In A Panic

[Christa1]

A few hours ago I replied to those who had replied to my post (this is only my 2nd ever post), saying how I felt better today.

Since then, my son has returned back from his dad's house & has been saying things which strongly suggest he may be thinking of taking our son to live with him some time in the near future. We are not divorced (still separated) and there are no legal orders for access for either of us. I feel shattered, just shaken to the core. I never thought I would have to deal with this as our separation was pretty amicable

We have been separated for 3 years & I have a new partner. We are due to move in together (with my son) next month.

My ex-husband, I have recently found out, now has a girlfriend and I think he may want our son to live with them later in the year.

I keep my son out of all the difficulties I have with his dad. I have never bad-mouthed his dad to him or asked him to keep anything from his dad, ever.

Our son would like to live with both of us, he says. I am worried that if I go for custody that my depression will be brought up & also the state of my home, which needs a lot of repair & frequently looks like a bomb's hit it!

I feel panicky, like my world is starting to crumble around me. If I didn't have my son, I don't know what there would be left to live for.

After having done all the hard yards for the past 3 years looking after our son, I feel shattered that his dad might just come along & take him.

I can't even think straight as to what to do. I feel almost numb with shock at this. My son is my world & I just can't lose him.

Can these post be made available to solicitors etc...  I don't want to give anyone any ammunition against me.

[geoff]

dear Christa, could you tell from your son's face how he looked when he said this to you.

I'm not sure what the legal system is, but custody of him wouldn't happen until a divorce goes through, because at the moment you are still married parents for him, well that's what you are known as.

If and when this does happen, the court will decide on the working hours of your ex and his girlfriend, and if both of them work full time, they will determine who will be looking after your son after school, and maybe on week ends if he does work on these days.

Your son would prefer to have you rather than the girlfriend to look after him, so this will be taken into account.

The courts tend to favour the mum in regards to the children, fingers crossed, and I know that all of this is going to cause you some problems, which is understandable, but this is where you have to find that extra pocket of strength. L Geoff. x

[Christa1]

Thank you for your reply, Geoff.

I couldn't really see my son's face at the time as I was driving.

I do feel a lot calmer about it today.

I spoke to my mother who as always, spoke sense & pointed out the facts of the situation. I am not in such a panic now, but I am still uneasy & somewhat fearful about it.

I don't agree with the courts favouring the mother in every situation just because she is the mother. I have seen some dreadful parenting from some mothers. But as my mother pointed out, if the courts look at my parenting compared to my ex's parenting, I should be fine. There are many other issues to consider here, but I can't really post them.

[geoff]

dear Christa, as an old man yuk, I'm only 59, and with your mum's abundance knowledge of experience is certainly a 'gods send'.

I agree with you sometimes mothers don't deserve to have their children, but can you ask your son face to face about how he feels, you will able to reflect on what he thinks.

The only reason I say this is because didn't your mum know whether or not you were telling a white lie, and by looking at your son you will pick up if he is uneasy. L Geoff. x

[Christa1]

Thank you Geoff.

My son is uneasy discussing the issue, as naturally, he feels loyalty to both his parents.

When he told me, however, I believe they were his dad's words coming out of his mouth, not his own. I could tell by the phrases he was using.

Thank you for your suggestions & support and you are right, people's experience is a god send.

[geoff]

dear Christa, your son's reaction could be something that his dad has kept telling him, why he should go and live with him, flaunting all the reasons why.

It's a difficult position he is in at the moment, so can I ask what your mum's suggestion would be to you or even your son. L Geoff. x

[Christa1]

Hi Geoff

My mum's suggestion is to not panic & to seek legal advice re: custody.

Given current & past circumstances regarding my ex, my mum doesn't believe he has a leg to stand on.

[geoff]

dear Christa, great wise words. L Geoff. x