What's the point?

[Oldbrew13]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to share some feelings & thoughts that have me trapped in a dark mood at the moment. Brief background: I'm in my 50s. My husband of 20 years left me out of the blue a few years ago for a girl half his age. I'm with someone else now who is wonderful. But I'm not happy. I feel like I've been cheated of life. The 20 years were not happy ones and now I am struggling to rebuild. I feel like there's no purpose in life. I just go to work, come home, sleep, rinse & repeat. My partner is retired and we don't have money to travel or have a social life. He doesn't understand why I'm not happy without those things and thinks I'm putting too much emphasis on money. But then my ex has everything - he's living it up, travelling, socialising, enjoying life. I walked away with nothing (not by choice) and I feel cheated. I devoted my life to raising children and running a house while working full-time and now I feel like it was all for nothing. Where's my reward for going without and giving so much of myself to everyone else? Why am I being punished when I did nothing wrong? It all seems so pointless and I feel like I'm just existing until it's time to die. 

Anyway thanks for listening to me vent. Hope you're all doing ok today ❤️

[Shaeyun]

Hi Oldbrew13

I'm sorry that you're unhappy. I don't have much experience, so I don't know if my words will help. 

I understand that your life being on rinse and repeat mode can make you feel like you're just existing. I'm sorry that you feel like you're being punished. But I believe in you and I know you can rebuild yourself. You're an awesome person, partner, and parent, and the people on these forums are here for you. I would recommend you  make time for yourself and believe in yourself. Things will change for the better. You won't feel this way forever. Look to that day. Have a great day❤️

[Oldbrew13]

Thanks Shaeyun. Your words mean alot ❤️ I know deep down life could be so much worse. I'm just feeling angry & depressed and wishing I could change it all. Hope you're doing ok.

[Guest_1055]

Hi, I think it is grief you are experiencing. Grief over lost dreams maybe. I know how to help or advise as I think I am going through grief myself at the moment.

[Oldbrew13]

I think you may be right. My ex left me 4 years ago this week. I thought I'd be well over it by now but maybe not 😞 Hmmm...thanks for your insight 👍🏻

[therising]

Hi Oldbrew13

Not sure whether you ever think 'What just happened?', in regard to where the last 20 years or so went. Being a 53yo gal, I tend to think that on the odd occasion. I swear it was just the other week I was waltzing around the lounge room with my baby boy sitting on my hip. Now he's 18 and 6ft tall. And it feels like a matter of months ago that I was finger painting with my 3yo daughter who turns 21 next month. Time is a strange thing, that's for sure.

Another strange (and tormenting thing) is hindsight. I think it feels like a form of torture at times. I can relate in some ways to what you've mentioned. In hindsight, I can see what I needed more of in in my marriage, in order to not feel so depressed at times. In hindsight, you can see how much you bend and flex to make your partner happy, sometimes sacrificing parts of your own nature in order to do that. In hindsight, you can see how much you've put your all into raising kids, how hard you actually did work. Nothing quite like hindsight to wake us up in so many ways, sometimes leading to a sense of feeling ripped off and angry. If hindsight had a voice it would say 'While you are grateful for so much, you still deserved better than to settle for a low bar when it comes to what you accepted from others'. I've found it's about waking up to self love. If I love myself enough, I would say 'I deserve better than to settle'. Whether that's settling for our partner saying 'That's just me', as opposed to them bending and flexing to meet us half way, or it's settling for a lack of adventure, as opposed to our partner saying 'I will find you adventure for us to share, have no fear' or it's something else, I think what hindsight offers is the chance for us to say 'I am unsettled because I can no longer settle for less than what I feel I deserve, for all I've put in'. If it's of any help, I found the warrior in me or, as I like to call it, 'the intolerant cow' in me to be rather intolerant and angry at times. I eventually figured out...it is the most upstanding part of myself that demands I deserve better.  🙂❤️

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Oldbrew13,

A warm and caring welcome to our forums…

I think I can understand about you being cheated out of life….I feel the same, I was married for 38 years to a narcissist…never allowed friends, completely controlled by him in every aspect of my life….He passed away 10 years ago and I’m still struggling with life in general…I have children who live 7 hours drive from me…I am lucky if I see them once a year…but I’m also grateful that they have good lives now…I put then through hell by staying with my husband..( there father)….yet they still love me and care for me….even if it’s just by phone calls or messages…..

Some of my friends I now have….have travelled, have big houses, a happy marriage with caring husbands/partners, plenty of money to do what they want to do….and here I am struggling weekly on my pension, small house in need of repairs badly, no partner…( out of fear)…alone and struggling with PTSD from that marriage along with depression and anxiety…a great legacy left by my late husband….

I do not compare myself or my life with anyone else….I don’t envy them their happiness, travel, homes or money…If I it would be taking precious minutes away from my life…minutes that were wasted on things that I know in my heart won’t ever happen for me….Instead I am grateful that I have a home that keeps me dry a warm bed to sleep in at night, having enough money for food and drinks….and friends, I have friends now…..little things that make my life comfortable with the peace I now have on occasions from being abused….many people have nothing…

If your husband is kind and caring towards you and loves you…you are very lucky…you survived a very unhappy marriage, you now have a wonderful man by your side….Please as hard as it is it….try not to compare your life with anyone else’s life….enjoy your time with your new partner…Time is precious and life is too short to do that…

Thinking of you with kind and caring thoughts Dear sweet Oldbrew13…

Grandy..

[Oldbrew13]

Thankyou so much for this! It's exactly what I needed to hear! I do often berate myself for not having the hindsight to have done/said differently, I think it's quite human. Your words really struck home for me, so thank you for them 😘

[Oldbrew13]

I was married to a narcissist too, which I didn't see until too late, so I absolutely know where you're coming from. He mentally and emotionally destroyed me, and left me with PTSD. I'm lucky my new partner is patient and kind and understands what I'm going through. I feel bad for resenting him when he is unable to give me the material things I crave, particularly when he gives me so much more. But the traumatised woman in me isn't used to being loved or treasured or even deserving it. You've given me perspective Grandy - something I haven't been able to gain on my own today. So thank you. ❤️