Not Coping Too Good

[Zaccy77]

Hi Everyone. I am new here and had a nurse at the hospital I am in recommend this site. At the moment I have been in hospital for the last 4 weeks on a Surgical Ward. I have diabetic ulcers on the side of both feet and under my big toe on my left foot which were really bad. After being in for 2 weeks with many x-rays and bone scans it came back that I have osteomyelitis in my big toe. This is a serious bone infection. What they are saying is that the infection from the ulcer on my big toe went into the bone and started spreading.

Yesterday (Friday 13th) I was moved to from the Surgical Ward to the Acute Rehabilitation Unit at the same hospital and was told that I will be in for at least another 5 weeks. Being in for just 4 weeks isn't helping my bipolar and anxiety as it is. But now having to be in for over another month is not helping me at all.

I am in a room with 3 other guys, a lot older then me, they are in there 80s, and this is really distressing to me due to some things that happened to me by an older guy when I was a child. It has brought my anxiety to the forefront all over again. They are really good at the hospital trying to do what they can. They are trying to get me into a single room to make things easier since I am going to be here for such a long time.

I just don't know how to handle this much more. I want to just leave but the problem is if I discharge myself I will 100% lose my toe, if not my foot is what they are saying. And with what it looks like and the pain (for which I am on morphine every 3 hours) I believe them too.

Any support and advice would be very grateful. Thank you!

[Doolhof]

Hi Zaccy77,

Welcome to the community here. It is wonderful a nurse was able to suggest that you connect with the forum! That is amazing! Well done tot he nurse!

I'm sorry to read of the situation you are currently in, medically, with your depression and anxiety and being in the ward. It does sound like the hospital staff are trying to be accommodating and understand your situation. It must be a tough situation for you.

I'm wondering if your anxiety might lessen if you were able to get to know these guys better or is that just not possible for you with how you are feeling? My thought was just if you could find some common ground and maybe form a basic friendship, than the anxiety might not be as high.

If this idea is totally unacceptable to you, than please ignore my ideas. I have not walked in your shoes nor lived your experiences.

On a happier note, there are many different sections to this forum. You might like to venture into the social section sometime if you are comfortable. There are all kinds of things discussed from favourite books, to happy memories and so on.

Do you have interests, hobbies, ideas of life that you might like to share here? I am sure that finding ways to fill in your time in hospital will be valuable to you. We may be able to point you in the direction of various thread here you might enjoy.

Hopefully you will feel welcome here in the forum community!

Cheers to you from Dools

[White_Rose]

Dear Zaccy

Hello and welcome. Thanks also to the nurse who made you aware of this site. You can be certain of your anonymity here. Sorry to hear of your physical ill health. Managing Bipolar as well must be difficult

Dools suggestion about making friends with the other guys in your room is good, but of course you may not be able to manage this. Out in the world, do you see a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor at all? If so can he/she pay you a professional visit in hospital. I know Medicare will give a rebate for a psychiatrist visit but not the other two. I suggest this because a familiar face is good but also they can see hoe well or not you are keeping and provide some therapy. Sorry if this is not possible.

Does the hospital have its own mental health staff? Can you ask for a visit from someone or go to see them. I am presuming you can move about in a wheel chair.

Dools spoke about the BB Social Zone and the myriad activities that go on there. It may help to have a distraction or two. Look at the various forums on here. At the bottom there is the Long Term Support Over the Journey. Click on that and scroll down to the thread called This Bipolar Life. It's rather long but may give you tips on how to manage. Most of all you can talk to others who walking the same path as you.

How are you with reading? Can you get e-books from your library? The hospital? They can be downloaded and again something else to keep your mind off the more uncomfortable happenings.

I hope at least some of these suggestions help.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Zaccy77~

I'm sorry you are stuck, being in hospital is the pits in all sorts of ways and it doesn't sound as if you have much ability to get up and move around.

