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I am lost
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Don't know where to turn. Feeling isolated and am putting on a brave face for family and work. Have tried to talk to my partner. - who doesnt believe in depression, his advice get over it and stop worrying. Have huge regrets about leaving a job I loved but that was 3 years ago. I work in management with a difficult team and intense deadlines. I feel sick in the stomach as I pull into work. Just turned 50 and have made constant poor choices and achieved little. I know this is very ungrateful of me but it is how I see myself. To top it off I am not sleeping. The anxiety is constant but be is at its worse after miidnight where my heart is racing and pounding. Can't see my GP ... Too ashamed and very embarrassed .
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Hi Gloria, I am new to the forums too, but not new to depression/anxiety & panic. I thought I might tell you a little of my story....it began sneakily as it always does, slowly, slowly, stress at work, sleeping poorly, not coping, brave face. I was feeling 'fragile' at work for a couple of days & thought I'd go for a walk the next day to clear my head. Next day....I couldn't get out the front door, let alone go for a walk. I sat on the couch crying & trembling, knowing I needed help, but not able to do anything about it. Finally I sent a text msg to my husband at work asking him to call the doctor for me because I couldn't do it. I also couldn't even call my own husband! I went to my GP, I cried & fidgeted through the appointment but everyone was so helpful caring & supportive. What I'm trying to put across is that you are not alone, & you're right, this may well be your first step to acceptance. Please don't be ashamed of how you feel, it's very valid & there is help available. If you have a GP you can trust, make the appointment. Talk to your husband, & your children when you're ready, ask them to help you, to be patient, to listen & try to understand. It's hard, but there is help available. You've taken the first step already, there is no shame in asking for help.
Good luck. C
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dear Gloria, nice to hear back from, and yes there are so many other people who I do reply to, and when someone I try and help through there concerns and the replies go back and forth then I just can't drop replying to them.
Most people who I have replied to I wish that they would keep the conversation going and not stop, but that is something I have no control with.
I must admit that I only really stay on the 'New Posts' but I should go through 'My Posts' to check on people replying back to us/me, so if there are a couple of days that I don't reply is because it's not on new posts, that's my fault but I get caught up on anyone posting.
It's good to go and see some new doctor as you have suggested who deals with depression of any form, and really it's not that hard, but what is difficult is your worry, but these doctors are trained in this particular area and naturally know that there is something troubling you, so you're 'got your foot in the door.'
Your husband's response 'that you take things personally' is neither being helpful nor really interested in what is happening to you.
I don't think that he will be at all supportive for you feeling the way you do, unless he has a dramatic change in his attitude, but then what will make this happen?
When someone with depression does want to feel numb so that's not unusual, but being a fraud, no way this could ever be possible, because the powers of this illness are so strong it takes over, whether we like it or not, or whether we want it or not, we don't have any choice, but we can fight back as brittle as we feel , because depression can't stop us from doing this, but we need to feel as though we want to attack it head on, as it will never go away by itself.
It may appear at times that we have overcome depression by ourselves, sure this is possible but what it won't do is to sort out those very deep problems we have, that are impossible to overcome, so we carry these major concerns around with us, which will again rise up again and then force us back into depression, and this can start as quickly at it did before.
(409 left)
Now the week end is upon us, so I wonder if you could go and do something that you love or used to love to do, because you need to try and take your mind off the pressures that have gone on for a long time. L Geoff. x
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Hi Cat,
thanks for your reply, your response sounded so familiar to me. Isn't funny how you can read another persons story and totally get the whole -"there is no reason to feel ashamed" - and what I am learning now it that this is apart of this whole anxiety/ depression thing. I am working upto an appointment with GP - I don't know why but I am really scared of this. And your advice about telling my husband and children when I am ready helps too. I even feel a bit guilty about sharing it here first but when I think like this I stop myself and know this has helped me through some REALLY bad couple of days. I at least I have a plan of how to deal with my feelings and know that after a long build I need to do something. I am starting with my "being kind" mantra and my herbal sleep tea ( so I have at least stopped rattling around at 2 am). I haven't made the GP appointment but am working up to this. Thank you so much for sharing your story - it has really helped. take care.
gloria
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Hi Geoff yes this is good advice. I have made time to sit in the sun and have looked through my vintage fabrics and started to sew. i have decided to keep my thoughts and worries to myself until I see a GP -I think I have found the right person- I have their number so will find a time next week to call- one day at a time and lots of deep breaths. Thanks for you thoughts ... Much appreciated. G
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Hi Gloria,
Wondering how you're going this week and if you've managed to pick up the phone yet to make that appointment. Believe me, you'll feel better afterwards, first steps to getting help. I don't deny it's not difficult to sit in the doctors office after you've walked in & smiled at the reception staff & exchanged pleasantries etc before launching somehow into the deepest, darkest, secretest parts of your thinking......But, just launch.....it will be ok.😊
Glad you've picked up doing something you enjoy. I too started with 'be kind to myself'...& that's really important. I journaled my feelings & found it really helps me. We wouldn't talk to a friend like we talk to ourselves sometimes. Hang in there...
Good luck
Cat😊🌺
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dear Gloria, well I am very pleased about this, but can I say the more you think 'will I' or 'is now the time' will only defer you from doing, so just go along as you have been ( or struggling), but then suddenly you can get up and ring his/her office.
These doctors know that you are not well, having trouble to cope with situations so they realise that you are nervous, so it may seem to a big step for you, but for them they have seen it all before, so just open up slowly, just so you can get a feeling on whether you like them.
You know that I can see a slight important in you, which you may not believe or even see yourself, but I assure you 'mum's the word', so lets just continue on, day by day and please keep in touch. L Geoff. x
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dear Gloria, as I said before I just can't drop replying to you, because that would defeat the purpose of you posting, and I can't expect Cat to feel the same, however I believe she would agree.
Next Wednesday well that's great, but as you say don't brood over it, and I have gone back to your first comment which you can print off if you are able to, and just take that to the doctor, this will break the ice, or any other comment in all the discussions.
Now the week end is upon us again, and how quickly the week has gone, so just do what you want to do, nothing stressful. L Geoff. x
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