It's all getting too much again

[Jo3]

I am feeling very stressed, crying and not too good. Depression is so horrible, i hate it so much. I have a shocking headache - all I want to do is hide away forever and ever or to run away as fast as I can and never be found. Going to bed after i finish here, my head hurts.

There is too much on my mind - this saturday is the auction of our home.  I am stressing about finances again, work issues and I feel I am not coping.  I need to tell someone that i am not coping, my head hurts and i just want to go away. I had a terrible emotional day yesterday at the hospital doing a session. Everything seems too hard at the moment.

It's day 10 of not speaking to my mum or dad - see they don't care about me. I may as well go, not thinking  need some sleep

 Jo

[Jo3]

Hi Tony

I think you're right - we need to work out an emotional plan and back up.  I think this weekend hubby and I will go out for the day and have a picnic, maybe the dandenong mountains.  And we'll talk about the next options for us.  We have already decided that we will stay here for another few more years and then downsize to a 3bd home.

Not having a good day today, I am so flat and very unmotivated.  Had a session with my pysch and forgot so many things I wanted to ask him; one was my medication and also if he thought I may have dsythmia.  I feel so hopeless and just want to hide away from everyone, actually running away into the bush sounds really good, maybe that's what I should do.

Tony, how do I get through this? I feel like running away, but am scared.

 jo

[White_Rose]

Hello Jo

I had some computer problems again for the past few days so have been unable to access BB. Also still quite unwell with the bronchitis.

So why am I telling you this? Because I get uptight over the smallest setbacks and metaphorically scream and shout inside about the unfairness of life. Just seen the psychologist who has previously commented that I have the skills to manage my life. My feeling is, not when every damn thing upsets me for days, makes me feel sick, helpless and frustrated. And it hurts. What, the loss of a computer? Yes because I am not in control of my life.

Sounds stupid when I say it like that, but that's what happens to me. For you, not selling your house, which had so much riding on it, is an even larger meltdown trigger. So what are we going to do about it?

White Knight gave a great response. When we know something may go wrong, have a plan B. Well of course that's easy to say, I reply. But the impact of the situation, even if I have planned ahead, still produces a huge inertia. And this is the thing we have to fight. It is such an almost physical pain that takes your breath away. And like you I take my refuge in sleeping to get away. Trouble is, it's still there when I wake up.

So what can we do about it? Making a contingency plan in advance is great. Carrying it out is the problem. I am finding that if I allow myself to think about it for no more than half an hour, let it wash over me and feel the hurt or whatever instead desperately trying to push it away really helps.

After the half hour, get up and do something active, even if it's making a cuppa. Take your cuppa outside with a book or just sit and watch the grass grow. This does help to dissipate your feelings of helplessness/despair/pain/etc. Then you can plan your next move to put plan B into action.

Can't write much more. Feeling shattered after talking with psych, and losing my voice, and being unwell. Chin up sweetheart.

Mary

[Jo3]

Hi Mary

Thank you for your reply.  I really hope you start to feel better soon.

You know in my head I have another plan now reg. the house.  If we don't sell, we'll stay another few more years.  I ended up going for a walk 3.5km this afternoon and now I feel good.  Think this will be my goal for the week - do more walking and breathing the fresh air of the sea.  

I was on such a high the past few weeks leading up to the auction that when it didn't happen I crashed down very low and just now I am trying to get back up and feel a little better. But at times it is so damn hard to get back up. It's tiring this fight with depression.

Take care Mary, hope you feel better soon

 Jo xx

[white knight]

Hi Jo,   and Mary, hope you get well soon. Gee there are some beautiful people on this forum that reach out even when unwell.

Jo, my quest for stability , happiness and a long life started several years ago. Relationships aside my plan after being initially diagnosed wrongly in 2003 was based on my own belief that medication and medical professional guidence alone would not be sufficient to achieve those goals alone. I needed to absolutely minimise all obstacles that were in my way or even potentially in my way. Ok, as Mary eluded, the off thing happens like a computer breakdown and it throws you out of whack. But surprises aside, there are many things I put into place to be the happiest I could be.

A country move was needed. Things like heavy traffic, tolls, concrete, bitumen, inconsiderate selfish people, claustrophobia, parking, parking meters, expenses of city living (rates, house prices?) and questionable neighbours and many more reasons life in the city ran against my grain of a peaceful existence.

My eldest daughter then 13yo hated moving. She was to lose her friends. Well she made new ones (better ones!) and 5 years later she'd be off to uni anyway in the city. You cant hold back for kids that will leave soon anyway IMO.

Work is a big issue. I was lucky there. I ran my own business and travelled northern Vic and southern NSW. But I travelled 100,000 kms a year but it drained me. Eventually I had two episodes with mental breakdown in 2013 which saw the end of my working life. Which is interesting, take away the stress of running your own business and the travel and it worked wonders for my health.

As mentioned once before financial restructure was a must but I know you Jo cant do that now with less than adequate income. Eliminating debt was a HUGE blessing for me. Ridding my life of toxic people was a good move as was recently closing my Facebook account and lowering my contact with people overall. I'm sensitive and this helps.Work was stressful for me but for others it might divert their attention to their woes.

Moving to the country (the country IMO is at least 1 hour from the city) was the best thing that I could have done. This also needs planning though. One should choose a small town with some essentials like medical services, supermarket etc say 4000 people. Also within 45 minutes of a major city like Ballarat or Shepparton for your monthly food shopping.

Prevention stress is a major step towards a calm content life with far less ups and downs..

