I am lost

[Gloria]

Don't know where to turn. Feeling isolated and am putting on a brave face for family and work. Have tried to talk to my partner. - who doesnt believe in depression, his advice get over it and stop worrying. Have huge regrets about leaving a job I loved but that was 3 years ago. I work in management with a difficult team and intense deadlines. I feel sick in the stomach as I pull into work.  Just turned 50 and have made constant poor choices and achieved little. I know this is very ungrateful of me but it is how I see myself. To top it off I am not sleeping. The anxiety is constant but be is at its worse after miidnight where my heart is racing and pounding. Can't see my GP ... Too ashamed and very embarrassed .

[HelenM]

Hi Gloria,

I've been reading through your thread and really admire how determined you are to help yourself. My first husband was very critical of my depression and my subsequent reduction of hours at work caused arguments and his huge disappointment in me. So, I do understand where you're coming from on this point. It makes it harder but over the years (I have chronic depression) I have found more and more resources to help me. This site being one. When someone first suggested I might have depression I felt overwhelming shame. Now I don't care who knows and make a point of chatting about it and mental illness in general in my desire to get rid of the stigma that is still kicking around.

When you get to see your gp you will find that it was all so much easier than you'd expected.

You said you've made bad decisions. I'm 55 so older than you. I'll kid on I'm wiser. I think bad decisions are when the decision has a massive negative impact on you or someone else. eg. you unwisely decide to kill someone you hate; you decide to have no more to do with your children; you go into loads of debt so that a person/a charity/a project will benefit.Things like leaving a job you liked, not buying a house and wishing you had etc. This is living and we all do it and the experience helps us in future decisions. I have convinced myself so well about this that I'm in danger of becoming smug, and believe me, I don't live a life that is envied.

I don't know if any of what I've said is helpful but I really hope your gp appt goes well and I look forward to hear how things are going generally.

Best wishes,Helen

[Gloria]

Well tomorrow is the day ... A life lived in fear ... Is only half lived. G

[geoff]

dear Gloria, please can I beg you not to cancel tomorrows appointment, because it's taken a lot of convincing and encouraging you, and if by any chance you don't go, then this wall you are trying to climb will only triple, and remember doctor's appointment times are only 10 minutes, so it will go in a flash.

Take this as a step towards recovery, it has to start somewhere, and as I have said before you have now allowed strangers to help you so thank you.

The answer to what you said for me it was an enormous battle that lasted for a long long time, which I must say has changed all my circumstances and I must admit altered my whole life, but now I can put it all behind me now.

As we become older our tastes, hobbies, interests, relationship and desires change, and this could be because we mature, as we have learnt so much over the years, either good or bad.

Please let us know how you get on, and good luck. L Geoff. x

[geoff]

dear Gloria, can you please get back to us, and I have a feeling that you may not have gone to see your doctor, that's OK, and I won't blame you at all, because it was a huge step for you, so don't feel as though you feel guilty.

However you may have gone but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to go, but you can't not talk about itas it will only eat away at you, and that's not good. L Geoff. x