Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Croix]

Dear Captain T~

Having to repeat yourself with each new GP, Team or psych is a most upsetting pain. I may have mentioned before that having a set of notes you can give copies to each new arrival may help.

True one's situation may vary (there are always going to be ups and down until the problems are addressed properly) but the basics may well remain the same.

Yes, they are clinical, that's how they are trained, and find it had to see things from a client/patient's point of view. I kept on plugging away, and eventually things stabilized and I dealt with the same people from then on.

Have you found any reasonable people, nurses or such, where you are? One good psych nurse made a huge difference to me, just by being kind, not by doing anything medical.

It is pretty hard to keep on going, I've felt the same and may have mentioned it to you before. The two things that over time have helped me the most to remember are:

I've been in this exact same situation and felt the same way before and came out the other side

I don't know everything about myself (or the whole world for that matter) and can surprise myself by finding out things I thought I'd forgotten or did not have any more. In my case it was finding humor, I discovered I could still laugh even when thinking of taking my life.

So things may well turn out differently (and better) than I'd calculated.

Dunno if this helps,

I hope you have a peaceful night

Croix.

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Thats great that you received a diagnosis now that the health professionals know what you have they will be able to treat you for this condition.

Its a huge win for you that you have been diagnosed.

I understand that it can seem scary to see a psychiatrist I felt the same way but a psychiatrist is just another name for a doctor.

A doctor that is going to help you Captain T.

You are building on your recovery every single day that you are receiving professional help this help is already moving you into the place you need to be for your recovery.

You have come so far Captain T and you are making huge gains just by doing what you are doing now.

You are STRONG and you are RESILIENT really you are what you are doing now is building you into the person you are becoming.

Keep on going……

Your appointments will go well just remember what feels uncomfortable for you now is giving you amazing growth.

Please let us know how your appointments go if you want to.

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Im just popping in to check in with you.

I know the days ahead seem tough and exhausting I understand it is Captain T.

But keep on going moving up your mountain “ trust your hard work .” It’s unlocking doors you can’t see yet.

Trust the process Captain T.

[Captain T]

Thanks Petal22

My therapist appointment was really rough but I did actually get a lot from it. It made me see my parents in a different light. The mental health team are ringing me daily. Yesterday she said after her discussion with the psychiatrist they wanted to admit me. But I said no. So I they have me booked me in for an emergency psychiatrist appointment next week. 

I think the medication increase is starting to work as last night I couldn’t sleep and was cleaning and ironing between 1-4 this morning. Then I had a couple of hours sleep and have been buzzing all day. It was a really strange feeling. I hope I stay like this. But apparently this buzz needs to be monitored. 

I’m feeling pretty exhausted and drained but I’m going to need to be strong tomorrow with 2 apps back to back. I am scared but I have to hope the hard work now will eventually payoff. 

Thanks for the checkin

Captain T

[Petal22]

That’s ok Captain T 😊 I’m happy to support you.

Captain T your hard work Is already paying off right now in this moment just keep on going and putting in the hard work because the returns will be amazing.

I understand our therapist appointments can be rough….. but I can see that you are already making progress from these appointments from what you have told me in regards to seeing things in a different light.

I think it’s fantastic that the mental health team are ringing you daily to support you.

I understand that you didn’t want to be admitted I understand, but I think it’s great that the mental health team are keeping in good contact with you and that you have an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist.

I think it’s great your medication is helping you and I also think it’s great that your medication is being monitored.

I understand the feeling of mental exhaustion and feeling drained but Captain T all the hard work you  are doing right now is already paying off for you.

You are STRONG and you will get through the next 2 appointments you have coming up.

I understand your scared but being scared is part of the process I believe you are growing from all that you are going through Captain T.

Trust the process 🙏

[Captain T]

Hi Petal22 

It has been a long afternoon. Apparently the high yesterday isn’t a good sign so my meds have been reduced again and another one added. If the highs keep happening and the new meds don’t drop it I have to go to the hospital. 

