Introducing me and my messed up outlook on life! (Rant)

[TheNotSoDarkHorse]

Hi all!

My name is Brandon. First off I would like to thank anyone who's reading
this for taking the time to consider and attempt to understand my
thoughts.

What I wish to achieve from joining this community I do not
know, but either way here is some background info about me in attempt to
the clarify the reasons I joined this community:

- I am 18 and feel 90 on an emotional level. I can't stop hanging on to some form of a
nostalgic depression. It's comfortable but I know it's doing me no
good. I can't stop thinking about dying, the legacy I'll leave behind
and the child of me I left behind.

When I was 6-7, I witnessed
my mum getting beaten and abused on a regular basis by my at the time
step-father. He threatened to kill us one night before we moved out of
the house. I have a feeling these moments caused a bitter resentment to
grow inside of me towards myself, my mother and him. I have always
fantasized about killing him.

- When I was 8-9, CPS came and
took me away from my mum and gave me to my grandparents temporarily
because she couldn't handle her own stresses as well as looking after
me. I lived with them for a year of much struggle, growth and joy.

- The last time I saw my mum was when I was 10, there was a custody
agreement between my father and her that she would see me every second
weekend on sundays. She eventually stopped showing up. My Dad and my
stepmom don't understand how I feel, but I have always felt that since
that day she never showed up that I have been abandoned.

- I was bullied extensively throughout my childhood and teens. yada yada
yada...Regular stuff really...Being called an albino, people constantly
saying I look way younger than I am, calling me weak, physically
harassing me, left out of group stuff and in general I just never felt
like I've been on the same page with others my age especially when
hanging out in a group. I just desperately want to feel connected to
someone or something but I can't.

-The only time I feel like the true me is when I am drunk beyond belief. Unfortunately, getting this drunk often results in me breaking down and being reminded of the past.

- An associate of mine committed suicide last year which I felt shook me to the core. I often wish it was me instead of him. At least people seemed to care about him when he was here and when he was gone.

- I just in general hate who I am and wish to change. I want to love myself and help others love themselves.

Thanks for reading, K.I.T all.

[blondguy]

Hi Brandon and a Warm Welcome to the BB Forums

I am Paul and thankyou for posting too...

I do empathize with what you have gone through ....I also have been through the same where upbringing (or lack thereof) is concerned. I am sorry for your associate that ended their life last year Brandon. Was he a work colleague of yours?

I am similar to you...I dont really love myself but I have learned to be 'gentle' to myself as I dont 'love' my own thoughts a great deal Brandon. I have had depression/anxiety for many years and the best I can do right now is to be 'kind' and 'gentle' to myself. I do hope that makes some sense.

You have been through a great deal and I understand where you are coming from...You are a smart and a well articulated person...Please dont hate who you are....Its difficult to change who you are but you can heal..

I am glad you have the strength to post and for that I thankyou. There are many wonderful people on the forums and I hope you can post back

My Kindest Wishes for you Brandon

Paul

[geoff]

hi Brandon, and we will 'keep in touch' for as long as you want, OK.
When anyone is depressed then there can now be something that they can identify and relate to with, not that it's the most pleasant feeling at all, but as we struggle through our upbringing with the possibility of being abused both physically and verbally and then discarded by our parent or partents we feel at a loss and don't know where we belong, but once we have depression we then can identify what situation we are facing, and we can go through a period of wanting to stay depressed because our life has never been of any joy to us.
It would certainly feel like you have been abandoned, living with your mum and step father and then with your grandparents and then with your dad and step mum, so it's no different 'than passing the buck', or that's what it must feel like.
Being drunk does give us a false feeling of being happy or being miserable to the extreme, but if deep down you aren't feeling well then it's going to make you sad, very sad, until you sober up and then you may feel different, only slightly because it won't suddenly cheer you up.
When you join this site you are able to connect with a group of people and we can' forget about those that just read the posts and don't reply, so you have people you can now connect with.
With all your pain growing up you haven't mentioned about having any professional help, which your doctor can organise and put you on a 'mental health plan', which will entitle you to 10 free sessions with a psych, and can I suggest that this also maybe good for you to do as well as reply back to us. Geoff.

