Just taking it day by day, BPD help

[fitgirl]

Hello to all other posters out there,

This is my very first post on beyond blue, and I'm trying this out as an alternative therapy I guess you could say. 

I personally have suffered with depression since I was around 5 years old, (21 years of depression) I don't understand a world any differently and I still struggle to get my loved ones to understand what it is I'm going through. For years I've been told to toughen up, get over it, your being a princess, you've lost it, your crazy and the worst "its all in your head you can choose to be happy if you really want to, do you want to?" and sometimes you ask yourself are you really just a crazy person?

I feel guilty for having this illness, I feel weak and insecure. Sometimes I find a book or exercise (I do not find exercise takes away depression like they tell you it does I am extremely fit)  to be the best escape sometimes other illegal methods are all that can numb the pain. (I'm very aware this does not help in the long run) 

I personally have been diagnosed with Clinical depression, but recently thinking over my struggles in some length and sending a lot of time researching it seems more of a Borderline Personality Disorder.  (waiting to be tested)

I'm wondering if anyone else can provide me with their information/ experiences with  BPD? and can you have both clinical and BPD?

Any insight would be fantastic, honestly I'm trying to keep a positive facade for others but as the years go by its getting harder and harder to keep going forward.  

[Neil_1]

Dear fitgirl (love the name, by the way)

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.   And you know, you are right, that even by coming on here and posting about things, it can be therapeutic – or as you’ve suggested, an alternative therapy.  So I hope that even before you receive any responses back, that just by unloading a little here, has maybe been of a little benefit for you.

All those words, comments, “so-called suggestions” are all made by people with no idea about mental health issues – and they don’t necessarily have to be from ‘old school’;  as in the older generation;   but doesn’t matter who says it, those comments are just crap;   they do nothing to help those of us who are suffering.

Now while exercising and being physically fit doesn’t take depression away;   it DOES go a long way to assisting us.    And even though the old phrase of “Healthy body = healthy mind”, isn’t quite true;  it sure is a hell of a lot better than being unhealthy or not fit, because that can really affect us folk as well.

I also try to keep as fit as I can;   going to the gym 5-6 times each week.   Are you a gym goer?    Play sport or any other physical activity – running, cycling, etc?   I really enjoy hearing of other people’s fitness exploits, so hope you’re ok to share.   And you’re again right in that, seeking out a book or exercise can be very beneficial for us, as opposed to any other sources of ‘self-medication’ types – alcohol and perhaps other ‘stronger things’.

Now, as you know, 21 years is a damn long time to be suffering – and you’re waiting to be tested with regard to BPD.  Just with your clinical depression, does your GP have you on any anti-depressants to assist?  Just another kind of mechanism that we can put into place to help combat the illness we have to battle;  the more of these good things we can put into place, the better.

I’m sorry I haven’t touched on BPD, as I’m not overly knowledgeable about that, so thought I’d leave that to another responder, who may well be able to provide some advice on that.

I do hope you can post back;   it would be great to hear back from you.

Neil

[fitgirl]

Thank you Neil for taking the time to read and reply to my post, that alone today has helped lifted my spirits. Its really refreshing to hear from other people suffering.

I guess you should say I am a gym junkie I train between 5-7 days a week sometimes for over 2 hours, but I find I take things into obsession, this faze started due tovmy depression I was battling some terrible body issues and bulimia. Although I have reduced the urge to purge dramatically the under lying faults are still there. I guess this is why I don't see it in the same light as others.

I personally have not had any luck with anti depressants myself Isuffer extreme highs and lows (like bipolar almost) I'm always searching for that high (a new purchase, meeting a new love interest, doing something dangerous).

A doctor recently prescribed me with an anti-depressant with a very high risk of suicide. (I personally like to research the hell out of anything i take and for me increasing my already high risk is not advisable).

Also to your other comments about the “so-called suggestions” its a shame people are so uneducated with mental health, I hope if I can find happiness I hope to educate others.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Neil_1]

 Hi there FitGirl

Sorry, I’ve been away for a couple of days, and am only just catching up now.   I occasionally chat to different ones at the gym and a while back I was talking there to a girl who works out a lot there and she commented that her parents are dead-set against her going to the gym and working out.  She said that she told them that it’s a hell of a lot better her being there and doing something positive for herself, rather going out to clubs or pubs and drinking and other potentially dangerous stuff.  I think they conceded that point.

Did I ask whether you do weights or do you just work the machines and/or classes??

I’m very concerned for you about this latest anti-depressant that the doctor prescribed you.  Did you decide not to take it after researching it?   I sure hope so;  and to be honest, I’ve never heard that as a side-effect for an anti-depressant, but this concerns me big time.  I don’t think that any medication for mental illness should have any potential as a side effect of having a very high risk of suicide.   Out of this, I wonder if you might be able to contact the people behind the scenes here at Beyond Blue to alert them to this;  and this particular medication?  I hope that something can be done about this.

It also makes me wonder how many other kinds of anti-depressants are out there with this kind of terrible risk associated with it??