Do you mind if I make a few practical suggestions? I know they may not fit as I don't know your resources or even interests.

Mrs D's suggestions of getting to know some of others might be an idea, depends on lots of things I guess.

I've found, when on a ward or even on a bed waiting in A&E that getting my mind out of the hospital is the only thing that works. I'm lucky in that I read - a lot - and always come armed with books.

If you prefer the digital world I'd beg or borrow a tablet (or any smartphone I guess) plus headphones (to mute the outside). Ensure you have enough data if you can.

There are whole worlds out there, from audio books (search for LibriVox) to podcasts (The ABC has many) to videos (search YouTube) and thousands of eBooks (search for the internet archive site called Open Library).

All the above may be OK when you are feeling you are coping, when things start to pile up and concentration fades you are most welcome here. In your own thread or elsewhere. As Mrs Dools says we have social areas to just chat:
Forums / BB Social Zone / The BB cafe
on The Arts:
Forums / BB Social Zone / Croix Parler
Happy Memories:
Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

Plus umpteen others.
Then there are the more serious threads like:
Forums / Long term support over the journey / This bipolar life

Please take your time and browse around. It can all seem a bit overwhelming at first, but as you talk with people it gets better.

If all gets too much at any stage you can ring the beyondblue support service on 1300 22 4636. More importantly if you need privacy use our web-chat line to the Support Service (details at the top of this and every page)

Sing out as often as you'd like

Croix

[Zaccy77]

It's now been 10 days since I posted my situation. And over this last ten days things have only gotten worse. I am still in hospital and it's now been 5 1/2 weeks in total so far and still with no end in site. It is making my depression and anxiety so bad it's not funny. The NUM and most of the nurses are being really helpful apart from 2 particular ones that are making things a little bit difficult. They moved me into a 4 out room with no one else in here to give me a bit of space to myself which was nice of them.

Well since all this it has come to light that I now have the disease through my inter foot, not just the toe. They are saying the 6 hour IV antibiotic drugs haven't been working. So weeks of this for nothing. They are now having to use an even stronger IV drugs every 3 hours which is making me feel sick and can hardly eat as I keep throwing it back up. I can keep some amounts of water down but that's about it at the moment. This is apparently something to do with the new IV drugs. I have now had 4 different PICC lines as they all keep failing and right now it's 8.30pm and I am waiting for the ICU doctor and Antisedic Registrar to come down to my unit and put ANOTHER one. It's a central line that goes in to near the heart for the IV drugs.

Now we also know why the pain has been getting so much worse and they have been having to increase the dose of pain medication which I am worried about taking cause I have been told you can get addicted to it as it is something like drugs, and that is really the last thing I want. I don't want to become an addict too, I have enough dramas in my life.

They are saying if there is no improvement by this time next week they will have to remove my foot before it spreads even further up the bone up the leg. This is scaring me to death and making my depression and anxiety go through the roof so much it's not funny.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to just pack up my stuff and leave the hospital and not deal with it. But the problem is I will 100% lose part if not all my leg by that stage as I won't want to come back to the hospital. I am just so scared and anxious. I have spoken with the hospital social worker but that really didn't help too much. It was more her talking the medication jargon about what's going on more then about how I am feeling about it all.

Any advice would be great as I go through the worst thing in my life ... And I have been through a hell of a lot in my years.

[Croix]

Dear Zaccy77~

Being in that situation is terrible. You don't have much say as it is all technical talk and you have no way of knowing what is effective and what is not. How you sort all that out I'm not sure.

I take a reasonable amount of pain medication for a spinal condition, but manage to keep the dosage in proportion with the level of pain, and at this stage am not addicted (touch wood). I guess the benefits might outweigh future problems at the moment, what do you think?

Your social worker does not sound much chop, out of her depth maybe. While it might be good to have someone translate medication regimes into everyday language I'm not sure that is all her role is meant to be.

