Me & how r u? (5/1/14)

[Mares73]

Hi all

I've been thinking of many of you so I thought I'd start this thread for those who want to share & support each other today.

I'm also having technical difficulty replying to posts so I'm not sure if its just me or a broader problem.

I am alone this week-kids & husband in Melbourne. My pysch wanted me to make this a special wk I focused on myself & things I enjoyed but I'm struggling with that as usually I stay in house & avoid things. I have got some gift vouchers so I could go shops?

I have been brave & contacted an old friend, a retiree who also suffered depression & he gave up on calling me as I never responded so I called him & we are having lunch tomorrow. So that's two activities or two days taken care of.

Today I might read & hang out. Tues friend coming. We'd shops with vouchers.

Now the dilemma-my mum wants to go a shopping outlet on Thursday which is just a big complex of discontinued items & then stay at her house. But my family return Friday night so I'd like to be here Friday to make house nice.

I sound pathetic, minor issues-the real issues are the. Big anxiety battle I'm experiencing & having no one to talk to about that.

Anyway that's me. Please update me if you can? Worried about some of you. And without any intention of leaving anyone out -Geoff, Jo, Neil, Teddas -I haven't been able to respond due to computer problems. But I'm also thinking of Matty, GA, stress less, Suz. Pete, Chris, Joey, 'what's the point, 'lost' & all those on this forum who I care for & think of each day.

Anxiety & depression can completely invade our lives & like the discussion I read btw Neil, Teddas & Matty-it has completely changed my relationship & although I'm sure my husband loves me-I also know if it wasn't for the kids he would have left years ago. He often says my illness has destroyed any happiness in his life & after his recent battle with leukaemia-I'm heartbroken to be a "burden".

I want him to have a good life as he has a rare form of leukaemia & only 25% of people survive 5 yrs. he has made nearly 3. He has a top specialist who isn't dramatic but is frank & honest & has told us my husbands leukaemia is extremely rare in adults & we have to accept that bone marrow treatments for him would almost definitely not work & it would be a matter of making him comfortable.

He could try one more round of treatment but if/when the leukaemia comes back it will go straight to his brain, spine & bones so no real hope. It's called acute lymphoblastic leukaemia.  

Shortly before that I think I mentioned that my father who abused me committed syicide & that was devastating as he had left me a short note. And he died a lonely, homeless alcoholic living on the street drinking metho.

I had compassion for him in the end-I wasn't afraid anymore-I saw him as a very sick, weak, depressed & desperate man who had nothing but inner turmoil that he couldn't live with.

I've had awful bouts of depression where I can't face getting up & deciding what clothes to wear. Where I won't leave house & stay in Pjs for days not able to talk. It's terrible illness. But sometimes the anxiety feels worse-it puts thoughts in my head that I'm hopeless & can't do things. It keeps me stuck in one place. It makes my adrenalin levels on such high alert that I'm ready to jump through the window at any unexpected noise.

My stomach is in knots & I forget to breathe normally. My body-shoulders & hands are clenched. It has a voice that invades my mind.  It's a terrible thing to live with & one that no one I know understands or will read about-despite me getting them information.

Oh gosh-this was meant for others to write about their day-I'm sorry-I really hope you can & you do. You are each in my thoughts. I wish I could hire the community hall & have morning tea dropping for those who would like to!!

Lve Mary (Mares73) xxx

[Teddas]

Mary, firstly great to hear from you and you doing a cpl of things for just you.

Personally, and l am pretty sure l speak for most on here, l think you are doing great and quite an amazing person. Just stop for one minute and re-read your post. After all you have been through and going through, to spend time to be concerned about others makes you a rare person. An extremely good person, remember that.

Right now l am in a dark place but heartened by your post.Just can't seem to move forward. Am back in bed and wondering how l'll work tomorrow. I look around and know there is good there, my 4 kids are just incredible,, have some great friends, but none of them understand, God l don't so how can they.

Have 2 sisters that are nurses that say move out, forget about the other woman and move on. If only it was that easy.

Ran out of sleeping pills so haven't slept in a cpl of days. Just sick of being like this.

