Frustrated with the cycle - AGAIN

[kran]

So I'm new here. I'm feeling super frustrated with this life of working my way through episodes - depression, anxiety, life's good - repeat. I know there are so many of us out here from all walks of life fighting the same battles. Mine is the truly lucky type of life (the one I remind myself I deserve as I've learned to do over the years) Wonderful family, friends, home, lifestyle and a great psychiatrist I've been seeing for nearly 20 who has literally been a life saver...I just wish this illness would go away forever. It's been a tough few weeks on and off. Really great days and REALLY rough days. I've been cycling a bit after coming out of hard lockdown. Being social again has been great but at the same time so very very challenging. It's exhausting. I hate feeling so low. I hate not having energy. I hate knowing what I need to do to help myself but just not wanting to do it right now. I hate not enjoying anything. I hate the negative thoughts that just won't go away. I hate that it impacts my husband. I REALLY hate that it impacts my kids. I just hate...

I'll get through it. I always do. I just wish getting through it didn't mean "going" through it over and over and I wish it hadn't ruined my confidence in my ability to do life. I wish

I never want to talk to people when I feel like this, just hide away, so this a bit of a win I'm hiding and talking without talking...

Thank you for being a place to just be

[Sophie_M]

Hi kran, 

It sounds like you have been going through a really tough time with tour depression and anxiety - we are really sorry to hear that. It is great that you have come to the forums to talk about it and connect with other people who have a similiar experience. Well done on taking such a brave step, it's not always easy to do.

We thought it might be useufl for you to chat with our team either on the phone or through th eonline chat service - the links are below if you want them. You write very powerfully and we encourage you to stay connected to the forums so you can learn and share with others. 

*Online Chat
https://online.beyondblue.org.au/Webmodules/chat/InitialInformation.aspx
*Phone Service
1300 22 4636

Sophie M

[kran]

Thanks Sophie

[Guest_206]

Hi kran, thanks for your post, I can relate to it well. What you said about depression affecting your ability to do life, feeling so low and not having energy. And the fact that you've had it for so many years, I can relate too. I'm a newbie to the forums too but am finding that I need to connect with other people that are going through something similar to me so that I don't feel so alone, because during the day I have a mask on that says that everything is fine and it's exhausting.

I hope you find your way out soon.

[kran]

Thank you - Guest_206 for getting me out of my own head just now! I'm sorry you feel alone so much and can totally relate. It still surprises me that I can feel like that even when I'm not physically alone. Those masks do us no favours at all. Maybe that's part of why I finally decided to connect on here.... I hope today has been a good one for you.

[Guest_206]

Hi Kran, good to hear from you again. I'm glad I could get you out of your head for a bit! Yes those masks, I'm certainly getting exhausted wearing it at work and yes I guess I also wanted a chance to take it off by coming here. I'm so scared though with posting, I guess it could be the Social anxiety, so I'm pretty proud of myself for doing it!

[kran]

Hi again Guest_206

You should be proud, sometimes it's so hard to take even baby steps.. I haven't been able to even look at this for a few days. I get what you say about social anxiety, just cancelled plans for a group of long time friends coming over this weekend. Fear of judgement and the idea of small talk is something I struggle with, or the idea of saying something totally inappropriate (which I tend to do when I'm running off adrenaline just to get through)

Please don't be scared to post. If you hadn't posted I wouldn't have had an opportunity to meet you (virtually) 😌

[Guest_206]

Aww thanks kran.
Yes small talk - I hate it! I am the worst at it! It takes a certain energy to engage in it so I completely understand your need to cancel. Like you said, we just need to be doing baby steps, anything more and it's too much.

Do any of your friends know you go through these periods of depression?

My mum wants me to see her this weekend. I feel obligated to see her but she drains me. I feel like I don't really do anything that I actually enjoy, and I don't know how to change that. All I really do is work and dread weekends. Great huh!

[Guest_4643]

Hello kran, welcome.

I'm sorry you're struggling, but I'm glad you have a good Psychiatrist, family, friends, a house, and so forth.

Just wanted to say you're not alone. I'm sorry my reply is a bit brief, I do care though.