My first post. Depression

[G_S]

• I wanted to try this. I’m seeing a psychologist atm but that’s only every 3 weeks or so. I feel awful a lot of the time and just really want to share that with others because I have to put on a brave face all the time. Only a couple of people know I struggle with depression sometimes and poor emotional regulation, and I don’t want to overload them with how negative I feel all the time. They are really supportive and I do share with them but it’s not fair on them if I’m always negative. Giving this forum a try…

[mmMekitty]

Oh, hello G_S, so this is your first post? I found your other a few minutes ago.

Anyhow, welcome, again!

I had found feeling down & thinking how down I felt so much of the time was draining on myself. I didn't tell people around me either. It was a long time before I said anything to anyone, & the person I spoke to wasn't someone I should have trusted.

I came here at a time when my PDr (psychiatrist) was going on holiday, so I wouldn't be seeing him for a few weeks. I was dreading the time & felt I needed a little support, like, to keep me afloat.

People I've met here have been very kind & supportive, generous with their thoughts & time taken to talk to me.

I try to do the same now, where I can, when I can. I have found reaching out to others in an effort to help them has helped me.

I have learned a lot here. I find it hard to believe people have felt I have helped them. I'm learning to accept this might actually be true, & to feel good about that idea.

Turns out my PDr is going on holiday again soon, so I won't be speaking to him until Sept 27. It feels like a long time until then. Coming here, I can talk to some people, vent a little, if I need, too.

Otherwise, I try to keep busy, now, going out with a new support worker, to exercise, gydrotherapy, social things, parks, maybe we'll do the beach soom, or shopping. Another worker is returning to work next week. I'll be happy to see her again.

Doing more to care for myself has been helpful, boosting my self-esteem, while not caring for myself was a reason to think putting myself down was reasonable. I feel like I've have turned my whole brain upside down! It's bumpy, not perfect by any means, but a lot better than it was.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi G_S

I think it's about who we talk to that tends to make a difference. In some cases it's so important to express our self to those who typically make a difference to us. They become our guides in some way and with their forms of enlightenment they light the way through dark parts of our path in life. I figure too, if I want to 'recharge' those who guide me in some way (seeing my negativity can sometimes be draining) I'll tell them how genuinely inspiring they are and how much their care means to me. I kind of see it as a trade, for their service to me. I pay with kindness and thanks.

This business of self understanding can be a seriously tough business, that's for sure. I like to see it as every time I come to understand myself a little better, I go up a level. I've found being stuck on a level can definitely become depressing for a whole variety of reasons. Being stuck on a level can mean having to work with some seriously tough inner dialogue, some exhaustion and a terrible lack of energy at times, a kind of soul destroying emptiness, some confusion, challenging emotions and the list goes on. Once I hit on some revelation/s, I can feel the rise to next level understanding. Such hard work at times, raising our self.

I think one of the greatest revelations I faced, if it's of any help, was...I can feel myself stuck in a depressing challenge. Put a different way, it may be the nature of the challenge to be depressing and I can feel that. The problem is I can't always identify what the challenge is really all about. To offer 3 very different examples

1. Mentally, our inner critic is a mongrel at times. The challenge for me was to 1)identify it as 'the inner critic', 2)understand what/who triggers it to life, 3)know how to manage it and 4)work out how to practice channeling the inner sage in me which always overrides the inner critic
2. It's not necessarily obvious what physical factors are leading to depression. For example, I had no idea a depressing lack of B12 could lead to depression until I felt myself at that level and it was identified through blood tests. Whether it involves B12, iron, dopamine, serotonin or something else, a chemical deficiency can be felt
3. From a soulful perspective, we're born to feel. So, technically feeling is not a fault, it's an ability. The challenge becomes about learning skills in that ability and figuring out how it works. For example, while we might have been taught to ignore or suppress anger the whole of our life up 'til now, the skill may come down to tapping into enough of it in order to know what's behind it. There's skill in meeting with anger constructively

It can feel almost impossible to get a sense of why we're feeling the way we are or what we're feeling. It's my deepest wish for you that revelations and light begin to come your way. ❤️

[G_S]

Thank you for your response. That was very thoughtful and personal. Are you someone who works for Beyond Blue or just someone who likes to write thoughtful comments. M

[G_S]

Thank you for your reply. I feel

a little awkward about posting which I need to get over because I think it will be good for me. I feel a tension of wanting to be better and feel better, and not sure really where to start. Whether I just distract myself and increase my mood and then have some self reflection or whether I have some self reflection and hope that lifts my mood. 
I’m not sure. 

