I should be feeling happy and excited

MisterM · ‎25-01-2016

I got accepted into uni, I was excited when I applied, when I got an email to say I got accepted I felt enormous dread.
I am feeling very down at the moment.
I can't understand why.

pipsy · ‎31-01-2016

Hi there. Congrats on being accepted. This is something you've wanted for a long time. I think a lot of your fears stem from what you've been going through with sister and BIL problems. Also you are going to be out of your 'comfort zone'. I realise that's a funny way to describe your acrimonious living conditions, but the way you have been living has been the 'norm' for you for a long time now. You've had a very unhappy home life, but it's the only life you've known. All of a sudden you're going to be in a totally alien life style, it's only natural you're questioning have you done the right thing, made the right choice. The answer to both questions is 'yes'. Will you be still living at home or are you going to move. If you're planning on moving, this is another upheaval. How long before you start? The longer it takes, obviously the more nervous you're going to be. I think, what you need to do (if possible) start studying now what you're going to eventually teach. If you can find somewhere peaceful where you can study for a couple of hours a day, this will help overcome some of the jitters. Once you've familiarized yourself with the subjects you've chosen, this will give you the confidence you need to get you started. Don't worry about the 'unknown', take each day as it comes. At least with uni, you're only concentrating on the chosen subjects, unlike school where you had to know something about everything. I'm sure there'll be others who are just as concerned as you, perhaps you could help form a study group where you could 'egg' each other on.

Good luck with everything. If you can, let us know how you're going.

hope4joy · ‎31-01-2016

Hi MisterM,

how nice to learn you're also an artist. It must be a wonderful thing to write a song... what is it like? What is your process? Music is my favourite art form and I wish I were talented in it, but my gift is in the visual arts, which I'm happy to settle for.

English, literature and psychology sound like wonderful subjects to teach - they are all quite based around creative enquiry. Business I don't know much about.

You raise some thoughtful points that I can relate to, in terms of whether to follow a creative path or not. For me going back to study visual art, i do wonder where i will be at the end of my course. It was fears about unemployment etc that meant I didn't do art the first time i went to uni. And now that i'm much more exposed to the art sector I see it really is so very hard to pave a path in contemporary art, especially as an artist. And i too have a strong conviction of not wanting to sell-out, as for me there is little difference between my work and me, they represent part of me at that moment. It actually struck me quite hard last year - in first semester i was elated to have found something that resonated so strongly, and i felt i'd found my 'home' in art, it seemed everything i'd learnt before was coming together. but in second semester the reality of how tough the art world is set in and i got depressed about it, but luckily kept studying and making art anyways. Lately i've decided to try to take the pressure off - and sort of see it that for three years i get to live the life of an artist and after that i'll see. I have lots of experience in gov and believe i could end up back there but in the arts sector. I could also see myself continuing to study, like doing post grad courses. living as a practising artist is my dream. I guess i'm just trying to enjoy the experience and not worry too much about where i end up. But it does mean i have to live in a share house for financial reasons (can't afford my own place). And hey i'm sorry to hear that where you're living is not a happy place for you to live, that's tough not having a good home environment. Its great you're thinking of ways to free yourself from that situation down the track.

It sounds like you've made a practical wise choice about what suits your needs and goals and interests today, do you think? It sounds really considered. Please remember uni holidays (+ teaching holidays) are very long = time to dedicate to your music.

Nice chatting, kind wishes, Christina

MisterM · ‎13-02-2016

Hi pipsy,

Sorry for the late reply, I have not been online.
Thank you.
I start uni start of March.
I will be living at home for now.
I can't afford it. I applied for Austudy and once I get settled into uni will try find employment part time.
My psychiatrist I saw recently said it would be best that I stay home and work things out with my mum otherwise the stress of trying to find a place to live whilst starting uni will make my anxiety worse.
Thank you for your suggestion. I have been reading books a lot lately as I am majoring in literature.

MisterM · ‎13-02-2016

Hi Christina,

Sorry for the late reply, I haven't been online.
Writing songs can be both stressful and joyous. Stressful when you struggle for ideas, lyrics or to finish a song.
I usually come up with guitar parts then a vocal melody I come up with by humming over the guitar parts I am playing, I then do the lyrics.

I am fed up with not having a good career, I don't want to go through life being a struggling poor artist.
I want music to be my hobby, something I do in my spare time.
Music is a tough industry, so many barriers to becoming successful. I can't be bothered with the headache of it all. I know musicians and see the hurdles they encounter. Music isn't what it was pre internet days.

Teachers get weeks off work but that is taken up correcting, planning, report writing, recharging.
I hope I have the time and energy for music.

