Intense self hatred

[MisterM]

I don't know what is wrong with me.
I have an intense self hatred and at times it spills over into hating everything around me including people at times.
I have begun avoiding meeting new people or going to events with people I barely know through the live music scene as I think I am not worthy of people's time and love. I have given up on trying to find a girlfriend, I don't find myself appealing and think I am not good looking. I have stopped performing my music at open mic as I feel like I am making a fool of myself. I have stopped looking for a job. I have lost all self belief.

And the mental abuse by my mum has ramped up lately.
She keeps telling me I bring her and my dad shame and have been bringing them down due to being unemployed and wants me to keep it secret from their friends and relatives.
She noticed grey strands coming out of my hair and told me no girl will ever want me.
Add to that the bad bullying at my most recent job this year.
It just reinforces what I think about myself.

I feel like I am becoming bitter, hateful and twisted lately.

[MisterM]

Hi Mary,

I tried listening to music in my car today, it didn't really take my mind in a better place.
I have stopped listening to music this past week.
Yeah I am still home, I got kicked out of home last week but I guess my mum wasn't true to her word.
Usually my family treating me bad are triggers for me, or if I have a bad moment at work.
I don't know if I have ambitions, I feel lost. I just want a career that means something.
Sure I write songs, but need to be realistic, there are so many songwriters around that it is hard to make it big. I want to go back to uni but not sure at what to study.
To be honest I've given up on life the second half of this year.

I can't afford to see the psychologist I used to see often and felt comfortable with.
I have my follow up with my psychologist in Feb to check how I am going one year after being on AD's.
I am not sure they are working, I used to feel better when I first got on them but since June I have gone back to how I was before taking them. I felt more positive the first 6 months, it's like they've worn off.

Thanks for replying.

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[MisterM]

I don't know why this anger is boiling inside me and why it's come to my mind again.

But from time to time the things my long estranged sister said to me when I was growing up still hurts and angers me.

She used to say things like "why don't you go to the gym to add muscle like other guys your age?", "why don't you go to the solarium? you're too white", "why don't you dress nice like those guys over there?" etc.

This still bothers me all these years later. That my sister never considered me to be masculine enough or worthy enough.

Sorry had to vent.

[Paul]

Hi MisterM

Do you feel masculine enough and worthy enough?

And in particular - enough for what?

Paul

[MisterM]

Hi Paul,

I was never a macho guy but not effeminate either, like halfway between.
At high school I was called the f and p words for a gay man even though I am straight.
I am happy with who I am I just hate people thinking something is wrong with how I am.
It makes me feel like a freak and self conscious.
I am just hurt I am not accepted for who I am and I am made to feel like I need to conform to the stereotypical macho male. I hate that my sister sees me as a weak wuss.

[Paul]

Hi mate,

If your sister is long estranged, what do her opinions matter?

It has me wondering where the insecurity comes from.

If I were to describe my dad be wouldn't be macho. He wouldn't be effeminate. He would be a three epitome of a realistic man who is just himself. Gentle nature, masculinity, warmth and all the middle of the road things that make a man unique.

You are who you are and having to be macho or more masculine begs the question "for what purpose?" because it seems the only person who can't accept it is yourself.

Paul

[Neil_1]

Mister M,

All those things your sister said, the best thing you could have responded with as soon as she’d finished was, “Dear sis, why don’t you just shut the &^%$ up!”

I’m me, I’m who I am; it’s my life and if you don’t like it, well I’m sorry for that, but I’m fine as is.

And ok, as you said, it was a long time ago, but try and take on this thought now. You are you – you’re your own individual and there’s no one else like you, which is bloody awesome. We’re all unique individuals – we all do things slightly different to everyone else and yet, we’re all still humans. If someone else doesn’t like something about us, then that’s their issue/their problem.

The big thing you’ve got to be able to do is to look in the mirror and say “I’m happy, I’m fine with who I am”. And if you’re not – then ask yourself why? What is the reason?

If it’s because of somebody else, then screw that – who cares.

But if it’s because of something inside you – then dig that something out and examine it and find out what it is? Then address it.

Hope this made sense.

Neil

[MisterM]

Thank you Paul and Neil.
I don't know why I get angry, I should just let it go.
My sister always liked putting me down. She would come over and tell my mum how I have no friends and my job doesn't pay well. She's always putting me down. I hate her guts.

[Paul]

Just look after yourself MisterM and make sure you are eating well and being kind to yourself.

The rest is in the past and your happiness lies in the future what your choice to let your hatred really go.

P

[EloiseS]

First of all you need support!!

Your mother sounds cruel and if you can then your next step needs to be to remove yourself from that unhealthy environment where you receive criticism instead of love and support. Can you rent a place, move in with a friend or get flat mates? You might get rent assistance from the government.

You say you are unattractive?? There is more to you than your outward appearance, you can show the true you through your music which seems to be where you derive enjoyment.

My daughter does open mics too and I have never ever seen one bad performance from anyone. I think anyone that gets up there has extraordinary courage and you should be proud of yourself! Get yourself back into music but try not to listen to sad despondent tunes as that can make you feel worse. Save up a file of upbeat songs that make you want to sing and dance. This always helps me in my darkest moments.

🙂