Not sure if depressed but definitely tired.

[Kio]

So I won't go into too much detail about my medical issues ( severe eczema) but the mental effects of it is something I never talk about to anyone. Not to my family or my close friends. People generally avoid someone with problems so I never bring it up, to always keep a somewhat normal vibe. I also hate burdening people so I sort of made it a rule to never show my feelings on this. In fact I may have locked out a portion of my emotions entirely so people don't figure me out.

But this... it's getting too much. I'm tired. If it's not my height (162cm) that apparently is a problem, it's my nationality (south east asian), and if it's not my nationality, it's my skin. I had eczema issues for my whole life until early 20's (25 now) so I completely missed the "gaining experience" phase with girls. Back then I decided, "why date if I'll be rejected for my skin anyway". "I've lost before I've even begun". Life felt like I was born with a curse as doctors repeatedly telling me "there's no cure". Nothing against them, but after awhile of hearing that, you start to see yourself as a malfunctioning human. Like I don't have the right to find a partner in life or ever be happy. Ironically, I've become a really logical person after locking out some of my emotions. I'm running on pure logic as a coping mechanism right now. So to me, things like suicide is out of the question because me dying means a burden on my friends and family, so that's automatically out of the question.

In 2015, my eczema actually consumed me and put me into a vegetable state where I went through 6 months of torture to fix myself. Everyday felt like a thousand knives were stabbing me. Even then I held out because the logic of "if my body has hit rock bottom, it can only go up from here". After that saga, physically things are better and I've worked super hard to be part of society but I'm tired.

My entire life has been the "challenger" and I've always prevailed somehow. But I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of challenging. I don't have anything left except to walk on my knees. I also gave up on people due to bad experiences so I only trust myself when it comes down to it. This doesn't mean I'm rude to people, it just means I never expect anyone to follow through. But life is getting lonely. And darker. I want to cry but I can't. If that happens I feel like I'm admitting defeat.

Anyways, I'm gonna keep crawling. If I'm going to fall, I can at least fall forward.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sorry to hear of your problems but great to hear of your positive attitude.

Google

beyondblue Topic a good nights deep sleep

I hope that helps

TonyWK

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Kio,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for joining us. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much with everything and I'm glad that you're here.

The first thing that comes to my mind while reading it is that I wish that I could be a shoulder for you (I hope that's not too weird to hear!). I don't see you as a malfunctioning human or undatable but I do see you as compartmentalising your feelings because you haven't had that support or space to bring it up.

Is there a way that you can create that space to be able to share your feelings and thoughts without feeling like you're a burden? I feel like that's important for everybody, let alone someone who is struggling.

Crying to me is not a defeat; quite the opposite really. I think that if you were to let yourself cry, it would be such a great release for you - it's one thing to be tired from your eczema, but surely another to be bottling everything up and being so isolated. For the record - I actually had a friend who was short too (maybe 130cm if I had to guess) and had eczema. It also got to the point where she was bed-ridden for a while. She's engaged to be married. I'm sharing this with you because while you see barriers, other people don't.

[Kio]

Thanks for the replies.

I went through the post you suggested white knight and thinking maybe I should lock down on my sleep more. I try to get at least 7 hours a night. Not sure if 8 hours will make a difference haha.

Thanks romantic_thi3f. Nah it's not weird, I appreciate the thought. I wouldn't even know where to start. What I'm going through is complicated compared to an addiction of some sort which there are places specifically designed to help people who need that. My best mate's life is doing so well and I wouldn't dare to burden him. He's just had a kid and is rising up in his work place. I want his life to run as flawless as possible so telling him this stuff would go against that. Family is out of the question too because I don't want to worry any of them.

Unfortunately I think there's a stark contrast when it comes to men and women for height and how society perceives it. Shorter women are seen as cute and endearing while shorter men are seen as not man enough. I used the term "supposedly" because I personally like being my height, but the first hand results I get continues to put dents in my self esteem. I've gotten "I don't want my kids to be short" all the way to "I want to feel like I'm protected". Despite this, I've never once wished I was taller since I don't hate my height. More like I wish my height was more accepting.

