No room for this illness

[Sharny]

Hi,

I'm prompted to write due to a recent disclosure I made to a friend regarding my illness. Just over three weeks ago I decided to let a friend in on my anguish just by discussions over lunch. My intentions have always been clear, hiding my illness and people pleasing to cover up. Not so long ago I noticed a decline in my mental health and I've made some changes necessary to help myself. I feel hurt, confused and let down to say the least because I let a friend in on my illness and it has not been received very well. I've always hidden beneath appearances ( not proud of it) when out with people I appear well dressed and my house is always kept well and styled beautifully. I mix in a circle of middle class Melbourne women most of which have husbands like mine in well paid careers.

I don't know if there is room for my illness? Like it or not, I have it. I revealed my illness because I was telling a friend I need to slow things down for my health. She asked why? I don't know why I let her in on it but I really regret it because I feel she lacked any basic understanding or compassion, horrible experience. Cutting a long story short, I feel this illness and any mental illness not just bipolar, is cruel and misunderstood. The ignorance shown by my friend has left me gutted. This is a woman who not so long ago commended me on my achievements, always came around with her kids for a swim, long BBQ's in summer by the pool offering compliments on my knack of entertaining and cooking.

One week after I told her my history and that I've let some of my own care slide, she hops on social media insinuating via different memes etc about my particular illness. Childish, cruel, ignorant behaviour I was not expecting left me feel cold, isolated and confused. I hope she has not shared what I disclosed. Ok, so a bit of a fall out, I'm a grown woman why does this bother me? It bothers me because no one with mental illness should have to hide, it's the worst outcome.

How can a person go from being in my life for so long to just treating me like nothing?

Thank you for listening.

Sharny.

[hayleynew]

Hi Sharny,

Mental illness does not discriminate. It doesn't matter if you are a different colour, culture, ethnicity or religion. Out of all of the feelings this friend has given you, that is one she can not take away. I think maybe instead of asking yourself, do I have time for this illness, ask yourself (if you don't already know that is), why do I have this illness? What is causing me to feel this way? What triggers my illness? And most importantly, how can I move on from this and feel better?

Unfortunately, many people with Depression and Anxiety still have a stigma in regards to mental health. You should probably ask why this affected your friend in such a dramatic way. Would I be right in suggesting you have a supportive husband and good circle of friends? You need a supportive network and being a keyboard warrior is not what a friendship is about.

The unknown tends to be a fear for many and simply, if she can't be supportive of then it should be up to you as to whether continuing a friendship that is based around cruel, childish and hurtful remarks is wise. You may think about talking it over with her about how you felt when she did/said what she did/said. You could try this method:

I felt... (list a feeling or feelings) when ...happened. Never say 'when you did...YOU made me feel...' This perpetuates the blame on someone and can start as a defensive conversation. An example of how to use this would be, 'I felt when comments were made about my illness and when I tried speaking about my illness, I felt unsupported'.

Next, work out why she reacted the way she did. If you give her options, you can narrow them down to get a specific answer and not presume. The example in this situation might be, 'I don't know whether it's because it wasn't understood what I meant by illness or if it's something that was misunderstood'. There could be several reasons...

The next step is values. Her values might be based around her friendship, trust, confidentiality etc. Use this example,'I know that your values are based around friendship and trust...' This is a very broad example. ONLY use this as a guide as it applies to the finer details of YOUR story. Lastly, work out your main goal (even if it is never to speak to he again!). You can say, 'What I would like to get out of this is...'

Best wishes and hope you have found this post helpful,

hayleynew

[blondguy]

Hi Sharny

You have written and taken some serious effort to write your post. I think we have spoken before briefly if memory serves. You have done well to 'reach out' to a friend about how you feel....and she has let you down big time....especially getting on the silly social media about your personal health.

Social media can be bad news even if someone is being 'non specific' about what you are going through.

"Childish, cruel, ignorant behavior" This seems to be more common than I thought re social media....as your friend has the lack of courage to speak to you face to face she will throw some darts at you through FB or an equivalent.

Sharny, I entrusted my own health issues (anxiety....depression) to others when I was a senior manager in corporate Australia....The results were dismal...even though I thought I was 'reaching out'.....no more..

Your friend of many years may have to be careful as she is not 'immune' from mental illness of any type....She has spoken/written what she has through pure ignorance and some self gratification...

