My Anxiety has turned into Depression. I don't know what to do.

[Moonstruck]

My anxiety seems to have turned into depression that I am not so familiar with.

The past few weeks have had added major traumas/stressors -instead of panic, which I had to control to deal with them then and there I have profound sadness which is not like me. Not the "me" others know anyway. I awake each morning with tears not far away and then they come almost straight after getting up.

I desperately want to ring a friend and say "I am so depressed, I am so sad". The first thing they say is "Why?" and then try and cheer me out of it and begin telling me how THEY are! I put on too good a front you see. This is not the "Moonstruck" they have known for years , they just don't SEE me.

On "R U OK" day no-one asked me! Perhaps a good thing, because I would have told them and they'd have laughed and invited me over to the Club to cheer me up!

When someone takes the ultimate "way out", harms themselves, I won't use the "S" word in case my post won't appear or something , someone always says "Why didn't he/she say something? Why didn't they ask us for help? Why didn't they tell me, Why didn't I see the signs?" I feel like yelling "They DID ask for help, they DID give signs, they DID tell you, there were HEAPS of signs they were in serious trouble...and you Laughed, or brushed it off, or didn't take them seriously.".

"You just couldn't believe such a lovely, capable, "together" person who was coping so well with the ups and downs of life, was TRYING to let you know, you just didn't hear them".

Moderators I am not in danger of doing anything desperate today. I would never leave such a legacy to my kids or grand-kids...just wanted to make a point...because I want to ring a friend and can already anticipate that they will simply not hear what I am saying. I have an appt with psych tomorrow and have a similar worry that I appear so socially OK she won't "get it" either! (my job and whole life journey has required me to be skilled socially and verbally eloquent with excellent communication skills..not always evident on here I realise.....but it does sabotage me a bit when I desperately need comforting)

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Moon,

Big hugs from me. I have been without internet. We are out for dinner. My family have gone in and I am posting quickly from my car. I shall be home Sun so will catch up more then.

It has been aparent to me that you have been getting worse and worse. When you mentioned hiding at home for days sleeping and not being bothered to dress or shower etc it triggered warning bells. It is good that you have some reasons to get out and you can put on your mask and act so well as though nothing is wrong but you know things are worsening. Thankyou for being brave enough to say it.

I do think that over a long time drs can get used to us. Sometimes it is good to have a change for a second opinion. If they say the same as the first then perhaps it is best to trust them. However sometimes it can bring a new perspective to a situation as they see you for who you are today and not the you from the long journey. In order to get the best care you should provide your history too though. Sometimes medications aren't given for good reason but I am hopeful seeing a new GP may give a fresh insight.

My two cents worth. I care for you very much my friend. Keep safe and I will catch up Sun. Love you xx

[CMF]

Hey Moon,

how are you? How did your appointment go?

cmf x

[Just Sara]

Hi Moon;

I'm sorry to hear about the morph from anxiety to depression. It's a bugger when this happens. I went thru it a while ago and went to my GP and Psych. Dr Kim has replied to this issue too on her thread.

I don't want to turn this obviously sensitive time for you into something else, but I discovered my hormones were unbalanced - yeah..'that' time of life!

When I was menstruating, (not now) I used to have one day each month where I'd lay in bed with snacks and water by my side, and pull the blankets over my head while I felt like 'doing the deed' most of the day. What a feral time! Glad that's over with. But a couple of months ago, those feelings came back without a tangible reason.

It might be worthwhile having your blood's done to see if an imbalance is apparent. At least this would tick a causative affect off your list of unknown's.

Beautiful responses from other's by the way...wonderful. My heart goes out to you.

I hope this helps...Dizzy xo

[Moonstruck]

No, I'm past all that now Dizzy - don't think I can blame any hormones - my current sadness is related to actual events, or cumulation of them...thanks for caring. Yes everyone's been so thoughtful haven't they?

CMF...the appt went OK I guess, depends on how you evaluate them I suppose. I was feeling teary in the waiting room so knew it wouldn't take much for the floodgates to overflow which they did...I was a sobbing mess actually from the first moment....so bugger the social skills, and "behaving well in public".....I knew if I fell automatically, as I do, into eloquent calmness as I clinically explained what had been happening, I would sabotage myself - I blurted out what I had to straight away, "apologising" for appearing like a Drama Queen or Attention Seeker....I went thru so many tissues, the poor woman couldn't have failed to get the depth of my pain.....she made another appt for next week. I just feel so tired, so very tired...is that normal?

[White_Rose]

Hello Moon

Yes tiredness is normal when you are crying constantly etc. It really is exhausting. Plus of course all the worry which causes tension in your upper back and neck and probably in other places. So you are struggling to make an uncooperative body work. It makes me tired just to think of it. Rest of course is the answer but I doubt if you will do this because it's not in your nature. Also , while it will give time for some physical pain to dissipate the psychological stuff starts piling up and causing more tension, pain, distress. It really is a mongrel.

