I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

[cv02]

I was diagnosed with Major Depression 4 years ago and went to a psychologist, went on meds, finished up, got better, had a relapse, did the same cycle again, got better- haven't felt depressed or anxious in a while - then BOOM! I overhear that my (extremely supportive) manager is quitting and well I had to pop an AD just to calm my body down. I can feel my mind going down the very familiar paths of undertainty and doubt. I HATE THIS FEELING.

Looking at the situation logically - I am happily married, have a job, a house, a big ass mortgage, 2 wonderful kids and even a tesla. But instead of feeling grateful all I'm feeling is a sense of fear for the future and an inadequacy that I can't keep up with my life, my debts, I fear of getting fired and not having a job. Of going through the debilitating pain that I went through 4 years ago. Change is good. But I hate change. I have to learnt to live with change.

[indigo22]

I totally understand your response and want you to know that I was not suggesting that you look at something like that right now but may be worth keeping it in mind for when you have been on meds for a while and are feeling better. I guess what I am trying to say is that instead of ruminating about what could go wrong, try ruminating on how you could you improve your future. Doing a short course in something that you would love try, or doing a long course in something that could eventually replace what you are doing now. Give yourself something to look forward to. You are stronger than you think you are. You have been through this twice before and you got through it both times, I am sure you can get through it again, just be sure you have your supports in place. Put the helpline numbers on your phone, see a counsellor regularly, communicate with your loved ones about how you are feeling, post on the forums when you need some extra support, I will be here to listen.

Be kind to yourself,

indigo

[cv02]

Lots of changes going on and I absolutely hate it. I want to scream and shout but I know it's not useful and I need to keep lookin strong and normal for my kids. Rationally nothing big is happening - my boss' boss is moving on. Which means I get completely new management and both my boss and my boss' boss who were the only ones who knew and have been supportive of my depression is moving on. I realise that this is just life and I should just "get over it" but it feels like the support structures in my work environment has just completely disappeared. I just wish money wasn't an issue and that I didn't have to work but of course that's not the way that the world works. I have to trudge along for both my wife and kids for the next god knows how long just waiting for the day until I kick the bucket. And of course I'll do it for them. I just wish I wasn't so damn tired all the time. And of course I'm scared. Scared of losing my job. Scared of losing my house. Scared of not being able to give my kids the life THEY deserve. How the hell do people do it????

[indigo22]

Hi cv02,

Firstly I want to point out that when you say "nothing big is happening", it is actually what started your downward spiral again, so for you it is a big thing. In your state of mind, you can't just "get over it" because it is what is causing your distress.

Are you talking to anybody? Your wife, a friend, a counsellor about what you are dealing with.

Have you started on medication as yet?

It is really important that you don't try to deal with this alone, it will just make things worse by not talking about it, and the ruminating will wear you down. What you don't want in this situation is to make yourself so unwell that you are unable to function in any area of your life, that is your worst case scenario that you have been ruminating on.

I want to share with you a situation I was in about 8 years ago. I had lost my entire family (parents and 2 bothers) except for my sister who is a narcissist and took great pleasure in making life difficult for me. I was living with my mother as her carer and when she passed (she was the last to pass) and my sister came at me with lawyers within weeks of her passing. She demanded to see the will, made accusations that I had misused my power of attorney etc. I hade been really struggling to keep my depression at bay throughout losing my family members but I reached a point of feeling completely broken after my mother passed. So I not only had to deal with my grief, but also Centrelink, who made me go through the long process of appeals that went on for 2 years, and my sister, who made me go through 4 years of dealing with her through lawyers. I had no partner, no children, no siblings to draw any strength from and I was having suicidal ideation because I wasn't coping, however I had been talking to a social worker throughout. I was really afraid of what the future was going to hold. I didn't know where I was going to live or how I was going to live with no family at age 51. My sister had turned her children against me so the only family I have now is my brother's son and daughter. The lawyers suggested that the case be handled through mediation and when everything was settled, my sister demanded that the house go to auction regardless of the fact that I was really struggling with my mental health at the time, in fact I think she probably got pleasure out of putting me under a bit more pressure. At least at that point I had some idea of what I could do in the way of finding somewhere to live so I looked at places that were far away from her and within a price range I could afford. I bought a house outright (it needs a lot of work but at least it is mine) because I never wanted to be in a position again where someone else had control over my survival in that way. I have never looked back, I have good neighbors, it's a small town with only one set of traffic lights, I am 360km away from my sister and I am happy here.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but I am here to listen.

indigo

[cv02]

Thanks Indigo. Thank you for sharing your story as I know that you don't need to. It suprisingly helps hearing other people's story as it makes me realise that everyone is going through something - regardless of how different. I have been weaning off my meds but I have definitely started them again after today. I'm due to see my GP next week to talk about a mental health plan. Funny how I'm worried about finances and the future and I'm opting into to pay at least $100 per session to talk to a psychologist. I understand about the suicidal ideation as I too have felt that before when I was in a really bad place. If anything that's what I'm really scared of - being, feeling like that again. Anyways, I'm grateful that you shared your details.

[indigo22]

I'm really glad to hear you are seeing your GP to set up a mental health plan, I know it can be expensive, I have recently started seeing a therapist again as there are still some things from my past that haven't been healed.

Stay on your meds for as long as it takes to give you a chance to find some balance again and think of the cost of seeing a therapist as insurance against sinking into that black hole again. Good mental health is essential to navigating life in a balanced way. I don't know about you, but I never want to feel that bad again.

Let me know how things are going.

indigo