Mary am proud you are getting out a little keep it going. 

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares  

Thank you for writing the above post … and creating this thread.  I’m definitely going to use it.  

It sounds like you’re “kind of” getting through your week alone … although there doesn’t seem to be too many instances of “Mary time” where you go and do something just wonderful for yourself.  Would you have the option to go and get a manicure, or a facial or a lovely new ‘do’ (hair appointment – not saying anything about your hair right now – very difficult to comment on that sort of thing, seeing as we’ve got no idea what we all look like – but you hopefully see where I’m coming from).  (insert stupid giggle here).  

It sounds like an awful type of leukaemia that your husband has … I hope he’s not in too much discomfort or pain at this time.  Is he able to get about and do things ok?  Sounds like he’s not on treatment at the moment?  My Mum is riddled with bone cancer, has been for a number of years now, and I know when she has her injection for the treatment, it really does knock her around.  It’s just so not fair … when beautiful people get affected with this disease.  I guess I could say the same thing about depression and mental illness as well.  

I haven’t had any time off work (except for the regulation public holidays) during the last couple of weeks, and I really enjoyed it last week and the week before, as there was bugga all people here.  Today though, so many have come back and it’s so different … not pleasant … I guess for the most part, the people are ok, but just people being around is really stressful.  I find I’m shaking almost all of the time and my head gets this little shake for about a second, about once every minute.  I find that it does that when I’m really stressed.  

I feel tired and washed out … despite me sleeping I think ok … thanx largely due to the medication (and the 47 beers I have just prior to that - ok ok, just kidding) that I take an hour before I go to bed. (Not sleeping tablets).  My tablets are the ones where I wake up feeling tired … they’re good that way … it’s just today, I feel blah!  Well, I feel that way an awful lot of the time, but I digress.  

I’ve got my doc’s appointment this arve and will be re-doing my mental health plan … I’m feeling so incredibly sad and how I wish the tears would come.  I shake, I feel angry with myself, I’m absolutely wound up so tight and any noise out of the ordinary makes me take fright and jump.  I’m so so sick of feeling this way.  Just for a spot of relief … just for a bit of a release from this tension.  

Don’t you find it very weird, that on this site, you can respond to others who need help and support and you can write things to hopefully assist them and give them advice … but for some reason, you (or at least I) cannot apply that same guidance to myself.  I really don’t understand that … I’m in a deep dark crevasse with no means of escape … and yet, if someone posts, I can provide a response to them, that I hope is ok for them. 

To me, I’m dealing with at least two different people who reside in the one body.   I just so wish I could cry …   Whoa, sorry folks … I’ve done ‘another Neil-like post’ and poured out another massive message. 

I hope some of you made it through at least to the half way point …   I just don’t know …  

Thanx for listening or reading (and I applaud anyone who made it all the way through)  

Cheers, and kind regards  

Neil

[Mares73]

TEDDAS-this is just a short note to let you know I have replied to you and the message is in your "Blue App" Post. Thinking of you, take care. Mary x (Mares73)

[Jo3]

Hey Neil

I've just read your post to Mary.  

I wish you well with your GP visit today.  I just wish I could make you and others on here happier.  I really do.  Wouldn't it be good if we could all get together and have a few drinks and share our journey's face to face.

Anyway, thinking of you and wishing you well.

Your friend

Jo

[Jo3]

Hey Mary

Reading your post made me realise how short life can be.  I really hope your husband is doing okay.  

By reading your message sounds like you have a few things to do already this week.  That is great.  And it's good to see that you are catching up with an old friend.  

Actually just now I received a text from an old friend who would like to catch up for coffee tomorrow afternoon.  I thought this friend had vanished when i told her i was suffering depression but she obviously thought of me if she wants to catch up.

Hope you get to buy something nice with your voucher.

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Hope you can enjoy your week.

