I feel trapped in my head

[Nothing___]

I don't even know where to start I feel like I have so much in my head and I don't even know what help I want/need or how to ask for it...I feel like I must be choosing this depression because I have a good life, a successful career, I love my family..I have insight into it being an illness but somewhere is a voice telling me that I have no business suffering. I was diagnosed and began medication 20yrs ago..and yet it still is a regular fight. I can hear the rational part in my brain but I have another voice telling me it must just be attention seeking. I have just received a promotion and got overwhelmed and cried at work. I'm terrified that people will really see how substandard and weak I am and that will be the end of it all. I am just so tired.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you, especially at such an incredibly trying time. To say that inner dialogue can be challenging at times can be a massive understatement. It can definitely feel like the biggest struggle of all on occasion. I'm so glad you've come here, where you'll find people who'll be able to relate to the challenges of inner dialogue and some of the ways they've come to manage it.

Not sure whether you're in that percentage of the population that hears the 'you' factor when it comes to inner dialogue. It's a rather quirky thing that can have inner dialogue sounding so much more convincing. For example, while what comes to mind for some is 'I'm being all dramatic' or 'I'm just attention seeking', with the 'you' factor (and variations on that) it can become 'You're being all dramatic', 'You're attention seeking', 'You are never going to get any better' and all that kind of stuff. Everyone's got a theory on what it is, that thing that speaks to us.

Some would say it's the rational and non rational parts of our brain that speak to us (aka feeling stuck in the middle when it comes to 'Being in 2 minds'). Others may suggest that all those facets that go toward making up the whole of who we are speak to us. So, that one's more about the adventurer in us insisting 'You have got to start making a difference in your life. You have got to go somewhere exciting or do something more exciting for once' or it might be our inner critic insisting 'You're hopeless, whatever you do is never going to be good enough' or perhaps the sage in us might pop in now and then insisting 'Just breathe. Everything's going to be okay. You just need to find a guide at this time in your life, someone to lead the way while shedding some much needed light'. Then there are some who take a more soulful view when it comes to divine guidance and not such divine guidance that comes to mind. A whole stack of different theories to choose from when it comes to that 'you' factor of inner dialogue. I actually once spoke to a guy who decided to give his inner critic a name, so that he could address it constructively. I can't recall what the name was but let's just call it Bob, for the sake of example. This way of managing helped him create distance between him self and his inner critic. This is kind of along the lines of 'Bob, I can feel you depressing me. I can feel you bringing me down. I refuse to listen to you'.

While the ways we manage our inner dialogue may be questionable to some, it's really about finding ways that work for us. Sometimes it can be about developing existing parts of us or bringing new parts of our self to life. While we may never have needed to do this in the past in any extraordinary way, suddenly the need can become undeniable and overwhelming. If there is a completely fearless facet within us, the question becomes 'How the heck to I bring that to life in ways that are going to serve me?'. How to make that fearless part of our self our best friend for life?

[BlueLily]

Hello, Welcome to the forum. Congratulations on your promotion!

Sorry to hear you were diagnosed with depression 20 years ago. In my own experience also, it's not something that can be fully gotten rid of. It comes and goes time to time, sometimes even when I think everything is going well and happy for me. I suppose if recovering from mental health issues were that easy there wouldn't be all this forums and organisations putting so much effort to help people like us. That's something I think about to justify myself and not feel like I'm weak.

Something what really helped me uncover my own deep emotions is to talk about my pain, my sad feelings with someone who I can trust and understanding rather than hiding from it. Whether it's with a therapist or a friend. And as I talk I start to uncover my worries or sad feelings. Then I address them with relevant people if that's a possibility. Most importantly, if it's related to my friends or family, or even work, I have tried to convey them or be vulnerable around them. That has given me so much relief and comfort in the past. I understand that it can be challenging with certain work places and roles. But I think despite the good pay or promotions, we have to make sure we are happy at work and we are treated respectfully. 

Good luck and hope you find the strength in your recovery process.