[pipsy]

Hi Brandon. You have suffered more than enough pain, letting go would be a good thing, learning how is better. It's possible because you feel you were tossed about like a beach-ball, that you're also suffering some form of PTSD. Getting drunk is not a good idea, but totally understandable. Once you're drunk, some of the pain would possibly recede, but next day, it seems to return more so. You were made to feel unwanted and unloved by the people who were supposed to love and protect you. Your mum not showing up, not contacting you, would've made you feel abandoned, hardly surprising. Maybe tension between mum, dad, and step-mum prevented mum from showing. This was never explained and should've been. The not loving yourself, could in part be because you don't feel as though you should be. Have you tried asking your G.P, if you have one, about some sort of therapy. I think therapy would be more beneficial because getting in touch with your feelings can be quite painful. A therapist could give you some guidance, on how to love yourself for who you have become, not who you were. I feel you are basically a loving person, but you've been hurt so much, your feelings have been pushed down. Talking to a therapist would give you some guidance on learning to love yourself. Everyone who posts here needs to know we're loved, it's important for our esteem. Also your anger needs to be addressed, so you can let go of it. I would suggest you try and ask your G.P, if you have one, about seeing a therapist. Maybe AD's would also be beneficial to give you some relaxation.

We care, please feel free to post again, as often as you need.

Lynda.

[TheNotSoDarkHorse]

Hi Paul!

Thanks so much for your kind response! The acquaintance of mine was a school peer of whom I had contact with a few years back on a regular basis during science classes. He was one of the nicest people I have ever met as well as one of my best friends best friend. It was definitely a time of trial, that's for sure. I do feel in some ways that his death helped me comprehend the compassion of others on a better level so it is comforting to know his death was not 100 in vain. I have also been trying to be kind and gentle on myself, my perspective tends to fluctuate a lot. There have been days of being on top of the world followed by days of feeling like I couldn't be more distant and disconnected from the world around me. Thank you again for your warm welcome and I will be sure to keep monitoring and contributing to the forums 🙂

[TheNotSoDarkHorse]

Hi Geoff!

Thanks for the insightful welcome! I definitely can connect with the things you are describing. I feel that sometimes my so called nostalgic depression is like a lifeboat I hold onto to keep me in touch with my past and my identity. I often feel that without it I would be nothing. I have been to multiple therapists (3) in the past whom of which have helped me temporarily understand the problems I was going through during those times. One for transitioning between living with my grandparents and dad, one for dealing with the stress of highschool in year 7 and one in Year 10 when I developed some intense anxiety that resulted in a lot of intrusive thoughts and sleep disruptions accompanied by mild hallucinations and paranoia. At this point in time, I feel that the only way that I can improve is by trying to better myself through broadening my experience and perspectives of the world around me. Thanks so much for your response and I will be sure to keep active in this community 🙂

[TheNotSoDarkHorse]

Hi Lynda!

Thanks so much for the advice and response!

Thankfully, I usually only drink whenever I am around friends but usually I end up having to leave for about 30 minutes to an hour to some isolate part of the place where I am in order to reflect on all this painful stuff while I am drunk; in turn resulting in a breakdown. Luckily, I am too broke to be an alcoholic at this stage. That is one pro of being a currently unemployed uni student. I have tried therapy in the past to varying degrees of success. At this point in time, I feel that connecting with others, broadening my experiences and gaining new perspectives is what I need in order to find peace with myself. I am studying to become a psychologist at the moment which is ironic considering my disheartened attitudes towards my rates of success with therapy. Thanks again for your response and I will be sure to keep up to date with these forums! 🙂

[blondguy]

Hi Brandon

Thanks for posting back and great to hear from you. I think you have a lot to offer others here on the forums with your experiences and how you have managed to cope. I was just reading Lynda's post above...she may have a good point about some AD's being a help. They can help make the huge lows not as low and give you a more even platform on to build your recover.

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi Brandon,

Thanks for sharing your story. Though I have had significantly different life experience, I can understand the sense of isolation you're showing, and the anger and the indication that after a while feeling down becomes kind of comfortable. I've always tried to deal with the latter two of those things through media (music, video games, TV shows or books that immerse me in whatever mood I'm in but don't spill out in ways that effect other people), which also kind of ties in with the isolation.

From an outside perspective, I can see you've put the time to yourself to good use. You're clearly educated and articulate, and well versed in self-reflection, all of which are not entirely common traits it's worth being proud of. I don't know what it is you don't like about yourself, but I hope you can see the aforementioned as positive things you can build on. For my part I find intellectual pursuits and working on my own personal development help me feel a lot better about myself when things are not going so well, otherwise.

Like everyone else here, I encourage you to see a counsellor/psychologist. It's not quite a personal connection, but having a consistent confidant could definitely be of help to you (yeah, yeah, I know I should take my own advice). The social contact of joining a forum like this is a good start, too. I'm also new here, so I can't speak for the community, but so far it looks like you're in a good place for some support. I hope we can be of some help to you.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Just saw your post re previous experience with therapy (not sure how I missed that before; my bad). Sounds like it had its uses, though, and probably still could. I used to get chucked at counsellors all the time when I was wee. Didn't help much with the problems themselves, but it was a relief to speak with an educated person for a bit, and that was valuable in itself. Could give you some insight for your chosen career, too.