I can't change my past and I don't know how to change my future. I'm miserable all the time.

[outrun]

I am convinced that I am locked into a future of unhappiness due to the life choices I've made. The regret I feel is overwhelming.

I finished high school in 2010 with good grades. My first terrible decision was to enrol into a high-pressure undergraduate degree that I knew very little about, without even feeling as though it could be something I'd enjoy. My second terrible decision was to continue to struggle through the degree rather than drop out as soon as I realised it wasn't for me.

I was already diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders coming out of high school, so I thought perhaps they were the cause for my lack of enjoyment and struggles at university. So I continued, for five years, trying to complete this undergraduate degree, often going part time, failing many subjects along the way. I was consumed with the effort of it.

In the end, it got to a point where I knew I wasn't going to pass any of the upcoming subjects, so I dropped out altogether. I was now 24 years old, feeling as though I'd just wasted five years on nothing.

I had gone travelling for perhaps a couple of weeks in all this time, and hadn't worked any job beyond some basic retail.

My next terrible decision was to not explore the world about now that I was not caught up with university. I just worked doing a menial job, saving most of the money and spending it on nothing. This was driving me crazy, and without any better ideas, I made another terrible decision: I enrolled in another undergrad degree, in the same field as before, starting again in first year.

I'm 26 now and more miserable than ever. I can't remember not being miserable. I feel like I've sabotaged any chance of being happy in life, for no reason. I wish I could press a button and go back 10 years, but I can't. I don't know how I can possibly be happy in the future now - if I had the freedom to do anything I don't even know what I'd do.

[Soberlicious96]

Hi Outrun,

When I was a young person, still in high school, what I wanted to be/do more than anything was to be a Veterinary Surgeon. I wanted to work with animals, because I thought they were so much better than people. But here's the thing: I'm allergic to animals.

You can laugh if you want to, cos yeah, it's kinda funny. But at the time, I was beyond devastated. I had no idea what to do with my life, if I couldn't be a Vet. I had already started drinking and drugging, and due to a couple of other devastating events that occurred in my life in that same year that the realization dawned that I could not be a Vet, I spiralled into a deep depression, failing every subject at school and ultimately dropping out.

What happened next was somewhat of a 'miracle' of sorts, I suppose, in a way. At least, that's how I prefer to look at it now.

My mum told me that I couldn't just leave school and do nothing, that I HAD to get a job.

So I applied for random jobs that I thought I might be able to do, but that didn't really hold any meaning for me, like being a Vet did. And that was when I 'fell into' the Printing Industry. And you know what? I actually loved it! I had 15 great years in a 'job' that I loved. Apparently, as a very young child/toddler, I was constantly playing with paper and boxes and things ...... and here I was as a young adult working in a field where I was able to 'play with' paper and boxes and things! Who'd have thought that my life would go that way!

I will add, at this stage, I also got clean and sober (and became a qualified Printer and Graphic design artist) while still working in that field, and to this day, I also am glad that I was able to get a qualification that didn't require near as much study as being a Vet would have been!

Another thing I remember too, is seeing a sign one day that said "Find a job that you love, and you'll never 'work' a day in your life."

I get that now. I work in, what some might say is a menial job .... but you know what? I LOVE what I do.

So that is my suggestion to you; get out there and find out how you can start doing what you love - be it in a paid capacity or volunteer or whatever, and you will find true contentment.

Doesn't matter if it's being a brain surgeon, or scrubbing toilets. Just make sure it's being true to you. And don't let anyone tell you what you 'should' be doing. Do what YOU want to do. And then, let us know how you go!

Best of luck. I'll be waiting to hear! xo

[Croix]

Dear Outrun~

A warm Welcome. Some, in fact a lot, of what you say echoes my own feelings when depression and anxiety really hit -and stayed.

You are wrong about yourself you know, those events and decisions you made you see as mistakes, things to be taken back if that was possible. As an outsider I see something quite different.

I see a person with determination, not someone to easily chuck in the towel. And someone who ascribes to the idea that if at first you don't succeed ...

All that has happened is you have learned that going to uni to do that course is not for you - OK not really all that bad.

There is even a plus side, though all your efforts you have learned something about your limitations and the warning signs when you are trying to exceed them. This is one of life's hardest lessons, and you are going to be able to apply it in every endeavor for the rest of your life.

A few years early on to gain this wisdom is not a waste. You do not need to hit a rewind button, but use your experiences as the foundation to go on to other things.

May I ask if you are currently under treatment? The despondency and feeling that things are hopeless needs to be addressed. I never improved until I had competent medical help. If you are seeing a doctor you need to say how you feel and have your regime adjusted - it is not working properly.

You do not need to know what you want to do at the moment, for most of us we tend to fall into things, and if we find we enjoy them we stay. I suspect that might be the case for you.

Most people have things they enjoy already - not necessarily job related, just things. I read a lot, watch moves, play with pets, plus other things. What sort of things do you like?

I'd also like to ask if you have any personal support in your life; family, friends, partner? Someone you can talk with , who will care and give support.

I hope to hear from you again soon

Croix

[LesDave]

Outrun sounds like you have found the same problem as most of us. You need to get rid of the guilt and anger you have about the past. It's done. And the future, well it's not what you think it's going to be like. One tactic that has worked for me is to become more self aware. Ask yourself regularly to evaluate the mood and behaviour you are experiencing RIGHT NOW and label it. Then when things come into your head about the past or future, acknowledge they are there, but tell them you will not engage. Focus on right here right now. That's the most important stuff you need to fix right now. When you're depressed the last thing you can handle is really long term plans. Just try to get through each day to make life a bit better than it was in the morning. As you start to get better at this, you will start to gather more power and more happiness.

[outrun]

'Try to do what you love' is the advice I would give other people myself, and so I say it to myself. But there's nothing that I really love doing now. The one thing I really enjoyed doing when I was younger was to play music, and I was really good at it. But I gradually stopped and I don't play at all now, I haven't for years. When I try to play now, I just resent the fact that I didn't put the time into it before, when I had the freedom to do so. If I had kept practicing and playing, by now I could have realised the dreams I had back then.

[outrun]

Hi Croix,

I'm not currently receiving any treatment. I've been to quite a few therapists over the past ten years, but I never found them to be of any help. It's possible I just didn't find the right one, but after the fourth or fifth try I don't think the problem is with my choice of therapist. I've also tried a few different anti-depressants with similar results. I have support though. My family knows why I'm unhappy and I've talked about it with a couple of friends too.

I would be okay with not enjoying the job/career side of life if I had other things I enjoy, but as I said to Soberlicious96, there's not much I really enjoy now, anything that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. The hobbies I had have all just fallen by the wayside over the years as I put all my energy into trying to get through uni.

[Croix]

Dear Outrun~

Because I think it is almost impossible sometimes to reduce depression by oneself I normally suggest exactly what you have tried, and I can very easily understand your disillusionment.

So maybe a support group might be better for the moment. I'd suggest ringing our 24/7 Help Line and see waht is in your area -at lest the members will 'get it'.

Jumping straight back into playing may be unrealistic, though I suspect some simple airs might be achievable. However it does not have to be as grand (sorry about that) an enjoyment. Small things have significance, even a special brand of coffee, or a chapter in a book or ... well I think you understand. Small steps.

Plus I don't believe you loose all musical ability, muscles may need retraining, but it is all still there inside you

Croix