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[MaryG]

Hi everyone, I have read quite a few posts now and I can see there is a lot of support out there. I am new to this label of depression but I realise now that at 47 years of age I have suffered for most of my life. I just didn't have a name for it. It took a death of someone very close to me and some other huge life upheavals to break down my defence against it...and I haven't been coping that well for a couple of years now. I am at it's mercy. One thing I can't get my head around is how I can feel good one day and then crash and burn so badly the next. I don't get how my family and friends can suddenly mean nothing to me and how I could even consider ending my life. But there are days and weeks when I can't get the thoughts out of my head. Alcohol is a problem for me and I know it's bad and I can go without for a while but then I'm back on it and the whole guilt thing kicks in with the deceit and hiding it from everyone. I just want to feel good. I read a book recently and the author described the voices in her head as the depression talking. It made total sense to me but I had never thought of it that way before. When they tell me I'm not good enough, or I'm stupid or I'm ugly....its not true, its just the depression. The black dog. This has helped a little. The weird thing is I have positive voices too. I mentioned it to my husband once and said that the voice in my head was pushing me on and telling me I could keep running and not to quit (I was running in a race) He didn't know what I was talking about. He has no voices...positive or negative. Am I the weird one? 

I am working in a foreign country for the next couple of weeks. I crave the solitude, but it's not good for me. The hotel room is quiet and gives my mind too much space. Those negative voices came with me and the vodka is very cheap here. Not sure why I am writing this...other than I think I need some help.

[MaryG]

Hi Geoff, it seems so obvious now. Why couldn't I see or know that? The void is the depression.

i had an amazing day yesterday, appointment with the psych in the afternoon. I didn't take any withdrawal medication because I'm not supposed to drive while taking it. I really wanted to drive myself because in that annoying space in my head I was planning to visit a bottle shop while I had the opportunity. I got to the shops where the psych is and there was a vacant space right outside the bottle shop. I was early and if it had been 3 weeks ago, I would have walked in and bought a bottle of Vodka with no hesitation, filled my water bottle, had a huge mouthful, and gone to my appointment. I walked to the little supermarket instead and bought a bottle of water, still thinking that when I came out I would get the vodka. 

My time with the psych was so good. She has really started to open my eyes to some of my thought processes and she talked to me a lot about coping mechanisms and how we learn them when we are young and keep using them throughout our lives. When things are overwhelming they don't work any more. For me we talked about  my fear of failure, my need to appear strong even though I'm collapsed inside. Also how I use the alcohol to deal with the despair. It is so incredible to me to be so open about my alcohol use with someone so non judge mental. To actually say out loud that I would normally have a drink at 6 in the morning to get me started is weird.

so I left her on such a high really. Probably mostly because I was medication free and it's been dulling me a bit. I sat in my car again right outside that bottles shop door for 10 minutes maybe. Then I texted a friend and told her where I was and that I had decided to drive home instead. 

I couldn't sleep last night my mind was racing but not in the usual bad way. I gave in and took a sleeping pill. 

About 13 days sober now.

Talk soon, Mary.