Me & how r u? (5/1/14)

[Mares73]

Hi all

I've been thinking of many of you so I thought I'd start this thread for those who want to share & support each other today.

I'm also having technical difficulty replying to posts so I'm not sure if its just me or a broader problem.

I am alone this week-kids & husband in Melbourne. My pysch wanted me to make this a special wk I focused on myself & things I enjoyed but I'm struggling with that as usually I stay in house & avoid things. I have got some gift vouchers so I could go shops?

I have been brave & contacted an old friend, a retiree who also suffered depression & he gave up on calling me as I never responded so I called him & we are having lunch tomorrow. So that's two activities or two days taken care of.

Today I might read & hang out. Tues friend coming. We'd shops with vouchers.

Now the dilemma-my mum wants to go a shopping outlet on Thursday which is just a big complex of discontinued items & then stay at her house. But my family return Friday night so I'd like to be here Friday to make house nice.

I sound pathetic, minor issues-the real issues are the. Big anxiety battle I'm experiencing & having no one to talk to about that.

Anyway that's me. Please update me if you can? Worried about some of you. And without any intention of leaving anyone out -Geoff, Jo, Neil, Teddas -I haven't been able to respond due to computer problems. But I'm also thinking of Matty, GA, stress less, Suz. Pete, Chris, Joey, 'what's the point, 'lost' & all those on this forum who I care for & think of each day.

Anxiety & depression can completely invade our lives & like the discussion I read btw Neil, Teddas & Matty-it has completely changed my relationship & although I'm sure my husband loves me-I also know if it wasn't for the kids he would have left years ago. He often says my illness has destroyed any happiness in his life & after his recent battle with leukaemia-I'm heartbroken to be a "burden".

I want him to have a good life as he has a rare form of leukaemia & only 25% of people survive 5 yrs. he has made nearly 3. He has a top specialist who isn't dramatic but is frank & honest & has told us my husbands leukaemia is extremely rare in adults & we have to accept that bone marrow treatments for him would almost definitely not work & it would be a matter of making him comfortable.

He could try one more round of treatment but if/when the leukaemia comes back it will go straight to his brain, spine & bones so no real hope. It's called acute lymphoblastic leukaemia.  

Shortly before that I think I mentioned that my father who abused me committed syicide & that was devastating as he had left me a short note. And he died a lonely, homeless alcoholic living on the street drinking metho.

I had compassion for him in the end-I wasn't afraid anymore-I saw him as a very sick, weak, depressed & desperate man who had nothing but inner turmoil that he couldn't live with.

I've had awful bouts of depression where I can't face getting up & deciding what clothes to wear. Where I won't leave house & stay in Pjs for days not able to talk. It's terrible illness. But sometimes the anxiety feels worse-it puts thoughts in my head that I'm hopeless & can't do things. It keeps me stuck in one place. It makes my adrenalin levels on such high alert that I'm ready to jump through the window at any unexpected noise.

My stomach is in knots & I forget to breathe normally. My body-shoulders & hands are clenched. It has a voice that invades my mind.  It's a terrible thing to live with & one that no one I know understands or will read about-despite me getting them information.

Oh gosh-this was meant for others to write about their day-I'm sorry-I really hope you can & you do. You are each in my thoughts. I wish I could hire the community hall & have morning tea dropping for those who would like to!!

Lve Mary (Mares73) xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo,

Great to hear about more reconnections with old friends. This week I have my husbands birthday and  I am doing sometihng  (plans at this stage are nebulous) with a good friend of mine who unbeknownst to me has been having a terible time at work and uni.
So at some point on some day this week we will meet up and I will be facilitating her raging and venting in general, possibly after some alcohol. On her part of course, not mine. Damn medication does not react well to alcohol. Not that a depressant like alcohol would be a good idea fo me at the moment anyway.

