I should be feeling happy and excited

[MisterM]

I got accepted into uni, I was excited when I applied, when I got an email to say I got accepted I felt enormous dread.
I am feeling very down at the moment.
I can't understand why.

[hope4joy]

Hi MisterM,

thank you, I'm pretty well, just very tired from a big weekend of moving house, plus getting a bit of a cold from the stress and also injuring my leg while loading up my car with stuff. But house move accomplished and I can now walk to uni, which is a real plus. It'll be about a 20 min walk.

Hey I hear you about the doubts flooding in, and how things can seem exciting at first and then its like 'what have i done... is this the right choice?' doubts can creep in. I think that to be a good teacher at a subject the main thing is that you're interested in that area... and enjoy it... and want to help students connect to and enjoy that area too. I hear what you're saying though about others seeming to be literature whizzes or something. I often compare myself to others and feel like a fraud, I think it is part of the depression thinking. I dunno, where are you at now with your subject choices, MisterM?

I just re read your last line "self doubt my enemy" - so true.

To be honest I've been quite flat returning to uni. I've had a lot of stress at home - being bullied by a housemate and lots of arguments etc - and I wonder how much that contributed. But I guess the set up for this year has changed and instead of having second year tutors we have the first year tutors again, and it sort of feels like we haven't progressed. The workshop and building is also running behind schedule so now everything is open or working yet. I just got so much self doubt and have thoughts questioning what I am doing there. I really noticed how much older I am than others and sometimes it hurts not to be able to socialise with everyone outside of uni, because i'm not interested in just going and getting drunk, although I never have been much! I've got a really lovely tutor who wants to help me make the art i'm passionate about, and I'm meeting with my old tutor this week about another matter, so maybe I can raise a few doubts i have and see if he can help reassure me. It makes me feel quite teary. I guess I just need to remember that i've had heaps of stress at home and moving house, and not good physical health and its the first week back so it will take time to get into the swing of things again. I hope I'm not weighing you down MisterM? I much prefer when I'm in an energetic optimistic space but it doesn't always happen that way.

Just thinking, can you speak to someone at uni about your subject choices if you still have doubts? 

Kind wishes, Christina 

[hope4joy]

Hi MisterM,

How are things going for you as we head into week 3 of uni?

Kind wishes, Christina 

[MisterM]

Hi Christina,

I am so sorry I have not been online. Been focusing on uni.
Things are going good so far. Had a week off for Easter and just finished my first week back (week 5). The week flies.
I was very tempted to change to do clinical the other week psychology but will continue with teaching. I was feeling torn and unsure if I was doing the right degree.
Only because I was finding psychology in my arts degree much more interesting but now that we have moved on from poetry in literature I am not minding it. I got a distinction on my first assessment in literature so I am pleased.
I have gotten to know a few students, despite the age gap I feel okay around them, I clown around too so I feel fine.
There's this one girl I fancy and we get along fine and laugh at each other. Shame about the age gap but I would like to see where it can go. She is very nice and not a party type. I've never had a girlfriend and hearing a lot of students talk about their other halves or seeing them holding hands with each other gets me down. It got me down as of last night but I am fine today.

I hope that bullying housemate backs off, just know you can always move out and he/she will be just a memory.
Yeah please do talk to tutors and counselors at uni if you're feeling bad.
Stress at home can weigh you down, it will get better for you.
I hope your leg is okay now?
Great that your tutor wants you to do the art you like. Pursue that.

MM

[hope4joy]

Hi MisterM,

Its so nice to hear from you! I've been wondering how you've been travelling at uni. Its great to hear you're doing so well settling in, making some friends and getting great grades. It's a big transition so you're doing so well. And its nice to hear that you're starting to get more into the teaching content, I find some semesters have more interesting subjects and sometimes its a bit dull, it sort of goes in waves! I hope it goes well with the female you've made friends with, seems like you're just open to seeing what develops.

Thank you - my stitches are out and leg is healing fine. I ended up moving house - not ideal being after first week of uni but got to the point I had to - i appreciate having kind fun and respectful housemates... and a cat! which is a real plus. To be honest though I've had a really rough start to uni. First year was so amazing mostly, but this year I've found it hard to get settled. We're in a new building and have had lots of equipment access issues, but i've also found there's less intellectual stimulation and discussion which i've missed, and with the situation at home being bullied my depression came up, and my anti depressants haven't been effective (my dr wants to change them next week). So its been tough. But it has also been a humbling and new experience. In the last two days I've reached out to friends, booked an appointment with disability services on campus to get a plan so i can easily access extensions, i spoke to a lecturer about having difficulties (teared up twice) and this morning decided to drop one subject and go to 75% of full time load. I've never done anything like that before, I've always managed, and if I couldn't i dropped out completely. So its nice to give myself a break and say hey things are tough right now, its hard doing full time uni plus some work when i'm quite depressed, so lets slacken the demands. Yeah it feels good, and best thing is that I haven't dropped out! I have lots of fear about contemporary art and my future but i know its my passion and i want this degree. What i do after doesn't matter, i want to finish this one so i have no regrets. And feel proud of myself for sticking it out despite it being tough 🙂

So yeah i ended up dropping the sound subject cause it is the easiest to replace later cause its an elective. But i learnt a stack in the interim about recordings, mic positioning and the nature of sound etc.

So yeah what else is happening for you MM?

Kind wishes!

[MisterM]

Hi Christina,

Sorry for the late reply.
I was doing fine until a few weeks ago.
I hope you are doing well?

[hope4joy]

Hi MisterM,

Sorry to hear that... whats happened at uni?

I'm okay, I've just got one major essay to write and then I'm basically done... so just trying to focus on that when really I'd like the semester to be well and truly finished! Just picked up the flu which is a nuisance but hopefully a restful weekend will make the difference.

I'm happy to hear from you,

Christina 🙂

[MisterM]

Hi Christina,

I have 2 essays to finish and I am stuck for words.
To answer your question, check out my thread in relationships section. I creeped a girl out.

[hope4joy]

Hi Mister M, I've popped into your other thread and left a response there. As to writing, just keep it simple and keep going! don't stop now... there's just two weeks to go. and maybe do anything that helps you de-stress for little breaks (like swimming, yoga, eating fish, dance crazily.... any healthy strategies)

[MisterM]

Hi Christina,

Yeah I need to finish these essays, stuck for words.
I had a good night out with friends last night. Feeling better.

[hope4joy]

Hi Mister M,

How did your end of semester go? Are you on holidays now?

Kind wishes, Christina