaries, rules etc for yourself. Negotiate these rules with your husband so you both know what the expectations are.

Take care

T

[confussed]

Hi Lassi, 

( you wrote on my post earlier) 

We are going though similar situation.. I can't give advice or imagine how it feels to have no contact with your husband while going though this.. 

Stay strong and take care of yourself 

will also follow your journey 

[vip]

Hi Lassi I separated from my husband for 2 yrs while i was getting through my depression same thing i attended numerous depression groups ect to get better . I am back home now and honestly at the time it was the best thing i did without dragging my husband even more down then he was. I know it is extremely hard for you and very upsetting but just give it time it will get better. take care

[Lassi]

Thanks everyone I am really moved by all your earnest responses. 

You have put my mind at rest somewhat especially when reading that those of you who have been through this before, and who took time out from your families for recovery, felt it was beneficial, necessary and even the best thing you could have done. 

I guess I have been trying to "imagine" what my husband might want/need beyond what he is actually requesting of me. Worried to be letting him down in his time of need by just backing off and getting on with my own things as has been suggested to me. 

I guess I am just going to have to trust that he knows what he wants and needs better than I do and trust my therapist's advice even when it seems counter-intuitive to me.

I get the impression that things got better for all of you?  I hope this is true.  This thought is really uplifting and has renewed my hope.

David, I certainly do have something to sink my teeth into while he is gone - self development - become a better individual, wife and mum. I have this vision that we will both emerge stronger as individuals and as a couple/family on the other side and this what I began focusing on once I got over the initial shock and panic.  Sometimes I waver though and revert to panic worried that life as I knew it is over forever (usually when I google "depression"). 

Sometimes, I feel a bit shallow and self indulgent to be focusing on myself at this time but there really is no "way in" for me right now to act as carer for hubby so I need to do something active, important and positive.

Thanks again for sharing, I had been nervous to post xxx

[geoff]

dear Lassi, separation can be good or it could be bad, and yours seems to in the middle but verging on the bad side.

I know what it feels like as my ex left me 3 times and she didn't worry, but I certainly did, and when I rang her up she was having a great time, laughing and enjoying the time, great hey.

I asked or more so pleaded for her to return with the 2 boys but it didn't happen until after awhile and then the rules were laid down, and probably the last time she returned was when my denial of depression disappeared and I started to see a psych.

When someone in the family becomes depressed then the whole unit is affected, and by saying that I don't believe that the therapist is looking after the whole family and just focusing on your husband, however he desparately needs help, and the longer he is away the worse the situation becomes. L Geoff. x

[geoff]

dear Lassi, I thought that I had replied to you, I'll wait and see. Geoff.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Lassi,

Being "self indulgent" is sometimes what you need. Maybe separation brings out the "focus" on yourself.   It's interesting that when these situations happen we always assume that a relationship will get back together and get back on track.  It's almost a more powerful thought than that of a prissy plan,  i.e. we shall both go to counselling every Tuesday at 4pm for the next 10 weeks.   And wear clean underwear !

Adios, David.

[Lassi]

Thanks Geoff,

When I first read your reply I got the impression that your wife was depressed but after re-reading I get the impression that you have the depression - is that right?   Yet you wanted your family around - you didn't yearn to be alone as it seem so many depression suffers do?