And just before I finish on this post to you (and am hoping you’ll be coming back so I can hear from you again) the medication road apparently hasn’t been successful for you so far – but I would highly encourage you to keep trying (despite what I’ve mentioned in the above two paragraphs) as if you are successful in finding one, then that can prove to be a very good weapon to helping you with your illness – another arrow in your quiver, so to speak.

And yes, do hope to hear from you again.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear FitGirl and Neil

Welcome FG. As usual Neil has written some great words to you. Glad you have been able to respond.

I have been prescribed various ADs where one of the side effects is a risk of suicide. At first I was completely stunned. Why have a medication that 'promotes' the very action to be avoided? I have never understood this properly.

However, I understand that some ADs react in a way that initially makes people feel worse.  Perhaps it's a side effect or perhaps a reaction to body chemistry. I gather that during this time the recipient is more likely to act on feelings of self-harm. I totally agree with you Neil. Why would a doctor prescribe such risky medication unless the effect is very short-lived and the patient is closely watched. And I don't mean weekly visits to a psych. Talk about playing with fire.

I was surprised when I was extremely suicidal that the psychiatrist gave me sleeping tablets. Now there's an invitation.

FG, if i may suggest, self-diagnosis can be a huge trap. No matter what illness you read about there is always room to ascribe it to yourself. I lose my temper on occasions. Does that me I have serious anger management issues?  If I get a rash does that mean I have Ebola. I know I talking about extremes but we all have symptoms of something or other at various times. The trick is knowing the degree and extent. I am often in awe of doctors who can diagnose a physical illness from just vague symptoms.

It's the same with mental illness. You can convince yourself of anything if you try hard enough. The only way you are going to get a proper diagnosis is to go to a doctor. A decent GP with mental health experience will have a good idea in the first place and if he/she thinks it possible, can then refer you to a psych.

So if you trust your GP, go and have a chat.  While you are waiting you may care to read How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me by Susan Rose Blauner.  As I remember she has BPD. I actually stopped writing here to find my copy which I have not read for years and got engrossed in it again.

While it is about suicide I am not suggesting you are thinking in that manner. It's because the author has BPD and has a great deal to say on how she managed. It also describes her symptoms so there's a real life reference. It's easy to read and full of insights, some of which I've realised on this dip into the book.

Love to hear from you again.

Regards

Mary

[fitgirl]

Hi Neil,

 Thanks for keeping in touch, like that girl I was always a strong advocate for fitness rather than drugs and alcohol, in fact I still am! but these days I'm not so hard on myself. As for training, I'm strictly weights with my only cardio being a shuttle run (more sprint) or fast high intensity skipping. 

How do you train? I'm always interested in peoples fitness goals and methods. 

The first time I took an anti depressant I went blank I was emotionless and it was like the life had been drained away from me, this was at age 17 I personally made the decision I didn't like them and started spitting them into the toilet so my parents thought I had taken them. 

I went to a doctor recently (not my doctor she is brilliant) and I needed something to help with my anxiety and it was this medication I researched and found it to have a high suicide rate. 
I know I've had the dark thoughts in my lows, but I know that it will pass and when i return back to my normal self I'll once again love being here on planet earth hahaha!
I personally don't need an extra help to feel dark or darker so I'm now a little reluctant on the medication side of things. I might get a kick bag instead, I find recently my lows are coming with a lot of anger. 

Since my reply to you I have once again pulled out of a low and returned back to normal (this happens frequently) although I believe I'm on a mental high right now (no, not drugs) because I'm shifting house. I find when I have things to look forward to my move jumps straight up. when I'm bored or lonely I can easily enter back into depression state, (books are brilliant, and the gym to avoid this)  

Any book suggestions? I'm a fantasy reader usually and waiting for George RR Martin to pull a finger out so I can escape once again into one of his brilliant stories.  

[Neil_1]

Hi there FG

George RR Martin to produce again.   I stand up and applaud you for being able to conquer his stories about “Thrones”.   I read the first book and am now stalled around the 700 page mark of book 2 – some 200 or so pages to go.  I’ve gone and rented the DVD and have zoomed through Season One;   and have just a couple of episodes to go for Season 2.

Doing weights is so beneficial and a great way to get the body active, fit and healthy.   Because even though, as we know, females cannot build the amount of muscle that their male counterparts can, by doing weights it still does all everyone to build ‘some’ muscle.   And the fact that we’ve got muscle happening, then helps our body in so many ways;   fitness, strength, longevity and metabolism as well.  The more muscle a person has makes the body’s metabolism kick into gear more often and more effectively as it has to ‘feed the muscle’.  I could wax on about this much longer, but don’t want to bore you.

Shuttle runs – wow, I LOVE doing them;  but haven’t done one for years and years now;   would love to have a lash at doing it again.

Yes, I do weights (machine and free);  5 days a week and sometimes 6 days, if you call doing forearms for one day a week, a workout!?!?   So during those 5 sessions, I’ve drawn up my own program which takes in two body parts a day and love it.   Again I could write more, but feel I’m getting way off topic here.

That is a key isn’t it – to seek out things that we enjoy doing, so it can help to bring us out of our low times.   Is it also possible to get back to see your ‘own’ doctor soon?  You mentioned seeing another doctor, was this cause yours was away?

Hope to chat again soon

Neil