You mentioned not worrying where you end up and enjoying the moment, that is great, enjoy now, future worry is unnecessary energy wasted.

Good on you for not wanting to sell out, I am the same.
I always got down about myself thinking I will never make it big time in the music world, but then that is doing music for the wrong reasons. I have changed my mindset, I think of it's for me and I shouldn't care if I make it or who likes it.

I was considering doing a visual arts degree, I am a good drawer. But there is no career prospect unless you want to teach. I could have majored in visual art in my teaching degree but I can't be bothered with art homework.

I think I have chosen the right path, I am moving away from the corporate world into a career I prefer that will hopefully give me some time to do music on the side.

Thank you for your post.
Nice chatting.

hope4joy · ‎15-02-2016

Hi MisterM,

its nice to come back here and find your post. The way you write speaks of quiet confidence in your decision and I'm happy for you that you are doing what you need at this point in your life. Maybe you can write down all the reasons you have chosen teaching, including having the financial security to move out of home, and re-read that list when uni gets tough. There are always points in the year where I want to drop out, or where i question what i'm studying, and at these times i remind myself of why i'm there and that its important to keep going. A really lovely old friend said to me that it doesn't matter what path i choose - the important thing is to stick to that path. I have a history of chopping and changing and i can now see real benefits in sticking things through, at the very least that one does have the confidence to achieve things.

Well its almost the start of uni MisterM! For my uni o-week is next week and then uni proper starts the week after on feb 29. My uni offers lots of helpful seminars in the first weeks - about essay writing, the library resources, clubs etc... i'm always amazed by how much good free stuff there is... Do keep your eye out. And at my uni we can get one on one consults to help with essays too, which i used a lot when first starting. It was like learning to write an essay all over again, and i really enjoyed it. Its a hard slog but ever so enjoyable too.

And thanks for sharing about your song writing process, it reminded me of making art - the joy and the struggle at certain junctures.

Please keep us posted about how you go at uni,

Kind Wishes, Christina

pipsy · ‎15-02-2016

Hi M.M. I'm hoping you can work things out with your mum, it would make things easier if you could. Maybe once you start uni, this will help her realise you're trying your best. I think literature is brilliant for you, you do express yourself well. Writing songs must have been some help to you as you sometimes have to think of words that 'fit in' rather than a full sentence. Do you have your schedule yet? Once you get that it will help you plan your day as well. Try to keep your music as a way of recharging when you've had a full-on day. As long as it gives you enjoyment, it's still a fulfillment. We all need a chance to relax after a busy day. I enjoy reading 'who dunnits' . When I was a kid, my cousins and I would sit and play and sing (I can't sing, but it didn't seem to matter). If it gives you pleasure, and you're not hurting anyone, it can't be bad.

Elizabeth CP · ‎18-02-2016

I am going to 2nd the previous two posts. Uni can be stressful for everyone so it is important to make use of all the supports available & don't leave it till the last minute. Asking for help is a sign of maturity rather than failure. Also ensure you make regular time to relax. This gives your mind a rest and allows you to be more effective. I found I did better when I took regular breaks otherwise I became tired & very inefficient and did much worse.

Good luck. Keep your goals in mind particularly when things are tough.

MisterM · ‎18-02-2016

Hi Christina,

Thank you for your suggestion, that's a good idea.
I've been chopping and changing a lot in the past 2 years.
Last night I performed at open mic and got a lot of great feedback on my performance, it makes me question if I should just be a musician but that means struggled financially, with teaching my love of music will take a back seat. It's a tough decision and I wonder if I am throwing away my music talent.
I just hope I don't pull the plug on uni now at the last minute. I don't want to, but I also want to still be an artist on the side.

Yeah orientation week is next week for me too. I am attending non-compulsory sessions on assignment help, what to do if personal problems impact study, how to use the library etc.

Will let you know how I go with uni.

MisterM · ‎18-02-2016

Hi pipsy,

You reckon I express myself well? Thank you. I have been told numerous times before I write well and speak eloquently. I guess I write song lyrics so I could translate that to literature come to think of it. I am glad I chose literature in that case. Yeah it's a challenge to use words to fit the melody.

I have my schedule, 3 days a week!
The only thing I am feeling bad about is having to put music on the back seat as uni is my number one priority now. Especially after a great performance last night at open mic where people praised me I question if I am doing the right thing. It is so hard to get a record deal and make the big time. I don't know I have mixed feelings. I am confused and torn. I think I just need to accept that music won't allow me to earn enough to move out and my dream of being successful is hard to attain especially in the internet age.

MisterM · ‎18-02-2016

Thanks Elizabeth, I will try my best to balance study with me time (hopefully songwriting time).