Heya, I'm Beltane. I used to be a Community Champion here on the forums, and I loved talking to people about their struggles with depression and anxiety. I liked to help any way I can. I stopped being a Champion after life got a bit rough.
When I was last here, I was at the tail-end of a failing relationship, struggling to find the will to break it off. I was also only newly employed after a period of unemployment. Suffice to say, I was stressed.
A year later, the relationship is well and truly over, and I'm happy that I ended it, and that we have both moved on (i do not keep in contact). But other than that, I'm feeling quite lost. I feel very much like "is this all life has to offer".
My job.... it pays the bills, and it's not the worst job I ever had. But it's so boring, and it's not what I thought it'd be when I left my previous job for it. I've only been in the job a year, and I haven't even finished my studies! So I need to stay in the job until I finish studying, otherwise i can;t finish my studies.... Although it'll only be a few more months at most; it feels like forever. And i don't know what I want to do afterwards.
I have no real friends- just a couple of casual friends i catch up with every few months.. Certainly no-one I feel I can confide in.
I do have on close friend, he's a guy, and he has romantic feelings for me. Honestly, I have no idea what I feel. It seems like my mind is haywire, and i feel like I don't know who I am, what I want, or how I truly feel. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm crying hysterically. Sometimes I think I really like this guy, other times... well frankly, I become downright abusive towards him. And i have NEVER been an abusive person. But I find myself becoming red-hot with anger towards him, and I have no idea why. He's caring and sweet and lovely, but for some reason, all those traits annoy me. I feel compelled to hold him at distance, push him away, not let him too close. I think it's because he's not perfect, and I can't seem to cope with that. I always find something about him to nit-pick, even if it's something about him I liked the previous day.
I don't have hobbies, I live too far away from things, and I'm too depressed to go anyway. I eat heaps of junk food to make myself feel better, than I feel really angry at myself because I'm gaining weight. I joined a gym and hate going. The highlight of my day was watching my favourite TV show, and i just watched the finale episode. So now what? I'm so unhappy
