I’m new here

[Annie147]

Hello everyone, I don’t know what I’m doing so I hope I’m on the right page . I suffer from depression due to a work place injury. I have a great dr , a pain management specialist, a surgeon and a psychologist.

I feel like I am losing control over every aspect of my life and I definitely aren’t the same person I was 5 years ago and due to very high doses of medication I’m fairly sedated most of the time . I have lost interest in everything. 
I’m hoping someone can give me some tips 

thanks for taking the time to even read this 

[therising]

Hi Annie

'Completely lost' is a truly torturous feeling, an absolutely horrible feeling I've found to be deeply depressing at times. There's a sense of desperation to it that's hard to describe to anyone who hasn't felt it for themself. My heart goes out to you as you face one of the hardest times in your life if not the hardest time.

There are times where I imagine someone magically showing up at my front door proclaiming 'I'm here to tell you exactly what you need to be doing right now, what your next step is on this path. I'm here to tell you the reason as to why you're feeling the way you are'. Unfortunately, it simply remains a desperate wish while it can take me days, weeks or months to work all that out for myself. If there's one key thing I have managed to work out over the years it's that the feeling of 'completely lost' is a telling feeling. It always tells me I need guidance.

Not sure but do you think this might be a time that's challenging you to bring the researcher in you to life? Some areas of research might include

• What new research in being done in relation to the kind of pain and injury I'm suffering from?
• How can I calm my immune system in ways that begin to lower inflammation levels?
• What kind of things can I achieve in this sedated super relaxed state? Can I manage some forms of guided meditation in such a state, when maybe I couldn't do it before when I was less relaxed?
• If I can't get off the couch, can I practice certain new breathing techniques (one's that actually work)? Some techniques relax energy and some create more of it
• Can I begin researching a whole variety of sensory related things, becoming better tuned into certain tastes, smells, visual detail, getting a better feel for certain music (sound) or perhaps looking into the touch aspect with occasional massage?

Personally, the researcher in me can become a bit of a time consuming maniac. Could spend the whole day wondering and researching if it wasn't for the fact I've got other things I'm meant to be doing. I admit, there are occasional days where my husband and kids end up getting their own meals as the house remains a mess. I'm a passionate researcher who gets a high out of what I learn.

[geoff]

Hello Annie, I'm so sorry you have had an accident at work and know from experience the medication given to you can make you feel much different, as it did with me.

Can I ask if you can take time off from work with the doctor's and surgeon's approval because what ever happened has surpressed any motivation in being able to carry out your work, let alone that it may also be painful.

You need to rest up, but more importantly, if you could visit a lawyer and tell them what has happened, so that it is registered and if for some reason it affects any future work then you can make a claim.

I only say this because my BIL was a solicitor and told me to do exactly this with him, because a few years after, my injury did a lot of harm to me and was then compensated.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Annie147]

Thanks so much for responding and your very kind words. For a long time I was in a very dark tunnel so please let me explain I NEVER once thought life wasn’t worth it I was just in a tunnel but couldn’t see the light , I’m now out of the tunnel but I’m a merry go round from drs to specialists to surgeons to then having to deal with workcover who see me as a case number not a name, I’ve always been in absolute control of everything I’ve done in life to this is just hard to understand and it’s the unknowns i can’t cope with. Music is my therapy, but somedays nothing helps my mood . I’m finding I’m isolating myself more and more from every one . My partner who I love to bits is no help whatsoever he’s a very black and white kinda person why worry about tomorrow’ or next week worry about today but it’s not that easy unfortunately for my brain 

[Annie147]

Hi Geoff ,

Thanks for taking time to respond. So I did this injury 2018 my work sent me straight to see a GP . First he prescribed pain medication and anti inflammatory medication had a week off work. Workcover approved physio , went back to work on light duties, pain was still bad had an X-ray and MRI and it’s showed I had 2 very bad rotator cuff tears had surgery 2019 rehab went back to work 3 months later still on light duties and pain again , so long story short I’ve now had 3 failed rotator cuff surgeries. I last worked September 2020when I had my last surgery and a yr later my workplace terminated my employment which they legally can do . I’m going into hospital in 5 weeks time to have ketamine infusion therapy for a week then a week later I’m seeing the surgeon to book in for a reverse shoulder replacement. 
workcover is covering all expenses and I’m still  being paid and I have a very good solicitor , it’s just the steps and the waiting, meanwhile my mental health is declining dramatically , I hate all the unknowns I’ve always been in control. Given all the nerve damage I have this voice in the back of my head says is this going to be my life forever . I have no quality of life I’m just living . And as a result my pain medication is being increased which i have a very love hate relationship with 

