I'm bipolar, depressed, lonely and isolated from my bipolar friend

[manicmonkey]

Hi all,

I had no clue where to post this. It covers a few bases.

I'm a 50ish male; diagnosed as manic depressive 23 years ago. Been on the usual treatment rollercoaster, but managing, generally successfully, unmedicated for a number of years now.

My major episodes are pretty much always triggered by personal losses though, and just in the last few years I've lost my sole surviving parent and three friends (two to cancer and one to suicide). My best and closest friend succumbed to cancer after a long, tough battle last year, leaving me with only my partner and one close friend, who is also bipolar, and who I've known almost a decade.

I've been in a relationship for a dozen years, but my partner and I have been 'growing apart' for some time. She's retired and living out of town, while I live and work in the suburbs during the week, and drive out to her on weekends. We're really just friends that share a roof two days a week now, and, though she's a warm and caring person, she avoids anything difficult. Like ... bipolar disorder. She jokingly describes both me and my friend as 'Flakey'.

My surviving friend has had a very, very tough year. As a result she began socially isolating several months ago, and has been completely ignoring me for a month or two at a time, but, on the (very) rare occasions that she does respond, she still tells me she's pleased to hear from me.

She keeps saying "It's not just you", when I ask her not to shut me out, but I know she's still managing to function day to day, and she's found a new boyfriend during the same period she's been 'isolating'.

She told me not too long ago that she was "Done with relationships", and I'm very worried that this one isn't going to last very long, and she's going to suffer another big setback.

I care for her a great deal, but I'm also feeling very hurt that she's pushed me away while she's obviously able to socialize with relative strangers and begin new relationships. I really want to be 'there' for her, but I also wish she was 'here' for me.

I feel so much better when she's around, and she keeps telling me "you're always a laugh". Apart from the fact she's just an adorable human being, it's so good to talk to someone I don't have to explain the BP to.

I am not a 'people person'; I don't make friends easily, but when I do bond with someone I tend to go "all in", so this is all extremely difficult and painful for me.

With everything stacking up I'm feeling extremely lost and alone.

[quirkywords]

Manicmonkey

welcome to the forum.

You are certainly dealing with a few issues. I was diagonised with manic depression over 40 years ago.

I am sorry for the loss of your parent and your three friends.

I feel for you with your surviving friend and the worry you are losing the one person who understands you.

“I am not a 'people person'; I don't make friends easily, but when I do bond with someone I tend to go "all in", so this is all extremely difficult and painful for me.”

I can relate to your words above. It is hard finding someone who just gets you and you don’t have to explain anything to them . I don’t really have such a friend so it is good you have someone, and I know you are feeling lost. I hope your friend works through her problems and reaches out to you.

You mention that your major episodes are triggered by losses , I wonder are you talking to anyone and practising self care .

I think you had so many losses and your friend pushing you away is taking its toll.

I wonder what you feel you need to be able to cope now from what has helped in the past.

I am glad you reached out,

feel free to post as much as you like.

[manicmonkey]

Thanks for responding Quirkywords, I can't tell you how hard it was for me to post here.

I'm eating right and I'm exercising pretty much every day. That's always been the key to self managing for me. As long as I'm fit and healthy I'm generally okay.

I fall down when I'm spending long spells at hospitals when someone is in their last weeks and days. I get home late, eat on the run and don't take time out to look after myself. Then I unravel and start to come apart on the inside.

On the outside I keep the mask on and no one's any the wiser. I still function at work and just keep on keeping on, but it's really, really hard to keep up the façade.

As for talking to anyone: no, I'm not.

I went to see a new psychiatrist earlier this year, and started on medication again, but that didn't work out well.

In the past, I always had one friend who was there for me when things went bad, but I lost him last year. When he died my other friend was a great comfort just by being 'around'. She's been having her own troubles though.

She and I were in pretty much constant contact through the early part of this year, while she was dealing with the fallout from her breakup. We talked or texted almost every day; just silly stuff to cheer one another up mostly. Then it just stopped.

I've been texting her positive messages every week or two to try and help perk her up, and remind her she's important, and that I miss her, but I'll get nothing back for a month or two, then she'll text "Free for lunch?" out of the blue. A few weeks ago I asked her to respond because I was worried about her and she came back with "Come for dinner?". That's when I met the new boyfriend.

It's always great to see her, but this situation is just killing me. It's like going through the loss and grieving process every month, and I worry if I try to talk to her about it she'll just shut me out completely.

[manicmonkey]

As an aside, to any one else living with bipolar disorder who may be reading this; even though I've self managed for many years, it isn't something I'd recommend to just anybody.

