I don't know who I am anymore

[JJ_K99]

I've been dealing with depression for the first time this year since March and despite the helps I got through medical professionals and friends, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I want to do and I don't know what can make me feel better. My brain is in constant chaos and during most of the day I just wanna shut it off so I don't need to think. I just feel so lost within myself. In a way, I feel like maybe it was better when I was oblivious to this. I recently read an article about self-esteem and that without self-understanding, you cannot feel anything good about yourself simply because you don't know what you are.

So... I guess my question is how can i figure out myself and understand myself more? I tried writing things down about myself but I didn't event know where to begin.

[Guest_1643]

Hey JJ

I'm sorry you are struggling and that sound hards to feel like you don't recognise yourself.

It is hard sometimes being down and then other people tend to tell us who we are etc... and it might not penetrate or make us feel better. A mental health professional for example could give us feedback about ourselves that we might not believe...

i think sometimes these struggles can be aided in a sort of back-to-front way....

mindfulness can help us just observe our thoughts and worries and let them be.... and then, paradoxically, we can sometimes get some more insight .... just a thought of something that helps me.

The idea of having no sense of self feels very familiar to me... something I really relate to... something I wander if maybe a lot of people experience.... and it can be scary but I just wanted to let you know many people go through this.

[therising]

Hi JJ_K99

Wouldn't it be nice if life came with an instruction manual. Without that manual, we're left 'winging it' (life), wondering what we're doing 'wrong'.

If such a manual existed, I imagine the 1st chapter would come with a warning: 'At some point, you may be conditioned out of being your natural self. Society may actually be bringing you down, as opposed to raising you. Things may get dark and you may begin to face the thought 'I've forgotten who I really am (who I was in the beginning, before I was reformed within such a conditional life)''.

Who do we begin life as? That kid always looking for excitement until we're told to focus more on boring responsibilities, that kid who is taught impulse control, to the degree where we're conditioned to think everything through, that kid who wonders about all the endless possibilities born through our imagination until we're told to 'get real', that kid who questions all things questionable until we're told 'Stop questioning so much'. So you could say we begin acting. We act as someone who must tolerate somewhat soul destroying boredom. We act as thinkers, leaving little room for inspiration to come in. We act more wonderless in this reality and we act as those who never question that which in fact should be questioned. Then, when all this acting becomes intolerable, we just can't stand it anymore, having lost our self so much. It can be undeniably depressing.

Personally, I have found self understanding to be incredibly important. To say 'I understand the self I have become vs the self I naturally am' is a good start. To acknowledge a difference between the 2 can give us the ability to re-member our natural self (pull our dismembered self back together). From my experience, being sensitive is exactly what allows us to do this. Anyone who tells you to 'toughen up' watch out for. This is actually a directive to be insensitive. So, if someone spouts out some poop at you, instead of being insensitive toward it, you can sense inspiration leading you to wonder 'Why is this person behaving like an a******e?' You can either keep such wonder to yourself or, if your desperate to know the answer, ask them 'Why are you behaving like an a******e, spouting out nothing but poop? I really need to know'. I hope that got a laugh out of you. I warn you, when you return to your super natural ability to be wonderful and question everything, it does trigger people 🙂

The search for your natural self is a liberating experience.

🙂

[Tay100]

Hi JJ_K99

We hope you have gotten some advice and insight on the forum- there have been some great responses so far, cheers everyone. Wanting to practise self-awareness and introspection is really admirable and sounds like it would be really beneficial and empowering for you as you embark on your mental health journey. If you are struggling to write things down, it sounds like you may benefit from bullet journaling or scrapbooking- there's less pressure to express yourself and document your thoughts in a structured way. It's just about acknowledging what you feel in the moment- how does this sound for you?

Tay100

[JJ_K99]

Hey therising, thank you so much for this. I could relate to everything you said and it helps to know that a lot of people does go through the same stage!

[JJ_K99]

Hey Tay100,

I actually used to do bullet journaling and I did enjoy it. I guess I just got very lazy and lethargic which made me stop doing them hahahhahaha. But I guess it certainly is a more enjoyable/creative way for me to explore my thoughts so I will give it another try!! thank you

[therising]

Hi JJ_K99

It's amazing how the search for our natural self tends to happen at predictable times in life. I suppose you could call this in some ways a crisis of identity.

It'll typically happen around the ages of 15, 45 and 70, significant milestones. Of course, there are other times in our life where we find our self 'waking up' to question 'Who am I'? 15 is typically when we begin to form our independent self, independent of our parent's ways of thinking. So, 'Who am I? How and what do I think or believe in and who do I wish to be' become some key questions asked in one way or another. 45, also known as 'the midlife crisis' point, tends to have people pondering 'Do I really want to keep living like this? Is this job worth keeping? Can I really identify with it or do I hate it? Is my partner really exciting enough for me? What is missing in my life? Who do I wish to be?' Around 70, the retirement years, the question 'Who am I going to be from hereon in?' is asked in one way or another. 'Will I be the adventurer who buys a caravan and explores the country? Will I travel to places I've never been before? Who will I become with this money that's been saved (Superannuation)? Will I be overly careful within an unfulfilling life or carefree with a healthy sense of not spending like a maniac and drying up that well of opportunity (savings)? Who do I wish to be?'

The thought 'There has to be more to life than this', is an inspiring thought, leading us to wonder. When wonder itself leads us to explore possibilities, this is where the game of 'Follow the leader' becomes kind of magical. Wonder will always lead us to question. Even though we don't always find the answers straight away, questioning may simply become something we've been failing to do on a regular basis up 'til now. Questioning 'Where did this or that belief of mine come from and is it actually mine to begin with or was it taught to me?' is a good question. Another good question 'Who is raising me and who is bringing me down?' A question and answer which changed my life and helps me manage to stay out of depression is 'Who am I going to be?' The answer will never change: I am forever going to be my natural self, someone evolving and never settling for a life I can not tolerate'. It took me decades to discover this self, a self I will never give up for anyone or anything. We will always be challenged to remain true to our self. Accepting the challenges remains key.

🙂

[Guest_1643]

hi JJ - great that there have been some awesome responses! Sounds like you had fun with bullet journalling - your inspiring me also to give it a go.
i thnk i had a lot of loss of sense of self when I also didn't hvae supportive friends... i thnk we can flourish in a safe space with people who listen etc... maybe self and growth works with finding a tribe as well... The endless search for meaning!!

Really inspired by Tay and Tims considered posts... thank you JJ for starting this conversation. I struggle so much with sense of self too - and I relate to and benefit from this chat as well.

[Not_Batman]

Hi JJ_K99

what you have described resonates with me quite a lot. A few years ago i misplaced who i was. It was one of the things that brought me to BB forums.

i knew what i was, but who i was was a completely different thing. The words that came from the people that responded tome helped me to find myself again. They didnt come immediately, and it did take some searching, and im still searching in places for a little part of me.

when it comes to writing things down, start with anything. Are you eating something? What is it? how does it taste? What are the sensations? What do you like about it?

These are the kinds of things i find myself asking.

Not_Batman

[JJ_K99]

Hey sleepy21,

I definitely agree that we can flourish in a safe space with people who listen. I actually started seeking help more actively because of the constant support from my friends. Yes, I am still lost and they could not give me direct answers, but just knowing that there are others on this journey with m, it is just so much more encouraging. And talking to others going through the similar things on this forum definitely helps me too!! I wish all the best for you 😄