I try hard, but maybe it's just a waste of time

[TryingHardToStand]

I've suffered with depression, anxiety & a nervous breakdown, eating disorders, alcoholism, and emotionally abusive relationships and family for a very long time. I've worked so hard to get my life on track, and I can tell how far I've come in recent years, but I still struggle on a day to day basis just trying to feel like I'm normal - and trying to understand what "normal" is. All too often I feel like I've tried for nothing; it's as if I am under some kind of delusion that I'm worth the work, and I keep getting a flash of what the real world is like and acting strong again is just me being in denial about how much of a lost cause I am. At the moment I'm on medication, regularly seeing a psychiatrist & my GP, and I'm on only a few days of work a week. I'll also have been two years sober in a few weeks. I can be quite a cheerful person, and I can also be positive and helpful towards other people. It's just so difficult to feel like I'm worth all the time and effort my doctors have put in, and I never really feel as though I fit in around others - I have no close friends, no matter how hard I try. I look at my life and it's as if the real world is all around me and I'm the fake one by trying to be a part of it. 

I didn't really know where I could talk about this.

Dave

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Dave,

Work is only one part of you.   Can you be kinder to yourself ?    I think it's when you accept yourself and find a balance that works that you can lose all the guilt, pain, justification, loser mentality, evil thoughts and feel more real and alive again.

Even getting out of bed is a major achievement for some people.    There was a line on the show "Grey's Anatomy" this week when one character was disrespecting themselves ad nauseum.    The other character listened for a bit and then said "People die of the hiccups, you know".   So, with a bit of perspective you've got every chance of being fine.

Adios, David.

PS  Thanks for posting at BB - I hope a few more responders chip in for you.

[amamas]

Hey Dave 

Feel for you and man I get you!

It sounds as though you've been working so hard and for so long.

You are so worth it!!

I don't know what sort of music you like.  Music helps me heaps!!

I'm going to share a line with you from Life Uncommon by Jewel

"And lend our voices only to sounds of freedom..No longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from and we shall lead a life uncommon"

I don't know if that tugs at your soul like it does mine, but that song really helps me.

It reminds me that all of us are unique and so special.  We are ALL here for a reason.  What I find is that all of us with mental illness tend to think outside the norm, the box as it were. I feel that there is a gift in this that we can all share with the supposedly normal ones.

I get that you may not be able to yet but would you consider opening up to the possibility that what you have endured and survived through may actually be your greatest strength.  That you have a magnificent gift right there in you just waiting to be uncovered.

You accept that that's there and you'll feel how real and magnificent you truly are.

Good luck Dave

cheers Heaven