It's extremely hard work.

I went down this road with the help of an extremely patient and persistent medical professional (sadly long since retired) and a very, very supportive friend.

In my case the benefits generally outweigh the cost, but I'm an obsessive problem solver and I'm driven to put the work in. And, as you can see, sometimes, it still gets too hard.

I worked in Big Pharmaceuticals for some years, and I know that for 80+% of manic depressives/bipolar sufferers, the medication works. Not alone; not in isolation; but it certainly helps the vast majority to do the other things that need to be done.

[quirkywords]

Manicmonkey

I am so pleased your friend still replies to your positive texts even if it is after a month or two. She still wants to keep in touch which is a good sign.

I think everyone tries to find the right treatment which may be a mixture of medication and other treatments or non medical approach.

I hope you get the support you need to get through this hard time for you. Thanks for replying .

[Jstar49]

Hi Monkey,

It's so good you did post here. I'm pretty new to this, but it's helped me just to be able to talk to other people who get it, and some who have similar situations.

It really sad that you've lost those really important people recently. It's understandable that you're a bit wobbly. Especially your friend who suicided. I'm so sorry.

I really feel for you with your BP friend.

I have a dear friend who I reconnected with, after years with not much contact. Then there was a period of time there that we were always talking, and she said how much it helped her to have me in her life. Then I guess she felt a bit let down when I couldn't go to her daughters bday, but we got thru it. And then after a visit at NY, it was like she dropped off the planet! It was weird, and I didn't know what was happening, she wouldn't pick up her ph but sometimes texted. I eventually found out she'd quit drinking and smoking, and Friday nite conversations were a big trigger for her so she couldn't handle it. I still miss the close contact we had, but we're gona catch up at NY again. I'm practicing my mocktails so I'm hoping we do it. I know when I'm with her I don't feel weird anymore, I just feel like me.

Long way of saying, it's probably not about you. 🙂

New relationships can do strange things also.

I hope you find some new BFF's to connect with. I know it's scary, but it's really worth it to open up and take a (calculated) chance. Easier if there's something in common of course....

BTW not sure how I feel about your GF..... flakey??? That doesn't sound very understanding or supportive.

Good on you for taking a chance on this forum.

Cheers,

J*

[manicmonkey]

Hey, thanks J*

I don't think I can be too hard on GF. I can only imagine how hard it must be for her to deal with BP from the outside looking in. Can't expect anyone else to really 'get' what's going on with us when even we can't work it out most of the time. It must be very frustrating.

BP is very tough on relationships. That's why it's so hard to let go of the people that really do 'get' you, and get behind the mask I guess.

I really hope you catch up with your friend on New Years and reconnect. It makes a huge, huge difference having someone close to you that understands what you're going through.

Giving up drinking is a big step for her too, so please support her with that. It's a tough thing to do in Oz, because booze is so infused into our culture.

I really hope it all goes well for you both.

[Jstar49]

Hi,

Yeah I absolutely support her in it. It was really hard watching the road she was on, she's so smart and funny and caring. A night of a couple of drinks for me wiped her out for the next day, because she just drank so fast and so much. I've cut down a LOT on my own drinking, realising just how much we're kinda brainwashed into thinking- "this is a good thing, this is what I want to do with my time". And how it really affects me.

It's such a comfort to think of her and know that someone gets me! You know. Now the challenge is to live with that self acceptance all the time, not just when I'm with her.

I used to want a tribe- well I still do- but I think I'm realising that the hardest thing, but the most worthwhile, for me, is accepting myself in the crowd. And being me, the best me that I can be, as much as I can. My partner is really different from me, and it's hard, so hard sometimes, cos I just want him to get it. But us together brings something different in the world, because we are different. We've got to keep working on it tho cos I often think we're on the edge, that there's not enough glue holding us together...

Anyway, thats just me.

Happy days,

J*

[manicmonkey]

This year just keeps getting better.

Damaged a nerve branch in my back last weekend and now I'm not able to exercise for a month or two. I've lost the one thing that's kept me going through all the other crap.

... and of course, I still don't have my friend to talk to.

[mocha delight]

Hi manicmonkey I may not have bp nor have I been officially diagnosed with anything yet but my psychologist has mentioned to me that I have depression (went through the test thing with her that came back with clinical depression 2/3 appointments ago), social anxiety and general anxiety. I also have 2 autoimmune diseases (coeliac disease and GORD which is the autoimmune disease side of acid reflux), a learning disability and just on the autistic spectrum. So I may not know completely what your going through with bp but in some small way with mental health but if you ever need to chat just know I’m here for you and that I’m a great listener.