New

[MaryG]

Hi everyone, I have read quite a few posts now and I can see there is a lot of support out there. I am new to this label of depression but I realise now that at 47 years of age I have suffered for most of my life. I just didn't have a name for it. It took a death of someone very close to me and some other huge life upheavals to break down my defence against it...and I haven't been coping that well for a couple of years now. I am at it's mercy. One thing I can't get my head around is how I can feel good one day and then crash and burn so badly the next. I don't get how my family and friends can suddenly mean nothing to me and how I could even consider ending my life. But there are days and weeks when I can't get the thoughts out of my head. Alcohol is a problem for me and I know it's bad and I can go without for a while but then I'm back on it and the whole guilt thing kicks in with the deceit and hiding it from everyone. I just want to feel good. I read a book recently and the author described the voices in her head as the depression talking. It made total sense to me but I had never thought of it that way before. When they tell me I'm not good enough, or I'm stupid or I'm ugly....its not true, its just the depression. The black dog. This has helped a little. The weird thing is I have positive voices too. I mentioned it to my husband once and said that the voice in my head was pushing me on and telling me I could keep running and not to quit (I was running in a race) He didn't know what I was talking about. He has no voices...positive or negative. Am I the weird one? 

I am working in a foreign country for the next couple of weeks. I crave the solitude, but it's not good for me. The hotel room is quiet and gives my mind too much space. Those negative voices came with me and the vodka is very cheap here. Not sure why I am writing this...other than I think I need some help.

[geoff]

dear Mary, hello, and I am so pleased that you had the fortitude to post to us, as there are many other people who would dearly love to post a comment but feel guilty, shy or think that their problem is not of any great concern, which is wrong, because they may have viewed previous comments which means they maybe depressed.

I just wonder whether you have been diagnosed by a doctor, but I would encourage you to google 'bipolar depression' and see if this suits what you are feeling.

Drinking alcohol, like myself when in depression is a way we try and numb these awful thoughts, so I can't condone you from doing this, but once your depression is under control then your consumption will lighten up.

With depression we always have negative thoughts and yes there are always voices running around in our mind telling us to do this or that which may not be appropriate.

I often refer to a cartoon with Fred Flintstone where he is standing and thinking, on his right shoulder is an angel figure of Fred, and on his left shoulder is the devil figure of him, both are trying their utmost to convince him to go their way, well that's us when we have depression.

So you are not crazy by having these thoughts, and to try and convince someone who has never been to hell and back is impossible, they don't believe a word we say.

What you could do is to click on 'resources' at the top of this page and order all the material with regards to depression and more, it's free, and very good, this might mean that your husband can read it, and hopefully he does.

Having solitude is what we all want in depression, we don't want noise, nor to have to make decisions, don't want to justify why we can't do the shopping or cleaning.

Maybe you could go and see a doctor where you are now, just to start you on some antidepressants, but ideally when you come home book an appointment with your own doctor which would be more preferable.

There is medication that could help stop you from drinking, but as your new, we are not allowed to mention the names of them, but your doctor will know.

What it does is to stop the craving to drinking alcohol, but it will only work if you don't want to drink any more, and even if you do drink there will be no buzz form it.

It seems as though you are really alone at the moment, so please keep in touch with us. L Geoff. x

[The_Real_David_Charles]

"The weird thing is that I have positive voices too"

Dear Mary,

The mix of good / bad thoughts might be a good thing.  Sometimes you get to re-group and kick on and other times it's too hard to do anything.

I'm bipolar and immediately I thought "that sounds like bipolar - changing moods faster than you can change clothes for a night out".  But then it's probably another part of your coping mechnism - to try and achieve something.   Running a race and really getting motivated seems to suggest a lot of desired control and result.   If only you could get that mindset when you're in that hotel room "with too much space" (? the hotel is inside a Planterarium with $20 million dollar Hubble Telescope. Lol).

It's your choice to replace the cheap vodka with other drinks. I had a neighbour abuse me the other month and tell me I was a Fat F**k.   The dispute got settled - he was very angry at losing custody of his kids.   My neighbour is now OK in relations with me and I am even considering a cheeky Christmas Card - from Fat F**k.  Maybe a bit of humour or misdirection will make the overseas trip less reclusive and bitter.

Bit of a contrast - inner turmoil, blocked, locked into negativity, and the hotel room with it's large area and view of Uranus.  My voices in my head are mainly music as I'm a composer.    If I spend too much time in one space my dog says "Just throw the damm ball".

Adios, David.

[Ben_of_the_Plains]

Hi Mary,

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My situation is similar to yours in many ways, I too have suffered all of my adult life, and only recently sought help. I too have struggled with alcohol abuse, as well as emotional numbness (except guilt - for some reason that one always seems to stay around!).

You certainly aren't weird for having 'voices' in your head - I believe we all have an internal dialogue (that is, our thoughts) that is always going. The thing with depression (just from my own experience) is that it dictates the types of thoughts.

Just so you know, it is very common for people who have mood disorders to also have drug and alcohol problems. For many of us, it's a way of making our minds quiet (or just 'different') so we can escape for a little while. It's the only way that we gain a little control over what's happening in our own minds.

All that said, the fact that you have posted here says you've probably been thinking about asking for help for a while. I can tell you that asking for help can be very confronting as well as scary, but like anything in life, it does get easier with practice!

It's well worth asking yourself, if you ask for help, what's the worst thing that could happen? If your experience is similar to mine, you'll probably find that you have very little to lose and a lot to potentially gain. And then if you do start receiving some form of treatment and you aren't happy with it, you can either change it, or stop it.

