I should be feeling happy and excited

[MisterM]

I got accepted into uni, I was excited when I applied, when I got an email to say I got accepted I felt enormous dread.
I am feeling very down at the moment.
I can't understand why.

[hope4joy]

Hi MisterM,

wow, how time flies and suddenly o-week is upon us! I'm excited to be going back - I love the arts workshop at uni and have got some sandstone to start sculpting. I love hands-on processes and can loose myself for hours in it... all consuming in a beautiful way. Its a bitter sweet sort of excitement though - because i struggle with the relationships in my life - like with friends especially - dating hasn't been on the radar for a while now - and so being consumed by uni is a way i can feel alive - and have loads to do. i struggle to be open around people and to share about myself and often have one way friendships that are very unsatisfying... anyways don't know why i'm rambling here, but anyways, it'll be good to have the structure of uni again. i'll keep working on my mental health though, to try to keep slowly improving my connections to people, because they are so important to me.

yeah i hear you MisterM about choices and paths and conflicting values and wants and wishes and being realistic and it is hard to decide. I'm not sure if this might sound crazy, but i believe there is a lot of benefit from finishing things, it gives a real sense of accomplishment and does open up options. at the same time there's nothing wrong with changing one's mind. it just seems that financial independence is really important to you to get your own home, and i guess the reality is that teaching will assure that much more than music. most of the artists and musicians i know still work on the side, many of them tutoring at uni or working in technical roles for galleries etc, so even for them to find enough time for their practice can be a juggling act. but MisterM i don't want to try to sway you in either direction... perhaps both decisions are good, both are correct, they will simply lead to different paths and experiences?

something i found really helpful when deciding to go to uni was doing a pros and cons, but i did it with mental pros and cons and emotional proc and cons, because they both matter to me in decisions. I found that i could not tolerate the emotional con of not going back to do art at uni, that the cost was too high, so to uni i went. i'm so tired of having regrets in life, so this was a big motivator. i've dropped out of many opportunities in my time.

on a positive - congrats on your open mic feedback - that's awesome!!!

trust yourself MisterM, whatever you need right now is right for you. and its normal to feel afraid before uni starts!

[MisterM]

Hi Christina,

Yeah it is all about being realistic. 
I was sitting with my guitar trying to come up with lyrics for the guitar chords and I am lost for ideas.
I don't think I am that good a lyricist. It gets me down. 
You can't just be an artist, have to be artist / something else. Unless you're really good and get recognised.
Thank you for your open mic comment. 

I struggle to open up to people too, I keep to myself. It will be hard seeing most students in the course will be straight out of high school and I am 31. Don't know how I will relate to people much younger than me.

Thank you for your words. I am torn but feel teaching is the best thing to do for me, to go back to uni is beneficial for my mental health, having structure and keeping me busy.
Being an artist is frustrating when you are stuck for ideas and limited with your abilities in guitar playing and singing. Sometimes I feel like quitting music and trying painting but even then I have no idea what I would want to paint. Perhaps I am not as creative as I thought I was.

I hope things get better for you.
Thanks again for the advice. 

[hope4joy]

Hi MisterM,

sounds like you might have had a patch of creative block or self doubt. both normal parts of the creative process I think? It sounds like you're an artist and despite self doubts I think we need to trust that, it is special seeing the world through artist eyes.

yeah its weird being older than almost all students at uni - i found i connected more with my tutors and lecturers than other students, cause many of the teaching staff are closer to my age. at the same time 17-20 year olds can be awesome - i've got one great friend who i see outside of uni and she's only 18 - and have connected to many other people in my degree. it helps being unified by a common interest. in some ways the other students can seem immature or very young, and carry over a bit of a high school mentality towards studying, but in other ways they are so insightful and creative and inspiring. i feel i gain a lot. still wish there were more 30-somethings but try to focus on the positives - and to maintain some friendships out of uni with people my own age. There is a mature age student group at my uni that i joined but didn't end up accessing - perhaps this year, uni semester times are always so busy.