[Jo3]

Hi Tony

I totally understand what you're saying.  We live an hour away from the city of Melbourne.  We moved down here 18 yrs ago and I will never go back to Melbourne or any suburb.  Where we live is beautiful, the beaches, the cafes, the quietness in winter and the business in summer with the tourists.  We live in a lucky part of the city where people pay big dollars to come down here for a holiday - we have it everyday!!!  The lifestyle changes were fantastic, no big shopping centres no huge crowds (except in summer).

 Reg. finances - well there's not much I can do at the moment until we sell our home.  If not well then I will need to look for a better paid job. 

I am sure that positive steps to prevent stress or less the stress will help greatly. 

Thank you Tony for your reply, I really appreciate your honesty in helping me understand how you got through.

Jo xx

[White_Rose]

So pleased you are feeling better. Yes exercise is a huge help. I understand it releases more serotonin into the body, or something like that. Time to smell the roses and live in the moment.

I gave a hollow chuckle as I wrote that. I feel emotionally shattered and there' s not a damn thing I can do about it. So I tried going to talk to a friend who is having problems. Guess what? It was good for both of us. I kept my difficulties to myself and concentrated on her and we laughed so much about me going to the front door tastefully attired in a bath towel. It's what all the best people are wearing these days.

So I have decided to try and concentrate on others and stop being concerned with myself. I can't help me, but I may cheer up others.

Mary

[Mares73]

My dear friend Jo I hope you see this as you seem to have posts in several categories. I've been thinking of you everyday & wondering how you are? I'm not sure-but from memory I thought you were having a medication review-have you? And how is your relationships with pysch, GP etc? Any news on selling your house-oh hang on I think you decided to put that off? Sorry you've had so much going on I'm getting forgetful about where things are up to. Most importantly how are you feeling Jo? Have you got enough support? How are you feeling about your mum & Dad-any progress? Sorry I've got so many questions I hope I'm not overloading you-i just want to get a good picture of how things are for you. I care very much Jo, your a special friend & I truly hope some things have improved for you. I really look forward to hearing from you. Love & hugs X Mares

[Jo3]

Hi Mares,

I'm glad you have written to me, i was missing you so much.

House stuff - didn't sell at auction, now still on market until after Christmas. 

Pysch & therapist - My relationship with my therapist is going okay, he has put up boudaries eg. not more than 1 email per week, which this week I have done.

Pysch - He has been very good to me and understands how hard this is for me in regards to my parents.  He can see how I struggle with this so much.

Meds - I am seeing my psych this Tuesday and I am going to talk about my meds whether to change, increase or whatever.  I feel that my emotions are going from one extreme to another very quickly.

Parents - I made a promise to myself about a month ago to NOT call them for 3 weeks - i made it.  I didn't call them at all and yes I was angry and hurt and emotional all at once but I didn't call them.  I phoned on auction day to tell them I didn't sell.  She was very cold towards me, so that was a 2 min conversation.  I then decided to not ring again for another week and see what she does - if she would call me or not - well i was right again - she didn't phone.  So after another week I decided to call and she was nice again. Mares, I don't get it, how can she be so terrible, cold one minute and nice the next.  I am struggling with this because I can't understand how any mum could be like this.  Doesn't she care about me, how I am feeling.  Yet when I was in hospital in July she phoned me every single day to see how I was.  This is so weird.  I feel so unloved by my parents.  

I have written a bit more about this under Women - "I feel so alone"

Me - how am I going? I guess okay. Not fantastic, not great but just okay.  I am not interested at all in any form of intimacy with my husband and I don't know what to do.  Some days I just sit and cry wanting someone to put their arms around me and tell me they love me; tell me I'll be alright; that things will work out - but it doesn't happen.

Mares, I wish we could meet - I would love to meet you.  At the moment I feel like I need another break, another getaway but money is so tight. Thats another thing, our finances are so tight we are going to see a fin counsellor.

I'm getting low on my characters - I really hope you are okay, you know I often think about you and wonder how you are and what you're up to.

I hope we can keep in touch here and support each other

Take care for now

your friend

Jo xxx

[white knight]

Hi Jo,

We went camping last weekend with another couple, dear friends of ours.

They have been married for 36 years.  She feels she needs a hug now and then. She never gets it. She told me alone that he is one of 11 children and there is no affection amongst any of them. That doesnt do her any good though.

She is envious of us. Only married 3 years and hand in hand we walk. I dont get it with some, usually men, that cant put their arm around a woman and tell her how wonderful she is. It is beyond my comprehension. And most men that are like that know they have that shortcoming. Because the woman is screaming out for that love and care, the cuddles, the touch, the words. Yet they dont come. Even with them lady telling them, they dont make that effort.

Affectionate men like me dont relate at all to that.

Hope you have a good week coming up Jo regardless.

[Mares73]

Dear Jo it's so great to reaffirm you. I think I, White Knight & others haven't known where you've gone so I'm glad you've still been posting somewhere else. But we miss you here. I'm glad the psych & therapist are being helpful & compassionate.  As for your mum-i don't have the words for how she continues to treat you given you've put so much effort into communicating & building a relationship with her. I may be wrong but she sounds like a cold person & with all you've had to deal with the last thing you needed was the emotional pain of her rejection. I know you may not feel like this but you are coping so well given the current uncertainties suchaas selling your house. That would be stressful for anyone. I'm also glad your going to talk to your psych about meds-sometimes psychs just leave you on a certain regime & forget to review it so then you have to raise it which you shouldn't but that's the way it is. I think of you everyday & please let us know how you go with your pysch? Love & hugs X Mares