Now I'm rambling. I'll stop.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi all

Gee, I love this site even more now, cause I've just expanded my vocabulary ... thanx to GA ... I now have nebulous on my list.  Ok, ok, I had to google it, but now I'm not so nebulous about what it meant.  🙂  🙂  🙂

My appointment went well ... don't know if any of you know of the K10 mental health quiz ... it's based on 10 being that you're fine, absolutely no worries.  And 50 being the absolute max and worst possible result.

Well, 3 years ago, I scored 32.  So not so good, but not too bad.  I was in a different job then, but then I moved to this new job.   Last year, I scored 43.  Today, I scored 45 !!

I don't like that trend one bit ... so I've got my little slip of paper and my mental health plan and tomorrow I'll be phoning up my psyche to commence some psyche therapy.  And in 6 or 7 weeks time, I'll be fine.  🙂  🙂  Insert maniacal laugh.

Thanx to everyone who responded to me, your words back to me are so encouraging and you know what, they mean a hell of a lot to me.  I really appreciate it so much.

So to GA, I hope your plans become less murky and cloudy with regard to your hubby's birthday and I hope you both a really lovely occasion.  I'm also heaps pleased to hear that you're out of the hospital ... and that you've got a couple of important appointments coming up this week.  I hope they go well for you.

Cheers to all, and to all, cheers,

Neil

ps:  I didn't have to look up 'unbeknownst', I knew that one!  🙂

[Teddas]

Neil, if l learnt anything from this site its you have more than some score in a test, you have us.

We are here and we are real. We care and will listen . 

don't understand the scores but know you are putting yourself out there buy posting here so that's great.

Hate this time of night coz goes quiet on here but am glad to hear from you and hear a smile in your text, even if its just for us.

Am having a little quiet drink thinking of you all.

Talk soon mate. Keep your head up, the world needs good caring people like you. I know l need your input and advice.

Thanks

Stewart

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

A lifetime of reading books instead of interacting with others and 7 years of university study may not have earned me a degree and a piece a paper that says I'm worth something. However, it has gifted me with an extensive vocabulary.

If only words could keep me sane. If only words could make everything ok.

I have heard vaguely of K10 but that's it.

We ended up just going out for bubble tea. My stepson is visiting on Thursday and we'll do more than maybe, definitely do some training so yay for exercise I think. I don't know how the GP is going to go.

I guess one level yay for moving out of that space, if only for now, but I'm scared of what is next. Like I am between support nets. Until I see the psych tomorrow I don't know if the new net will hold.

I'm just...scared, plain and simple.

GA 

[Jo3]

Hi GA

Don't worry about rambling!! That's good.

I hope your husband has a nice birthday.  Glad to read also that you are out of hospital and seeing your GP this week.

Pls take care, thinking of you and sending you big hugs

Jo xx

[Jo3]

Hi Mary

Just thinking of you this morning and wondering what your plans are for today.

Sending you hugs, take care, hope you have a nice day

Jo xx

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

You know you can always post away here to your heart’s content.  Isn’t that an unusual quote … “till your heart is content”.  How does one know when a heart is content??   I know when my stomach is content.  I know when my dog is content.  But how do you know when your heart is content?  Whoops, sorry, just another Neil-Digression.  Which by the way for anyone wondering, are done on purpose to help distract the reader from their worries, if by chance for only a short amount of time.  But you might just go away and think, ‘wow, that Neil really is loopy, ain’t he … coming up with something as stone cold silly as that’.  And if you do think that, then I can wipe my hands together and think, ok, I did some good.  🙂  🙂

It’s awful to live being scared … but you know what, I have strong faith in the net that is holding you at the moment GA will continue to do so.  It’s made of strong stuff … just as you are … we’ve just got to work on you to get you to see it as well.

Ps:  I bow my head to you in acknowledgement of your 7 years of uni study … and remind me not ever to play against you in ‘on-line’ scrabble!  You’d be whoopin’ my *** !!   (I wonder if *** will make it through the moderator’s cutting device?

Cheers

Neil