Have you got any activities on this week for o-week?

Kind wishes,

Christina 

[MisterM]

Hi Christina,

Yeah I have creative block mixed with self doubt, plus over the same sort of guitar sound. I am not that gifted a musician, I am no guitar maestro and cannot play other instruments. I'd like to try electronic stuff like Bowie.
I have always been great at drawing, I've always been arty. I don't ever consider myself an artist.

I had a full day today, campus tour, what to do if things go wrong session (touched on mental illness affecting study and info on how to access on campus counselling) library tour, library info session, IT session.
It was optional. I am going to further optional sessions tomorrow on effective study and assignment preparation.
Thursday is a full day, compulsory sessions and some optional sessions.
This uni is so much better and cleaner to my old uni.

I read the unit outlines and feel dread on all the assignments and assessments required. Yikes!

Everyone today looked so young my gosh. I feel like a dad amongst them.
The guys were laughing at dumb things. I am single, I hope I meet someone haha.
One girl moved seats to sit next to me and introduced herself to me a few weeks ago at a info session but the age gap is too much.

[hope4joy]

Hi MisterM,

its great to hear you're being so proactive - and I seem to hear a little sparkle in your voice? It's an exciting thing to be starting Uni!

Unis are amazing in terms of the free supports available, it is a great and safe sort of place. I keep wondering if you're at the same uni as me, even though I'm not even sure what state you're in - but I totally respect your anonymity too if you'd rather not say - I'm uni in Brissie. It's got a lovely campus and I can park for free nearby which is handy.

I went into uni yesterday to find my classrooms for next week. I was planning to start sculpting but the new art building isn't ready yet. So I went and bought a bag of clay and made two sculptures at home, hopefully more to come. I used to do ceramics at TAFE and loved the free expression.

Do you mean you want to try out the electric guitar? You seem awfully hard on your musical abilities.

I built a mini theremin the other day, still trying to figure out how to play it! I wanna make those sci fi alien sounds. I'm doing one subject music and sound production - to improve sound for my vids- and thought a theremin might come in handy for soundscapes 🙂

And good luck on finding a girlfriend at uni! Maybe give it a bit of time. Are you gonna try any of the social groups?

And yeah assessment is daunting to me too! But it's fun as well, and challenging in a good way that brings growth.

Enough rambles from me! 

Kind wishes, Christina

[MisterM]

Hi Christina,

Yeah I have been feeling better lately, since my medication was changed and I done some online CBT.
I am excited yet daunted and a bit anxious, there's a voice doubting me, I am looking at the outcomes, criteria and assessments and thinking 'how will I do that'. 
I've been to uni before but this seems more important to me as I know the career I want. I don't want to fail.
I fear failure.

I am in Melbourne, studying at ACU (have a Brisbane campus too).

I can play electric guitar and acoustic. 
I have not much knowledge of a theremin but looked it up online, sounds cool.
Sounds like you are enjoying things, I wish you all the best.

As for social groups, I am much older than most students so feel out of place so don't know if I will.
As for the girlfriend, seeing that girl again possibly tomorrow at a compulsory orientation day is making me anxious and I am feeling bad as most girls there are much younger, I am having hesitations in pursuing romance but no girl has showed me interest before so I don't want to regret anything.

Kind wishes M

[hope4joy]

Hi MisterM,

its nice to hear your news, and your courage to go forward and see what uni and new friendships can bring... a mighty big 'good on you'... you're doing a great job!

i'm not sure if your uni has one - we have a mature age student club - they have drinks one a month (ahh, i freak out having to go to bars etc) but have decided i'll put my freaking aside for another day and go anyway... its good having friends on campus - uni can get pretty lonely if you don't know anyone. i find that people are really receptive to friendships in the first month or two but it sort of dwindles slowly after that... so in fear of giving you advice MisterM, do pursue those chances of friendship that pop up in the next weeks, because they make uni so much better and the easier connections to make. that said, i did still meet new people all year... there is just a special open sort of energy at the beginning of semester.

and wow, you're in melbourne, i could have sworn you were in brissie too! its also a nice part of the world - i grew up in Hobart so have been to melb many times, often stopping for a bit before continuing on to some other destination. many of my high school friends did uni in melbourne, but i migrated to the warmer climate in qld. the northern territory and perth and NSW are probably my favourite states to live in, but qld is good enough for now. its a very easy chilled out lifestyle, with a good community feel.