The things I listed aren't things I dislike about myself, but more like things that have proven to be obstacles for reasons I understand. I understand the reasons but it still sucks. Things may actually be easier if I was physically disabled somewhere. I could at least justify needing help and would feel more comfortable being a burden because you can obviously see it. Like if I was born without legs or something. But I look pretty normal so the burden is an unexpected one and that, I feel, gets the worst reactions as people want nothing to do with you.

Excuse my terrible example, I'm grateful I still have my legs.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Kio,

Thanks for your post and it's good to hear from you again.

I don't mind your example, I think that it's really good that you've shared that. What has it been like to talk about everything here?

I'm getting from your post that even though you have supportive people in your life, you don't really want to reach out to them or burden them. While I understand the feeling, people are there to support you - and it's okay to use that. Do you think you'd feel burdened if things were switched around and people reached out to you?

You said in your post that the things you've listed aren't things you dislike about yourself, so I think I may have misinterpreted that as it seems like you are very down on yourself. Can I switch it then - what is it that you do like about yourself?

[Kio]

I've started to feel better. I guess it just gets like that around the start of the working week. Posting here has helped a bit.

I think I don't want to take them for granted so I accept what support they give me from them as they are. From my experience, support on a whim for smaller things has been better than most things. Bigger things I feel like is out of moral obligation and often become tests of friendship. If they fail, I don't want to risk changing how I see them. I guess I wouldn't feel burdened but from my past experiences, I get the vibe that most people don't care about other people's problems. I tried telling other friends about this in a tip-toeing form, and I got the "not paying attention/too busy looking at phone" kind of responses. At that time I had some bandages on my arms due to my eczema too so it was pretty obvious I was going through something.

I don't usually like saying positive things about myself because I don't know how to word it without coming off as boastful/egocentric. But I like to think I'm pretty down to earth, open minded and understanding. I usually respect people's opinions if they're reasonably justified. I work hard at what I do (Animation) because it took a long time to get to this point. Also because even if my life crumbles, my creative skill set will be there forever as long as I polish it. In terms of physicality I think I'm a pretty normal looking guy.

Despite saying things like living with a cursed body, this curse has made me who I am. I feel like I'm more understanding of people because of my own experiences. I matured faster than most people so bad decisions a lot of teens make (drugs, alcohol, smoking etc), I managed to avoid using some form of clear judgement at the time. If I had a second shot at life, I don't think I'd want to change anything about myself. But rather I'd prefer a change in the world. One that's a bit less superficial or judgemental.

I don't want to come off as "I'm not the problem! everyone else is!" or something like that. I'm on the verge of being simply happy with myself, but it's others that keeps reminding me of my flaws. Though I know it's unintentional. The usual advice I see is "don't worry about what other people think." That works for awhile until I realised I'm approaching 30 and that I haven't really meant anything significant to anyone because I've been focusing on myself for so long. Then I start to wonder if I'm the problem or if something is wrong with me.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Kio,

Sorry to hear you got that response from your friends. I don't think that reaching out to people is taking them for granted, but I can see the reluctance given your experience.

It's also been great hearing the things that you like about yourself. I think drawing on that is a strength rather than egocentric, because it's important to see that in ourselves.

What you're saying makes sense. Sometimes I think the world doesn't really work in our favour, in the sense that we're all so unique and it would like us to fit in some kind of box - which is not realistic for any of us. Personally, I think there's kind of this fine line of acceptance - in knowing who we are, and being okay with who we are - in a world (and society) that doesn't always accept that or honour that. I'm not going to tell you not to worry what others' think, but I'd highly recommend that if you do worry - don't worry so much that it takes you away from your goals and values. I think that if you were to keep striving towards Animation and believing those things about yourself, you'll do just fine 🙂

[SallyP]

Oh honey, I completely feel your pain. I too felt I had to keep my problems to myself because no one cared and out of a fear of being labelled until I found a Dr who listened to me. She sat with me for 2 hours and then did genetic testing and was able to find a gene that surprisingly was causing my allergies/eczema. Cost me a bloody fortune but totally worth it. Might be worth checking out.