Intense self hatred

[MisterM]

I don't know what is wrong with me.
I have an intense self hatred and at times it spills over into hating everything around me including people at times.
I have begun avoiding meeting new people or going to events with people I barely know through the live music scene as I think I am not worthy of people's time and love. I have given up on trying to find a girlfriend, I don't find myself appealing and think I am not good looking. I have stopped performing my music at open mic as I feel like I am making a fool of myself. I have stopped looking for a job. I have lost all self belief.

And the mental abuse by my mum has ramped up lately.
She keeps telling me I bring her and my dad shame and have been bringing them down due to being unemployed and wants me to keep it secret from their friends and relatives.
She noticed grey strands coming out of my hair and told me no girl will ever want me.
Add to that the bad bullying at my most recent job this year.
It just reinforces what I think about myself.

I feel like I am becoming bitter, hateful and twisted lately.

[Jacko777]

G'day Mister M,

I think I would feel pretty bad about myself too if I was constantly told that I am bad by my mum. Have you seen a counsellor about this at all? They would really help to unravel what is going on.

Criticism from our parents goes straight to the heart. Perhaps you could try being the judge of your self for a while...don't be judged by others. You can listen to what others say and then have a think about where the truth lies. Your mum's mental abuse would be a reflection of her, not you? You are not your mum. If your mum feels shame cause you don't have a job, that's her issue I reckon. (You don't have to tell her that!) It makes me cringe that she would say that no girl will ever want you, you don't have to believe her. You can prove her wrong and you can still find compassion for her and whatever is behind her comments.

It's time to get some love back in your heart brother, focus on doing the things you love that make you happy, focus off the negative. And only take to heart comments from other people if you know them to be true.

Jack

[MisterM]

Thank Jack,

I find it hard to block her words out, people just say walk away, don't reply but I cannot do that, I have to stand there and say it's not true. I believe what she says, it hits me where it hurts.
When I made this thread I was having a down mood, I feel embarrassed, when I am in a good mood I don't hate everything, it's like depression takes over my head.

[Paul]

Hey MisterM

It's horrible when we feel depressed because our sensitivity to negative things really gets amplified and it's almost impossible to stop our negative warpy thinking. As you mentioned, when you aren't depressed you look back and feel embarrassed. It's something that happens to most of us when the fog lifts. I can see the up and down struggles you expressed in your other post especially in the last few days with your Mum. 

I'm a bit stuck for advice except that making a plan to get well, try and find some independence. This will likely happen with help from your Dr and possibly a long chat with your mum when you feel better. She might think she is giving you advice and tough love, but not realise it is hurting you so much.

Please give yourself some time at the moment to ride through the depression, the storm will pass soon and you'll be able to make a plan to get well with your Dr's help. They might help you with how to talk to your mum and express how her behaviour is hurting.

Take care mate.

Paul

[Guest_1055]

Hey Mister M

I'm sorry you are living through all this stuff with your mum, it would not be easy, I am guessing. And I think pretty painful, especially if we have a sensitive heart.

One thing I have learnt about bitterness and hatred though is to get rid of it. For me it is like a poison within your very soul. Do whatever it takes to rid yourself of it.

Do you actually write your own songs? I am not sure if you do, but couldn't you just get out how you are feeling in your music, or something?  Just to sort of let it go.... just let it go...

I am not real sure of this yet, but I think once we work out how to get this bitterness, anger, hatred or non beneficial emotion out from within, our physical appearance.... well it looks more attractive. I think harboring these emotions makes our hearts ugly. Well these are just my thoughts, and I am not sure if I have helped in any way. But I do truly care. Many hugs.

Shelley xx

[MisterM]

Hi Paul and Shelley,

Thank you for your posts.

Shelley, yeah I write songs, I hate the early stuff I wrote as a lot was based on my mum. I don't want her ruling my music too. So I have stopped writing about her. It didn't really help me. It was like wallowing in the hurt.

Yeah moving out will be helpful, I am unemployed, I feel like I cannot face the workplace and bullies there. If I could afford to I would leave today. I just want to get away from my mum and my family in general. They are nothing like me and I tolerate them, I don't love them.

[MisterM]

It's back.
Feeling pretty crappy.
I was at a red light and noticed in the car behind me a young couple enjoying their time together in the car, smiling, being romantic and I just thought noone will love you like that, you've never had a girlfriend, you don't know what love is and you never will.

[Jacko777]

Hi MisterM,

I know what it's like mate, you have good days and you have bad days. It happened to me the other day, i was rolling along quite nicely, feeling good about life, then one moment changes all that and I fell into despair. The trick for me is how quickly I can get back on track. 

These thoughts you had, that no one will love you like that, I reckon that is your response to something being triggered in you. If you can find what is being triggered you might find that is not the 'real' you but a belief you have formed about your self, perhaps informed by your Mum. Because it's not true is it? You can be loved, you deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else. 

So once you have the realisation that you do deserve to be loved you can get back on track. You could write some scenarios down on paper, things that trigger a negative reaction, read them over and think about why you react the way you do.

Jack

[White_Rose]

Dear MisterM

I have noticed your posts on other threads. So pleased to have discovered this post. I gather you still live at home and I think someone has suggested you move out. Sounds like a good idea as you will not be subjected to your mom's bullying. However it may be difficult if you have no income.

Yes, good days and bad days. And it takes only the blink of an eye to change. So when you are having a good day, it's the time to find strategies to cope with the bad. What do you do? I find it very hard at the moment to change my thinking and the smallest trigger will reverse all the good stuff. Last night I was watching TV and thinking how much better I was feeling and had been for a few days. This morning I crashed big time. So back to picking myself up again.

For me I need to engage in activities I enjoy and that have a good or enjoyable outcome. So washing the dishes is not the best activity, although clean dishes is a good outcome I suppose. Writing songs is great. No need to write about your mom as you have said. What about the good things you have done in your life, or your ambitions?

Do you have any professional help. I often suggest this although it's not the only thing available. Give it a go if you have not already done so.

Mary

[MisterM]

Hi Jacko,

It's like I am possessed by another being inside of me telling me how pathetic I am, I want to free myself of the pain but cannot do it.
My mum was the trigger for my current episode, before that I was exercising again every morning and feeling good, now I am back to being a slob hating myself.
I just feel I have never had a girlfriend and am 31, I just feel like I am not meant to be happy and that it is too late to save me from my self hate.

Thank you for replying.