spending more time depressed than happy

[dan092]

Hi beyond blue forums, this is my post and hope i dont sound too pathetic.

 I have been struggling against depression for over a year now mostly by just burying it down and denying any presence of it. But the last 2 months have completely rocked my mental health. 

Two weeks before christmas i lost my job with a company i loved, which was upsetting but not the end of the world as i could spend more time with family during the holidays.

Then mid january i lost my uncle to cancer. He has left behind two young daughters and a devoted wife and it breaks my heart these girls have to continue on without this strong soul by their side. However i really do feel selfish that i mention that this is bothering me as it is those girls who feel the most pain while i sit here complaining online.

After the funeral, I was then told by my girlfriend of a year  a few days later that she no longer had any feelings for me anymore and had been forcing herself to be with me while i mourned the impending death of a loved one. I was also told on the day that my other uncle had just been diagnosed with throat cancer. 

It has been two weeks since then and I am reaching the end that i feel i can keep a happy face on. In general, I am a very positive person who can always manage to keep a happy face on. But these last few days have really been hard. I am still out of work and sit up most nights struggling to push out the negative thoughts in my head. 

I have been forced to move back in with my mother and currently the only friends I have are those that play online playstation with me. I'm not sure what i hoped  to acheive by posting on here but in all honesty i truely am struggling to find what I have to offer anymore and am sick and tired of saying to myself that surely these bad times will come to an end soon. I feel like I am just feeling sorry for myself and hoping that someone else might pity me, which makes me feel like a worthless human being. 

[Zeal]

Hi Dan,

Welcome to the forum!

You don’t sound pathetic at all. What you have been through is difficult. It’s great you’re a positive person. Sometimes though, it’s important to let yourself ask for help- which you are doing 🙂 Suppressing feelings of depression is really unhelpful long-term. Have you seen a doctor about how you are feeling. Have you ever been diagnosed with depression?

I’m sorry about the loss of your job. Feeling unhappy and anxious after this happens is normal. However, as you were already feeling depressed, this was even more painful. I’m so sorry about your uncle. You're not selfish for feeling the way you do. You are worried for the wife and young girls, which shows you're compassionate.

That was a rough day; having the break-up, and finding out about your uncle’s diagnosis. I hope he is able to have successful treatment. It's been less than a month since your uncle passed, so it’s understandable that you are still grieving. Being currently unable to do much doesn't mean you're not strong. Hopefully you can remember the great things about your uncle, and the good times you’ve shared with him.

The depression can be alleviated, with the help of your doctor or a psychologist. Make an appointment with your GP, and discuss all your symptoms and concerns with them. You may need to be referred to a counsellor or psychologist. Your doctor will assess this. Once the most intense period of your grief is over, and you are getting help for your depression, you will be in a better position to start looking for a new job.

At night when you are struggling with negative thoughts, try imagining the bad thoughts as clouds, floating away. If you acknowledge the bad thoughts as calmly as possible, and accept them as just that, thoughts, it can be easier to free your mind of them, even if just temporarily. Sleep can be difficult, especially if you have depression and an overactive mind. Avoid caffeine after 4pm, have a relaxing shower before bed, and try switching off technology about an hour (or even just half an hour) before sleep. This is tricky- I often struggle with this one!

When you feel more stable, you may want to start going out more, and you will gradually make new friends.

You are certainly not a worthless human being. I hope my post has been somewhat helpful 🙂

Good luck, and best wishes,

SM

[dan092]

Thankyou SM for your kind words. I truly will remember your points.

I have been to a doctor as a regular routine, and I was diagnosed last year in january with depression. Unfortunately the medication and counseling i received was not compatible with me, however I am starting a new type of medication that was really helping before the break-up. I am in the process of organizing a new psychologist to talk to.

I think when I wrote my first post, I really was desperate to be acknowledged by someone who is not family of how I am feeling. So thankyou for being this person. I hope that i can find someone i can open up to face to face (Hopefully this new psychologist).

I will try the technique you suggested for getting to sleep this week and hopefully I can make some true progress to improving my mental health. 

What would anyone suggest to do when times do get low. Today I did break down again, to which I followed by going for a skate which did make me feel alot better afterwards. However i cant help but feel that I am still coping by ignoring that times are tough and escaping from the situation.

Once again thankyou for your time and suggestions.

[White_Rose]

Dear Dan

Welcome to the forum.  I agree with all that SM has said.  It's good that you have been to your GP and you are now getting help. Antidepressants can be a bit hit and miss.  A colleague and I both took the same AD.  She was fine, I had horrendous side effects. There is no way of telling in advance as far as I know what reaction you will get. It's most unfortunate and we just need to get through it. Not easy I know.

Apart from your depression, which has a huge impact on your general well-being, your grief about your family is natural and normal.  I would be more concerned if you merely shrugged it off.  It shows you have a capacity for love and compassion and that makes you one of the good guys.

This forum exists to provide support to people in your situation, especially if you find it difficult to talk to family or friends. So post as often as you want. Once you get an appointment with a new psych be as open as you can about your thoughts and feelings.  You have been through a lot of distress and need to let out the pain.

Wearing a mask, as we all do from time to time, is not always helpful. Pushing down your feelings only serves to fire up the boilers until you explode. So let off steam to someone.  If a psych is not available soon and you do not want to talk to family or friends, go and talk to your doctor.  This is their job.

Regards

Mary

[Fritz_Montgomery]

Hi all - new on site - don't know where to start

Just having a bad day - seems to be the norm.

Have been on medication for over 5 yrs - tried counselling on and off over the years - even had a few visits to a psychiatrist  and just stopped as I felt it was not helping.

Sometimes would be nice just to have an ear or have those around you make an effort to ask "How are you?"

I feel very alone

Sorry to throw this out there

Fritz Montgomery ( a fictitious character my two children and I refer to as a source of comfort)