My kind thoughts for you Sharny

Paulx

[Sharny]

Hi Hayleynew,

Thank you for your reply to my post. You've covered lots of points in your reply and I've hoaned in mainly on your suggestion in how I approach her about it. It's easy to approach in a manner starting with YOU made me feel instead of starting of with how I felt about her actions because such strong feelings are involved. If I choose to approach her and I'm in two minds when at this stage I'll certainly take that suggestion on board. I feel there's no room for the illness because I can't let people in on the reasons I'm slowing down. I certainly don't feel like sharing again, not ever with any friends. I thought this might be part of my process as I'm getting older but I've no confidence in sharing again. It's lonely, terribly lonely. I asked myself yesterday whether I was being reasonable because this disorder like many mental illnesses is not understood by everyone. It's foreign to her, fine. It was the lack of empathy shown when i explained how i need to take care of myself so as to give the best chance to steady myself through the illness. I did try and put myself in her shoes and think how I'd feel if given information like that. I've been relatively well over the past 11 years, lower levels of depressive side, some hypomania and no full blown mania or psychotic symptoms to deal with. I had one episode of mania with psychotic symptom (delusion) long time ago and I never want that again. I've been told menopause could play a part due to hormones in full blown mania and psychotic symptom but I'm prepared. I can get an onset of full mania given my diagnosis as the psychiatrist has advised regardless of 'menopause but I've been spared of that. The depressive side can be unrelenting but i have been functional for some time and not as impaired. Th'e main cycle of depressive side is the morbid thoughts that grip for a time and I can struggle to 'feel' the pleasure but im functional aside from that and decision making fine.When depressive side hit at worst i could not leave my home for 4 -5 months a long time ago. I feel this will always be my struggle because I know where bipolar took me at its worst. I have a brother who regularly gets admitted to hospital with bipolar, suffers terribly.

Thank you for suggesting about having a main goal in mind. I guess I also feel threatened since she mixes in same group. If she manages to let the others know it could end up either loosing them or someone understanding. Out of my control.

[Sharny]

Hi Paul,

Yes we have spoken before indeed. I've been on and off the forum.

Thanks for your lovely kind reply too!

I think that it's incredibly brave of you to entrust your issue at Senior corporate level, that would be difficult and sorry to hear it was not received well. You must of felt terrible but it sounds like you have lots of strength too from reaching out in the first instance. It's a horrible feeling to put yourself out there only for things to go sour.

Social media is one of the areas I'm thinking of pulling out of purely not good for my mental health, over stimulating, idea provoking. It was a huge blow to my system even when she had a non specific meme, it was directly about bipolar in a cruel way.

I've thought about joining a support group face on in melbourne for mental health just to get out with people who have these issues, hear about and talk with others.

Thank you once again, bb definitely has lovely people!

[Sharny]

By the way, I meant to say your illness not your issue!

[blondguy]

Hi Sharny

Its always a treat to hear from you. You speak from not only the heart but from your head as well...Nice1

I didnt want to sandbag social media too much (above) so I kept it gentle. Just for me and my issue/illness/disorder etc...I found myself taking my FB account way too seriously. I found myself checking it every day.....for about 3 years like an OCD habit....until I realised it was non productive to my health.....then dumped it.....

Thankyou for your kind hearted compliment about telling my directors that I had anxiety and had difficulty...It took a lot of strength but it only opened the gate for more pain from people that only had a focus for their profit levels.....This was only in 2010.....Worksafe & OH&S were inept where mental illness were concerned....I wont make that mistake again..(by telling the truth)....

I understand you trusted your friend and she broke the trust you extended to her....so whether its corporate or a friend it seems to end in pain unfortunately when we 'reach out'

In January this year I was very hesitant about posting when I joined BB. Its probably the best therapy I have had by doing so. I have been able to help (as much as I can) others and 'make a difference' to people in pain.

How was your weekend? I hope it was reasonably good to you...

My Best

Paul x

[Sharny]

Hi Paul,

Oh, that's lovely to say I speak from the heart. Yes, I'm able to open up on this forum because I know many others suffer from mental illness so that allows me to speak for sure. It's nice that you have provided others with kindness through their struggles and problems because mental illness is already isolating enough. This forum provides just that one avenue for any person to express how they are feeling outside of professional consultations with therapist etc, if anything just breaks down some of the struggle.

Yes I find that incredibly sad that you revealed the truth in your work place and were denied proper treatment. I think to endure that you are a strong willed character because opening up in a setting like that takes immense courage. Like you said, never again well I've unfortunately adopted that line of thinking now because I don't wan't anyone to know. I figure that if I have to adjust things I will do so with exercising a standard no here and there or a sorry it does not suit right now perhaps another time approach without further explanation. I've just been so disappointed and it's created more anxiety if anything now which I don't need.

Thanks for getting back again, much appreciate it and I hope you are travelling ok.

Take care,

Sharny.