[therising]

Hi Annie

It's perfectly understandable, where you're coming from. While I help my mum manage degenerative spinal issues and the pain and mental challenges that come with that, one of the things she struggles the most with is life being all about specialists and waiting. I recall saying to her some time back 'We need to redefine who you are. You're so much more than a waiter (of things)'. Taking her on adventures she could manage, I proved to her she's an adventurer. Taking her out to some great restaurants, I proved to her she's a fine diner. Taking her out to the movies proved she's a movie goer. The list goes on. While it challenges her to see a reflection of herself in a wheelchair when we pass by shop windows, I insist 'Sit back and relax in the chair that has wheels'.

My husband is such an 'It'll be right person', a 'Don't doing anything unless you really have to' type of person, which can be so incredibly frustrating. Dealing with the tougher challenges has pretty much always been my job. It's tough when occasionally it becomes a matter of 'I need you, my partner, to help me through these challenges. I need you to help raise me to moments of solution, joy, excitement, adventure, thinking outside the square, finding new ways to manage, seeing from new and unique perspectives' etc and our partner chooses to respond with 'Don't worry so much. It'll all work out. You're overthinking everything' etc. Sometimes it's not about 'overthinking everything', it's really about being left alone to think up all the possible solutions while trying to see the way forward. Sometimes it's so hard to see in the dark. A guiding light is one of the greatest lights we can find in life.

[Annie147]

Hi theorising 

[Annie147]

Hi the rising 

what you say makes sense to me 100%

I definitely am an overthinker and that’s half my problem and the fact I’m actually a very private person i don’t want to worry people, my family see my daily battles and try to help but sometimes especially with my partner things get complicated because he think’s very different to me and I sometimes take it as because he can’t fix my problem he doesn’t care, which I know he does .

It’s really nice to hear other people’s stories because some days I think I’m the only one crying in silence, so I really appreciate your kind words and tips I greatly appreciated it xx

I had one friend who is a friend every one needs whenever he rung and wanted to come over I’d say no but he turned up anyway he said nothing he just hugged me which was priceless but unfortunately a year ago today he passed away he had a stroke so I mustered the courage to leave my safety bubble of home to go visit his grave I’m glad I did 

[Annie147]

Hi everyone,

just an update on a post I made recently I’ve just come home from a week in hospital for pain management, wow what an experience.

First thing I’m pain free ish for the first time in 5 years which is overwhelming in itself.

Only problem is I have switched off mentally I feel nothing , I’m not angry or sad or confusing I feel like I’m in a bubble and now don’t want anyone around me. I’ve withdrawn totally . I don’t know if this is good or bad I feel like if I let people in I’m making myself vulnerable…

Seeing the surgeon again on Monday and seeing my psychologist again on Tuesday boy do I have some experiences to share .

while I was in hospital I was receiving ketamine is such a powerful mind altering drug but a positive is pain free ish and my medication has been reduced drastically.

just felt like I needed to share my experiences and thoughts 

and thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this and to respond it’s greatly appreciated 💕

[therising]

Hi Annie

I am so incredibly happy for you that you now have the freedom to focus on things other than pain. It must feel like such a different life, having the volume dramatically turned down on the incredible pain you've been feeling for so long.

The reclusive mindset is an interesting one. Personally, I tend to enter into this mindset during periods of deep contemplation. I'll detach from just about everyone for hours, days or sometimes weeks to some degree as I contemplate my thoughts and feelings. By the way, no feeling (aka emotional numbness) is technically a feeling. It's the feeling of an absence. 'An absence of what?' remains the question. Could it perhaps be the absence of 'Knowing how to live without pain'. Do you remember how to do it?

For me, it's the same drill every time, that's gone on for years...I'll be quite happy until certain deeply challenging triggers lead me down into what feels like a deep dark well (depression). I will be sad down there while often feeling so lost, confused and lonely. Then I'll enter my reclusive stage, where certain revelations begin to make my challenges, thoughts and feeling so much clearer and then I'll rise out of that well or depression thanks to those revelations. Each time, through each cycle, I've come to know myself better.

With you wondering whether this bubble experience is good or bad, I suppose it all depends on exactly what lies behind it. is there a simple reason or a deeper meaning behind it? With the experience I mentioned, in my bubble periods I often feel most vulnerable, cautious as to whether I should share my raw emotions/feelings while wondering how harshly I'll be judged over them. Finding an open minded person to help make greater sense of what we're facing is an absolute must. Can take us out of that state so much faster.