The MH nurse was reasonably positive. She reiterated what to do if my current drop returns to suicidal thoughts. She believes I should be safe until I can see the psychiatrist next week. 

I am anxious and scared but I am hoping I have gained enough strength and resilience to get through. I just need to stay strong. 

Im hoping the new meds may help me sleep as I’ve hardly had any in the last 2 days and I go back to work in the morning so I need to get some rest. 

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for letting me know how you went today, I appreciate it.

I understand that It would have been a long afternoon but you really are making great progress, and the progress you are making now will open new doors for you.

Ok, I understand the high you were experiencing wasn't a good sign but it's really good that the mental health team are monitoring you regarding your medication.

Captain T the mental health team are working on getting your medication dosage correct for you.

I understand that you may have to go into hospital but if this does happen I believe that they will be able to get your medication dosage correct a little bit more easier because you will be there so they can monitor you.

I'm glad that the MH nurse was positive, I'm also glad that the nurse was able to reiterate what to do if your current drop returns to suicidal thoughts, please remember what the nurse has told you to do.

Your psychiatrist appointment isn't too far away.

I understand the feeling of being anxious and scared but sometimes our struggles turn into our  greatest strengths.

Sometimes our toughest times turn out to be the ONLY THING that would enable us to GROW into the person we must become.

You are RESILIENT and STRONG captain T and I know that you will stay that way.

Every climb to the top begins with looking up and believing it's possible.

Keep going Captain T.

I hope you have a restful sleep.

[therising]

Hi CaptainT

I join everyone in deeply admiring how incredibly strong you are. While many people may speak of the incredible strength it takes to work at managing depression, this also includes strength related to endurance. Enduring depression or what's deeply depressing can be so incredibly exhausting.

I think we can endure a lot for years perhaps, sometimes without realising, until things become so challenging that what we've been enduring simply becomes intolerable. I think it can eventually go in one of 2 ways (a fork in the road): 1) Exploding, sometimes with intolerable rage, or 2) what we've been tolerating can start to get the better of us. It can wear down the optimist in us, the sage in us that may dictate at times 'This too shall pass' (feelings or thoughts), the tolerant aspect of self who's developed a high level of tolerance but only up to a point and so on. I've found what's depressing over time can really wear these aspects of me down. Can take a lot of work to begin channeling them again.

In regard to making sense of why night time or very early hours of the morning feel like a form of torture - I found these are the best times for meditating on what comes to mind. They're incredibly quiet times, with little distraction (perfect conditions for meditation). At the best of times, these periods of time can lead to positively mind altering revelations that seem come come from out of the blue. At the worst of times, we can be left meditating on hearing the worst of lies told to us by others. A child begins life with an open mind. If nothing but cruel lies are put into such a brilliant mind, such lies can become completely believable until the truth finally replaces them. If you want to know how truly open a child's mind is, tell a 2 or 3yo you're a unicorn who turns into a person when your horn is removed and placed in your bottom set of drawers in your bedroom. Watch them go looking for that horn at some point. Kids are beautiful and wonderful people whose minds must be managed so carefully. So much damage can be done.

[Captain T]

Hi therising and Petal22

Thank you for your support. 

Enduring depression is exhausting! I have endured a lot over the years and have struggled with depression on and off for about 25-30 yrs. In the last 2 months I hit that fork and it has all just come crashing down. I have never been this low or so close to actually ending my life. 

I like the way you have described it! 

I am struggling with the strength and resilience at the moment. But thinking of enduring sounds more accurate. 

I am starting to learn as to why my parents are the way they are so it has made me look at them in a different light. I still struggle with the way they treat me an speak to me but at least I now understand them better.

After my high I have completely crashed and am really struggling at the moment. I’m not having very good thoughts. 

Its going to be a really long really hard road

Thank you both

Captain T

[Captain T]

Tonight has been a failure. I’m sick, tired, exhausted and miserable. I’m stupid and ashamed of myself.