My black dog is exhausting

[Emlm]

Hi, so I’m pretty much at my wits end, probably why I’ve ended up back here because I feel like I can’t tell my family. It’s like the “here we go again”.

i feel like I have done everything I can with this bout. I’m on the highest dosage of my meds that even the pharmacist is shocked (I work in pharmacy) I have been looking into clinical trials because that’s the point I’m at. Even had the DNA testing for pharmacology.

my husband, I love him, but he has anger issues. He supported me and both kids when I ended up having a 3 month stint in hospital mental health unit. But I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when he’s home (work away and is home weekends) I have spoken to him about his temper but I don’t think he sees it the same way. He breaks things when he’s mad and I retreat into myself. Sometimes I flee with my dog (black Labrador who I absolutely love as my “black dog dog”. He’s very old fashioned and is dead set against hitting a woman and has old school values. Kids can’t have elbows on the table ect. Durning my recovery from hospital back in 2019 I learnt to let go and address the bigger issues, even his mum backs me with that. My son who is now 16 amd daughter 14 are both arguing constantly. As soon as I finished work it starts.

I just don’t no what to do anymore. I’ve gone from a 64kg kinda confident In myself to just under 100kg since hospital from all the different meds and the latest dosage increase… I don’t no who I am anymore. What I see in the mirror isn’t me. I am at the point where I want to stop taking my meds but I no it’ll end in self harm but I’m getting to the stage where I don’t care.

I have only confined in one friend regarding my husband because everyone love him and so happy that I have him. Is it me and my black dog that are making me feel exhausted from depression or is it life. The life I have created for myself and wearing my mask. I feel like he doesn’t respect me, but is that just the depression. I’m exhausted. This is extremely exhausting and I just want to be me again. I no I need help but I don’t no what from anymore.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Emlm

Welcome back to the forum.

I’m sorry that you feel in need of support again but so pleased that you feel comfortable sharing and reaching out for support here.

You’ve had a really long hard road to travel with your depression and I’m not surprised that you are tired. Hugs to you.

I don’t think it helps that you have been unwell against the backdrop of a global pandemic.

Life and MH is harder for everyone right now, so I think it’s important to cut yourself some slack. Challenges are to be expected in this environment—and it’s ok.

Please take time to celebrate your wins, like “letting go and working on bigger issues.” Like having the courage and resolve to make it through the hard work in hospital. Like transitioning back to home life. You have much to be proud of.

I understand your confusion about your feelings for your husband. It can be really hard sometimes to separate the symptoms of your illness from other feelings.

I guess my thoughts are that you can’t ignore those feelings. Living with the fear of a violent angry outburst from him must be really difficult. In addition, feeling he doesn’t respect you is not a good place to be.

It’s really not okay. And it doesn’t matter that everyone “loves” him. What matters is how he treats you and the behaviour in your home.

If it’s hard to talk with your husband could you write him a letter? Could you ask him to see a marriage counsellor with you? Could you talk about it with a professional who understands your condition, to help you really understand your feelings?

I wish you the best of luck.

Kind thoughts to you

[Emlm]

Hi summer rose. Thank you for your kind words.

I actually started to study a diploma in counseling… he’s word were “don’t try to analyse me”. Even though I explained I was doing it for me, to help my depression from a different angle. I love helping others and people come to me for advice with their MH. I was doing the diploma to learn how to protect myself from getting too involved.

my husband…. I don’t want to upset him. I think I’m actually angry at him and his lack of respect and just put my “everything is fine” mask on. Which I know isn’t helping. I wrote lots of letter, but never give them to him. I don’t want to hurt him.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Emlm

What a fantastic idea to study counseling! Good for you.

The knowledge, combined with your lived experience, would surely make you a great support to someone in need. I hope you are successful with your study 🙂

If I’m understanding correctly, you’re angry with your husband for the way he behaved but also don’t want to hurt him. I get that.

But I worry about where that leaves you—the mask is eventually going to crack. I also don’t know if you raising your concerns would necessarily hurt him.

What needs to change in your husband’s behaviour for you to be happier? Number one might be for him to stop breaking things when he’s angry. What’s next on your list?

Now think about framing the issue about how it makes you feel. So it’s, “I feel really sad when …” or “I really appreciated it when you …” (to reinforce and encourage the positives).

I’ve been married 30 years, and we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs. During one rough patch I suggested we start walking after dinner each night.

I originally suggested it because my husband was quite stressed and I thought the exercise would be good for him. It did help but, perhaps more importantly, it also created a space for us talk—without the distractions of kids, house, etc.

I wonder if you think you could try it with your husband? Maybe Saturday afternoon and go for coffee? It might be easier to gently raise issues when you’re doing something together. And if you’re out of the house he’s more likely to control his temper.

What do you think?

Kind thoughts to you

[Emlm]

Great minds!! I actually did that yesterday (Saturday afternoon) we took my Labrador for a walk. I raised the idea of anger management. He brushed it off. I did open up and tell him that he deals with everything when he’s angry aggressively. If my pup is doing something he doesn’t like or kids, people in general really his tone and words become aggressive. Horrible words that put down the person, the action. I don’t believe in the old school training methods, he does and so it’s his way. It really hurts me. My pup has become so important to me and he’s only 7 mths. My kids are sounding like my husband more everyday.

it’s easier if I just walk by myself with my pup. I love my family but I feel like I’ve lost my independence, confidence.

I started reducing my meds, under drs direction 2 days ago. Not going well and am feeling vulnerable. Waiting on an appointment with my psychiatrist.

thank you for listening to my ramblings. Just don’t see a point talking about it anymore. I should count myself lucky really. We have everything we need and a roof over our heads.