Re assessments - yes they are daunting! but you're intelligent, and you have loads of life and other experiences that others don't have, and i'm sure you'll pass no problems. pretty much every lecturer at our uni says the same thing - to start on assignments early - and i guess this is true. its much less stressful when you allow enough time to research and then write rather than trying to do it all in one weekend (or one night as some of my classmates do). Organisation is crucial - i always map out my assessments in one page planner in the first week - and put the percentage weight - so i can work out where to spend my time. We also have library staff that help with essay writing - these are great to see even in the planning stage or if you're stuck on anything, i guess you'd have some sort of equivalent service.

I really like your motto MisterM of no regrets... remember you are doing so well to be going back to uni, it takes a lot of effort and courage... and you're doing it.

Kind wishes! Christina 

[MisterM]

Hi Christina,

Thank you for your kind words.
Yeah all the people are sooooo young, they are my nieces age.
I did feel alone yesterday at a bbq event on the campus square.
A lot of people were already in groups, but there were also people alone like me sitting around, walking around.
I talked to some mature age students older than me in a info class.

I have already started a module, I couldn't access an article on our online portal and called help line and was told it is probably not up due to semester not having begun yet and was told I should enjoy my last weekend before uni haha. I just wanted to make a head start, done quite a few hours already reading and typing answers.
I like starting asap, but have suffered bad procrastination in the past few years, I am hoping to avoid that in uni.
We also have academic skills sessions and help available. 

Books are so expensive, I learned off another student yesterday to try online as that is where she found second hand. If only I thought of that.

I have an investment property, that will most likely distract me from studying when issues arise.
I just hope I have enough savings to meet financial obligations relating to the house otherwise sell I will have to.
It's making me feel like I am doing the wrong thing in going back to uni full time with a mortgage.
I have tenants but still need to contribute to mortgage repayments, bills, repairs.

I talked to that girl again at orientation day yesterday, eh she seemed very young at mind and was keen to duck off to the bookshop. Hard to figure out.
Anyways a fellow musician I fancy has told me she has a gig tonight so I will go and hopefully I can find that one thing that has eluded me all these years, romance. I feel sad without it like I am missing out on a big part of living.

I have always lived in Melb. I have never been to Qld. I hope to one day.

Kind regards,
M

[hope4joy]

Hi MisterM,

thanks for your thoughtful reply. I'm feeling pretty tired from a hectic emotional weekend, so am all outta words for now. I just wanted to pop by to wish you a great first day at uni tomorrow! I've got my lunch and books packed like a child excited for school... to be all ready for tomorrow. 

Catch you soon,

Christina 🙂

[MisterM]

Hi Christina,

Sorry I haven't been online.
Thank you. My week was fine. I hope your weekend wasn't bad and that you're doing ok?
People in each class seemed nice.
I was feeling a bit flat yesterday and this morning, thinking have I made the right choices in my areas of study.
I am doing Literature and Psychology, am thinking should I have done Visual Arts seeing I am a creative type and art interests me. I was feeling scared with some of the assignments thinking gee I don't know.
All the people in my Literature lecture and tutorial look and sound like intellectuals and read books a lot, I feel so stupid amongst them. Like a fraud. Especially because I don't read that often and I am a slow reader.
Negative thoughts have come out of the blue in the last 24 hrs but am feeling better now.
Self doubt my enemy.