my life is going down hill and I can no longer find my way back to the top

[scozzie]

Hi I'm scott

I have been falling back in to the hands of depression now for over a year it has slowly gotten worse now it has got a full hold on me atleast 1 in 3 days I'm so badly depressed I just lay in bed pretty much running over my issues time and time again and hating my self for how I feel and for letting things get like this.

No matter how much time I spend going over my issues I can never find a solution.

So storey as short as I can.

I have been in a relationship about 8 years have 2 children. But started to no longer love my partner about the time the depression began actuelly started to hate being around her.

She changed I changed both our lives were going in different directions we started to not share the same interests. Then I started to have feelings for a good friend who I've known for awhile now like 6 years. Started getting really close she suffers depression I was one of her supports we talk nearly every day some times for 6hrs straight.

I started to talk with her about my issues to about my failing relationship mostly. One day I was stupid and told my friend I liked her this nearly cost me our friendship a few months later things came good again with me and her was like I never said it things were good there. But my feelings remained.

A few weeks after this My partner went in to my fb and txts and read every thing while I was asleep and at work so we broke up. She moved out after 6 weeks we decided to try and make things work well it's not it's making me depressed and angry and well I am still crazy for this friend of mine 9 months on this is were it gets hard.

So this girl and I talk every day still about alot we can talk about nothing and still make each other smile and laugh. A few weeks ago she told me she dreamed about me and her going out some were together and romanticly kissing each other.

Now clearly this made things harder for me as I like her. Since then till now just over a month she has gotten really close and touchy feely with me one day it's like she wants to give us ago next she shuts me out puts up a force field I have not told her I still like her. There is alot more but I think you get the idea I'm lost.

I want to leave my partner im unhappy but scared to lose my kids and I want to tell this girl I still like her but I'm scared to lose her if she still only wants a friendship. Thanks for reading 

[White_Rose]

Hello Scott

Thanks for telling us your story and welcome to Beyond Blue. Your life certainly sounds complicated and difficult. It seems a bit like the chicken and egg. Which came first, the depression or the relationship woes?  Not that it really matters when you are hurting.

I'm not clear if you and your partner are still living together. It looks like it from your post. So tell me, do you want to leave your partner because of your feelings about the other girl or because the original relationship collapsed? It really is important to recognise what is happening as this will affect your decisions.

To help you come to some sort of resolution, have you thought of marriage guidance counseling or similar? Lying in bed and letting all the thoughts whirl round will not solve a thing. In fact it usually makes you less motivated to work on a solution. Part of this is the action of your depression and I wonder if the change in your feelings is also the result of depression. Many people claim they no longer love their spouse while in the grip of depression.

When you have been depresed in the past have you received any counseling? If yes, then can you return to the counsellor? If no, then it would be a good idea to see your GP and get a referral to a good psychologist.

The issue of access to your children is also an important consideration. Things to thinks about. Will staying with your present partner be better for your children than leaving? It's a hard question. Constant turmoil in the home can be more destructive than separate households, good relationships and set rules of access and conduct. No easy answers there.

Having, hopefully, given you something to think about I will make a last suggestion. Get your depression under control first. It will help to sort out your relationships with both women in your life.  It may be that talking to the second girl is more attractive because you both have the same illness.

Do you have any topics of conversation other than depression? You could be holding each other back. Or you could be helping each other. It takes a better brain than mine to work it out, but please consider the possibilities.

Hope to hear from you again

Mary

[scozzie]

Hi thank you for you reply.

Me and my partner live apart since the break up. She comes to stay at mine with the kids. Now as to how feelings well I don't even like being around her any more I have no connection to her any more only makes me mad and depressed.

Now as to talking with the other girl we don't only talk about depression we just talk joke about and have fun 90% of the time.

Now as to leaving my partner I want to leave her regardless of this other girl but of course yes I'd like to leave her and be with this other girl. My mind truly is a mess.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Scott

I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

As you and Mary have already suggested;  yes, it’s a tricky situation.   Ok, so you’re living apart.  To me, that reads like you’re broken up, yes?   Or are you living apart and trying to give it another go;   or are you living apart in order to get prepared for the break-up?   Have you spoken in depth to your partner about this?  With regard to the break-up, etc?   