[therising]

Hi G_S

I like to come here to the forums for a couple of reasons. The main reason is because I hate the thought of people suffering alone. It's such a horrible feeling that lonely feeling. We can be surrounded by people but it can still feel lonely when no one can relate to how we feel. Another reason for coming here relates to the inspiration, insight, compassion and beautiful sensitive natures of those who can sense so much yet suffer through what they sense at the same time. The world can be filled with insensitive people who have the opposite nature of those who come to the forums here.

The revelations we share when it comes to our sufferance can help in identifying certain feelings we maybe haven't been able to put our finger on, until someone offers a unique perspective. I think about White Knight (Tony), a regular on the forums. I never realised how depressing waiting could become until I found myself waiting for others in my life to change. It was Tony who opened my mind to the idea of how waiting can feel at times, how depressing it can get in its extreme. This led me to stop waiting for others to make a difference. Some people will never change because it suits them not to. How to get on with life while no longer waiting becomes the ultimate challenge in this case.

I suppose this is where people come to sometimes simply vent dis-ease (unease) at an emotional level and/or make better sense of things and/or find their 'stepping stones'. From one step to the next, one after the other, sometimes it's about figuring out what the next step is along our path (what it looks like) and it can also be about figuring out what's stopping us from moving forward, keeping us glued to the spot (while feeling how incredibly tough that spot can be).

[G_S]

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your thoughtful response and kind words. I’ve appreciated the feedback I’ve been given while on the forum. Do you post regularly? Do you find it helps with your mental health? 

[therising]

Hi G_S

I try and come here daily. I find it definitely helps with my mental health. I think because we've all lived different experiences, this offers a lot of different perspectives to open my mind to. So many genuinely kind and thoughtful people here, yourself included. 🙂

[G_S]

I’ve been blown away at the level of kindness. I’m going to stay for a while. I agree, there’s opportunity for different perspectives, and I think most of the time, I just need an adjustment in perspective. 

I’m doing CBT at the moment with a psychologist. I didn’t expect that talking about my problems would bring so much shame. Since I went to the dr and started this mental health plan, I’ve been constantly fighting the inner critic telling me I’m so stupid and weird and I should be better. 

I’m making a commitment to fight that voice and not allow feelings to overwhelm me. It’s a classic David and Goliath scenario. 

Thank you again for replying. I appreciate it. 

[therising]

Hi G_S

I'm so glad you've decided to stay and share both your challenges and your insights. You'd be amazed by the number of people who come here, based on challenges they face, who end up opening the mind of others in the process.

Shame is a brutal thing. For the sake of my mental health, I've managed to redefine it over time. I've come to define it as a horrible social construct, designed to belittle or degrade. I feel it's designed to torture people in some way. I don't know of anyone who has evolved through shame although I do know a number of people who have evolved through having redefined that emotion, to be something altogether different. If an emotion is simply a particular energy in motion that we can feel moving within us or being triggered to life at any given time, I've found the question can be 'What is that energy really about?'. So, if it's not shame, what is it?

I've found a really good book for understanding and managing inner dialogue to be 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. It's just one way of looking at inner dialogue. He's a guy who writes with a great sense of humour and incredible insight. With the idea that we have a number of different facets that make up who we are, he speaks of how such facets can come into being, getting a sense of which one's in play, finding ways to manage them and even use them to our advantage and a whole lot more.

Btw, I figure if 'weird' means being quirky, unusual, occasionally questionable, a little outside the square and all that stuff, I love being weird. I'm happy to wear that title as a badge of honour. If 'normal' means working hard to say and do everything that's acceptable, working hard to live inside the square and working hard to suppress some natural aspects of who I am (not honouring my nature), being normal is just too much hard and sometimes depressing work. 😊