Jo xx

[Mares73]

My Dear Neil, as usual I can strongly relate to your post. I think we may have similar types of anxiety. I am constantly on edge, wound up, adrenalin & nerves through the roof-ready for any noise out of the ordinary to make me feel sick and if I could go flying through the window I would. It's completely exhausting living on the edge all the time but no matter how many self-help strategies I've tried-this is one of my biggest issues & it is completely overwhelming. I experience it at least once a day. I'm in knots, my body is rigid & my mind is completely focused on how to escape possible scenarios. There is nowhere to escape from it as it fully consumes my mind. It's terrifying & I think if I could have one wish this year it would be to have lower anxiety levels because anxiety is extremely crippling & debilitating. I can also completely relate to coming onto the forums & being able (I think I do) to provide insightful, supportive, common-sense guidance to other members. Yet when it comes to myself-no way I can apply it or even have the confidence to try. Yet what guidance I'm providing others is realistically the things I should be applying to myself. Blizzard isn't it. Much easier to deal with other people's issues than our own. I really don't want 2014 to remain the dark, isolated, hopeless, directionless place that 2013 was-where I had no direction, no goals or purpose & due to my fears & low self esteem I spent most of the year withdrawn, lonely & isolated. I'd send the kids off to school & then spend the rest of the day in my Pjs, isolated in the house & didn't speak to or see another person until my kids got home after school. It was a terrible way to live & self perpetuating - so that in the end I literally couldn't get dressed & go anywhere, I'd become so afraid & nervous to even try to leave the house. And if we needed things for dinner I'd give my 13yr old daughter money & she would buy things after school. I became so isolated that it became difficult to even have a conversation with my husband as I had nothing to talk about & couldn't relate to his work & he gradually withdrew from me & started going out with other friends. Anyway I don't yet know how to plan it or what to do but I need a different year this year or I feel I will go downhill very badly. Sorry Neil-I was meant to be helping you!! A short response apart from our similarities is that I think you always demonstrate incredible strength in all your posts-no matter what you are going through. You are very courageous, have such honesty & humility & support so many people. And yes-it's Neil's turn to get support to work through what are your biggest issues you'd like support to deal with & how can 2014 be a better year. Ill be beside you on your journey. Love from your friend Mary x (Mares73)

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Mares,

Great idea for making this post. Thankyou for thinking of me.

It's great that you have a week to yourself. Clearly you are in a good place because people trust you to use this week safely. But let's leave the dark out of this. To the light!

This week is yours. YOURS. What did you feel like doing this week? It's great you are reaching out to friends, both old and new and talking to us on here. We can have us an internet party.

Don't ever feel sorry about sharing your story on here. This is what we are here for.

I have described in greater detail on a post of mine which has been eaten by the moderators but I'm cutting them some slack and assuming it will be up in a day or two. You'll see it.

In short though at the moment, I have been discharged from the mental hospital, have an appointment with my psych tomorrow and have to book a GP appointment for later this week. Things are going ok. Still not sleeping without sleeping tablets and still low moods but as low as they have been these past two days. I have a semi plan for the future. Still frustrated by mood swings.

I really wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. I can't imagine the situation you are in. I can echo your feelings, despite not being in he same situation. That all pervasive fear that somrtihng is going to pop up and all that you've worked for - the semi stability, good will and trust will be gone. The worst beign you can't control any of it.

I can offer you hugs though. I have that in spades.

GA

[Teddas]

Neil, sorry mate but had head under doona most of the day feeling sorry for myself and just read your post properly.

Funny, and sad, how we can all relate a bit to each other's circumstances and give generally great honest advice. However live in our own private hell not seeing a way out. I can actually relate to the 47 beers, although my poison is scotch, and really have to watch how often l have a drink. Think the chain smoking is probably bad enough for my health and wallet.

Right this minute mate l don't have any advice or tips or anything like that for you, am kind of stuck myself. 

However keep posting my friend and know we are here to listen and although we have never met, we share your pain and are thinking of you.

Hope to here from you soon how gp went.

Teddas

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

I know the two person in one feeling. Don't you ever wish that you could squish to together and make them get along ofr failing that, kick one of them out? It's hard to identify yourself to yourself when you don't know who you are going to be from one moment to the next.

GA