Congratulations on getting your message across. It seems you have given your doctor a whole new insight about you and probably made her sit up and think. Lost Girl said it about doctors not always noticing your slide downwards. See what happens at your next appointment. Meanwhile, please get some rest. I know, I know, it's not easy but try anyway. Do you have a decent physiotherapist near? This past month has been horrendous for me, hence my familiarity with tension induced pain. I have a good physio who helps to release the cramped muscles etc. It starts off as emotional and manifests itself as pure pain

By the way, and just being curious, did you print your post off to give your doctor? Just curious if you did about her reaction. I wondered if it was helpful to one or both of you.

Please take as much care of yourself as you can. Remember the BB phone line is there 24/7 if you need a friendly ear.

Mary

[MsPurple]

Moon I'm glad you went to the Dr today and I'm sorry it didn't go so well (or you didn't feel like it went so well). I find that after some appointments I feel so tired. I think it is normal to feel this way. Apparently depression can make you feel really tired. I know I feel this way some days when my depression is really bad. It kinda feels like there is no light at the end of a tunnel. But trust me there always is. And there is no such thing as a drama queen in therapy, because this is the one time you can let everything out. I like to think about is as intense venting. haha. It's good your seeing the psych next week because you can have another intense venting session again.

Sorry I'm having trouble concentrating tonight. I feel like I'm not asorbing all the info.

[Moonstruck]

Mary - I did print out the stuff from my thread...I thought it maybe a bit "pretentious" and "precious" of me but she didn't seem to think so...as I was obviously so upset, shaking and could hardly control myself as I got it out...she said "Take your time...is there something you'd like to read to me Moon....is there something you;d like me to read?".....so that had been a good idea to take it with me.

Strange your mentioning a physio.....over past months have been plagued with tendon trouble in shoulder, plus a "bad back".....also been suffering acute pain in hip-joint when walking......nothing serious requiring surgery or anything drastic......he gave me exercises, some taping up, some acupuncture. These boring exercises I am supposed to do 3 times a day have worked miracles!! he is a genius or was some kind of healer in a past life perhaps!!! (young and extremely handsome too by the way).

So I am very lucky to have him so close to where I live. I am trying, trying to be kinder and look after myself more, put myself a priority...which is so hard for me to do, I realise that now. I am so used to making sure the people I love are happy and well - I don't know how to do it for myself....who can teach you how to do that I wonder?

Ms Purple...thank you for caring too - I guess you are just about ready to move to Brisbane..hope it goes well darling.......

[Moonstruck]

I sound like I am drowning in self-pity and that is so unattractive, I realise that. I apologise, I am sorry but where else can I vent? I have never been this low in spirits over the years without being able to have a drink to make it better.......I know I have been dreadfully depressed in the past, but always had my "medication"...my few drinks and I could almost "see" the anxiety and depression fading away bit by bit, like watching a temperature gauge..the alcohol worked!! It made me feel better...now I have to live through this and just cry constantly.

This weekend being a public holiday is torture for me. The past couple of days I've looked at the clock from when I get up "oh good another hour gone...only x number of hours to get through until night falls and I can look forward to my bed/cocoon and "escape" from this deep melancholy that is seeping through my veins.

I spoke to my neighbour yesterday, on my way for a walk. I smiled, I joked. As I was walking, my eyes were filling with tears behind my sunglasses, it didn't matter, no-one could see, I didn't embarrass anyone or make them feel uncomfortable. I sat looking at the ocean, crying.

I returned, later that evening I joked again and laughed and shared my neighbour's harmless pleasant conversation as if my life was going beautifully.....no one knows. This is new to me because it's the first time I've had to cope with it, without alcohol...I don't think I can make it.

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Moon,

I have been in the position where I would literally cry all day everyday. I tried a number of things to "cheer myself up", but none worked. The only way I could get out of that dark hole was with help from my GP, psych and meds.

You mentioned you have another appointment next week. Did she give you any advice on what you can do in the meantime?

The best thing I can think of is distraction. Something you can immerse your mind in that it will not have time to think and feel how it does right now with all the things that are hurting. For me this is movies as well as doing something with my hands (colouring/crocheting), I need both occupied to get my mind thinking something else.

I wish I had better answers dear friend. Perhaps you can try and get into your GP earlier and talk about how you are feeling.

Carol xx

[MsPurple]

Hi Moon. Im real sorry to hear you struggled today (or yesterday) Those days are really hard to get through. I'm glad you got out of the house. I know you were teary the whole time, but just getting out of bed on those days is a huge achievement. It can be really hard to be in so much pain and to try and hide it. I think you shouldn't have to hide it from you husband and family. Maybe showing them this side will help them understand more. We can't help having bad days, they just happen, and sometimes nothing can shop it happening. (for example I have GAD and I go to counceling, take meds and try meditate/eat well, but I still have days when anxiety and depression overwhelm me). But I know I can get through it with the support of my family and my team. You should reward yourself and feel good that you got through the day. Take pride in the small victories.

If you want to vent more and we can't reply fast enough you can chat online by following the links at the bottom of this page.