To me it sounds like it’s all over as far as you’re concerned.  Is your partner of the same feeling also?  If both answers are yes, then it’s a pretty easy (relatively speaking) course of action from hereonin.  This is the big issue here I think.

The other question to ask you is:    Just say that this is over with your partner and it’s finished and done with.   But then what or how would you feel if you went and tried for a relationship with this other lady, only to be told, that ‘no, she doesn’t want that with you’.   What I’m getting at here is, are you feeling stronger about leaving your partner with the potential knowledge that there ‘might’ be something ‘alive’ with this other lady?   You’ve said that you’d leave your partner regardless, but I just wanted to check once more.   Why?   Cause it’s a huge decision in your life;  and you’ve also got the 2 children to think of also.

Hope I haven’t asked too much and forgive me, as I’m not saying yay or nay to anything;   just trying to provide questions for you to ponder on.

Cheers

Neil

[Meegannn]

Hey scott! Laying in bed sending myself crazy is my specialty!

I have no idea how to give advice but I do know that sometimes people need to do things for themselves. You need to do what will make you happy. And if your not sure what will make you happy (I never am!) Do what feels right. You can't force love and when there are little ones involved it makes everything so much harder, the happier you are, the happier they will be. 

Be selfish for a little while and put yourself And your happiness first, do what you need to do to feel better!

Good luck : )

[scozzie]

Hi thanks for your reply

We split up for about 6 weeks but stayed living together while she found a house the week be for she moved out we decided to try again but live apart. All seemed good for 2 weeks then slowly went down hill again I became more and more depressed and annoyed due to not being happy.

I am on  2 1/2 week holiday alone well kind of. So first week and a half the other girl I like was with me to this time brought us alot closer. Now since the day I left for holiday I have not thought of my partner not once have I missed her any thing. I see her more like a friend and mother of my kids have done since be for our break up. Yes I told her this I told her no promises but we can try again. 

So my real thought is regardless if me and this other girl get together or not and I see it as unlikely. I am still unhappy and in a loveless relationship that is a lie. 

I know if I leave my current partner I will be happier.

I know if I tell the other I like her and she doesn't feel the same I will be sad but that is some thing I can move on from or I can not tell her and just enjoy our friendship and thats like a best friend thing we are extreamly close.

But even though I know these things I still panic worry and stress hope that all makes sense on mobile so can't prof read

[scozzie]

Hi thanks for the reply

You sound a lot like my friend the one I like  haha your last words are what she has told me so many times well your hole post is lol thank you honestly makes me feel better but I find it hard to be selfish I have a big heart I could hate some one and still help them when in need mmmm 

[Neil_1]

Hi Scott

I think Meegann’s last sentence is very good and makes a lot of sense.   We get one crack at this life.  If we find we’re in a situation that is not making us happy, then decisions have to be made.  That’s the tough part and I guess a reason for why so many people potentially live in relationships that are strained and not overly good.

So I guess now, it is all down to how you wish to proceed forward.

Neil

[scozzie]

Thank you so much every one I made the first step last night by talking with my partner well now ex partner told her how I felt and why.

Now for the next step I need to come clean with my friend about how I feel about her this is the tricky bit as I need to do it but don't want to loose our friendship if it's not mutual.

But I feel a lot better and more hope full already wish me luck by tonight I'll be one of 2 things happier then ever or more depressed then ever hmmm hope it goes well.

[Neil_1]

Hey Scott

Ok, big steps being taken by you.   I hope that it all went over smoothly with regard to your ‘ex’.   I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned if she is “ok” with all this;  although having said that, it’s really none of my bee’s wax anyway.  

But mate, with regard to this coming clean with your other friend tonight – well, I have my fingers crossed for you and do u no howe diffekult eet iz two tipe wiff yer fingas crssed.

I really hope that you’re going to be super happy – but likewise if it goes the other way, well, you know where we are and we’ll be here to support you.

Here’s cheers for good news.

Neil