Please let us know how you go. 

[MaryG]

Thanks for your responses everyone. It really helps to know that I am not alone. I have been to my GP and told her of the depression and suicidal thoughts and a little about the alcohol. She sent me to a counsellor and I went a few times but it was really hard talking about my feelings. She challenged me often and I just didn't have the answers to her questions. She suggested I talk to my GP about medication, but I'm too shy/embarrassed to have that conversation with her. I have tried to talk to a couple of friends also but I always chicken out. Other people seem so able to just spill their guts out and talk about such things to me, but I can't go there. I don't know how to start the conversation. Everyone thinks I am so together and amazing. If only they new. Thing is I was off the alcohol for a few weeks and I felt really good. I was even happy. But for some reason one day I just couldn't walk past the bottle shop without going in.and here I am again in its grip. 

[Ben_of_the_Plains]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for posting back! It can be a very difficult thing to be open about - it's never a pleasant feeling when you need to show your vulnerabilities. It's also bloody embarrassing!

Just something to think about. If you aren't completely honest with your GP about what is happening, how are they supposed to be able to give you the right help?

Your GP can help with problems like alcohol abuse/addiction. But only if they know it's a problem for you.

I'm not saying I was able to go to my GP and spill my guts either (at least not all in one go!), and oddly, talking to my GP about my alcohol problem was actually more embarrassing for me than talking about my depression.

I was admitted as an inpatient at a mental health hospital for my depression for a second time earlier this year. Coincidentally (and I have to say my worst nightmare at the time!), a former colleague of mine was also an inpatient at the same time. The first thing she said to me was 'OMG! What are YOU doing here?!? You have everything together!' The only response I could give her was 'No, unfortunately I've just become very good at making it LOOK LIKE I have it all together, and as far as depression goes, no one is immune.'

I can also honestly tell you that I know the feeling of having a mental conversation with yourself about how today, you aren't going to go to the bottle shop. Next thing you know, you're telling yourself you've had a rough day, and you can always not go to the bottle shop tomorrow, right? And before you know it, you're sitting on the couch, alone and drunk, with bottles littered everywhere... 

It doesn't have to be that way.

In fact, I wish my depression was as easy to treat as my drinking problem was! But the thing is they often go hand in hand. Without dealing with both problems, it becomes very difficult to treat either.

Please let us know what you decide to do.

[geoff]

dear Mary, it's very easy to 'to chicken out' if you want to talk to your friends, because the first thing they will say is that your are an alcoholic, or a piss pot, and that label will attach itself to you forever, just like myself when I was depressed and drank alcohol, now it doesn't bother me, because I'm not a piss pot now.

If I was you I would change counsellors or psychologists as this one was far too heavy on you, people with problems have to be 'treated with rubber gloves'.

It's important not to give up. L Geoff. x

[MaryG]

Thanks  so much Geoff and Ben, it is so weird for me actually talking about this and getting such worthwhile responses. Yeah that counsellor was rough on me. I told her that my husband was staying up all night on suicide watch, which he was, and so she suggested he come in for a session. It turned into couples counseling then and it wasn't about me at all. I was directed to her because she is a grief counsellor and my father's illness and death was the trigger for my recent decline. It is so hard to go back to the doctor even though I know I should. I feel like a hypochondriac. Plus I have convinced my husband that I'm doing ok now. So hard to turn around and say I'm not. He worries so much and I like how we are now. I don't want to kill the mood. So why do I drink in secret and to the point of passing out every night when I am on my own? I feel like I don't even want to sometimes but I do it anyway. It makes me feel good for about 10 minutes and then I spend the rest of my time chasing that feeling. I get so crazy sometimes, so kind of worked up, I don't really know how to describe it. It's like I need something but I don't know what. I feel desperate and so on edge. Sometimes I deliberately harm myself, mostly after I wake from a pass out, but not always, sometimes in the middle of the day for no reason. I just want to feel better. I don't know how self harm achieves that, but somehow it does. Wow this is turning into a full on confessional. So screwed up. 

[MaryG]

I hate this country! I used to love it here..I wrote this whole post before and tried to post but the connection failed. Aaargh! Finally felt like I was making a connection and now it's all screwed up. I tried the online chat here and on lifeline but its only for people in Australia. I'm I am an Australian, why would it exclude me and boot me off? 

[geoff]

dear Mary, it's a pleasure talking with you as I can relate to it so much.

dear BB can you please look into this for Mary as it's important for her to be able to talk to online chat. Thanks Geoff.

Mary please don't even think that you are in any shape or form a hypochondriac, I never believed that I was, and I suppose that we who have depression have been called that, and this so unfair to even mention it to us, because this illness just wipes away a large chunk of our life. Period full stop. lol

I do understand that when the mood is good it's so hard to want to change this, however you are doing this for your husband, which is great, but it won't last forever before the big crash happens again, and your not prepared for this, and this is what worries me so much.

We drink in secret because we don't want other people to criticise us and/or to tell us 'that you have had enough so stop drinking', which only wants us to drink more, so that's why we hide it.

We also don't want them to see how much we consume, because then we are called an alcoholic and/or piss pot, and in their eyes we are, but they don't take into consideration the only reason we do it is because we aren't well.

You make a good point here ' It's like I need something but I don't know what', and this is the missing link, and there is no real answer to this statement, or maybe we think that by getting under the weather it will be much better tomorrow, but that's the alcohol talking.

Only until you have accepted the death of your father, and I am sorry for this, will you be able to learn how to adjust again, and this is where it becomes a difficult task. L Geoff. x