Do you mind if I ask if you have anyone to visit and support you? When my partner was very ill I spent an awful lot of time in the hospital with her, and the nurses went out of their way to make it easy.

Being in your own room is a bonus, and gets rid of a lot of sights and sounds you can do without. With all that time to kill what have you been doing? I guess with that many meds it must be hard to concentrate at times.

Still you have that constant worry plus pain, distraction can be good. There were some suggestions before, anything any good?

I hope the infection starts to respond quickly on the new dosage.

Croix

[Zaccy77]

Thanks for your reply. To answer a few of your questions.

Nope don't have anyone to visit or support, this is very depressing in itself. I feel so lonely in here.

I spend most of my time on my phone or one my laptop. Or sleeping because of the pain medication. So really there isn't much else to do.

I just didn't realize when I was first admitted 5 1/2 weeks ago it would be such an ordeal and last so long and still with no end in sight at the moment. Very very depressing.

[Doolhof]

Hi Zaccy,

I'm really sorry to read you find yourself in such a predicament. If it helps you in some way, please keep connected here and share as much as you want to or need to. We may not be able to help you much, maybe the distraction will benefit you a little.

Croix has already covered things I would have mentioned myself. In your situation, I think the extra pain medication will be more beneficial than a problem. After an operation on my lower back I was in a lot of pain and put on strong pain relief medication, slowly I was able to reduce the amount, now I don't take nay at all.

There are times when these medications are very beneficial. Have you asked the Drs if they can give you something to help stop the sick feeling and the nausea?

Do you have an interest in something that we might be able to chat about with you here to help add a little distraction to your days?

After my back operation, I was incapacitated for about a year recovering. During that time a friend was on a world trip. I decided to have a "trip" of my own, my husband borrowed lots of travel books from the library, so I was able to enjoy a holiday through other people's travels.

Maybe you have something we can help you experience through the written word here.

I'm really so very sorry for the situation you are in, keep talking to the people around you, hopefully someone will be able to be there for you.

Sometimes on the forum we offer people "virtual hugs" , if you would like one, I offer one to you. Or maybe a comforting hand resting on your shoulder might be more your thing. (if you find that just too creepy that is okay, just ignore it).

Cheers from Dools

[Zaccy77]

OMG now my anxiety hits 450% as I am told this morning that I am going into surgery sometime later today to have some bone removed from my big toe on my left foot. They are saying the IV antibiotics are not working as much as they would like. And with the pain and redness of the toe getting worse they are going to try to remove the infection from the bone in the toe. However they are worried the infection may have spread up the foot after another MRI Bone Scan this morning.

If this is the case they are saying they may have to either amputate my toe or foot whilst in surgery. I am scared so much that if they do that my life would be over. It would mean having to learn to walk all over again and a massive stint in rehab. I am in tears just writing this ... I don't know if I should have the surgery this afternoon or not. I am so scared. If I don't sign the consent form they can't do anything. But if I don't at least try and have them just remove the bone from the toe I will end up losing it anyway.

** So scared and nervous that I just don't know what to do and with no one to talk to or support on this it is so damn hard **

[Doolhof]

Dear Zaccy,

I am so very sorry you are going through this all alone by the sounds of it. I cannot imagine for one moment how you are feeling. I'm not sure if you will receive this message before you go into theatre or not, if that is what you decide to do.

Oh dear Zaccy, how I wish you had someone there with you to hold your hand through all of this or rest a comforting hand on your shoulder.

My words feel totally inadequate. I've sent up some prayers for you Zaccy, I don't know if that is a comfort to you or not, maybe just knowing I care and others here do as well might make a difference in some tiny way.

Please keep in touch Zaccy! We may not be of much help to you, but we here on the forum can offer you as much support as we can through the screen.

Sending you best wishes that the Doctors will be able to help you without the operation being too severe. Once again, I don't know what to write Zaccy!

Thinking of you. From Dools