Do you feel as though it can't be beaten?

Lilmama2 · ‎27-07-2015

Going on 13 years of suffering and now with 2 children and a husband being affected I am sadder than ever that I still haven't beaten this depression.

I have a great life and nothing bad happens to me and I have no reason to be depressed. Antidepressants haven't worked for me and the last 3 years of therapy haven't either.

I think I'm too lazy to be better because all I do is mope around and stress out over insignificant things. I never do anything to help the situation because I hate myself too much to be nicer to myself.

Should I just suck it up and start faking happiness so as not to burden my family any more? I wish I had a medicine that could numb me completely so I was never sad or angry.

mrkd1991 · ‎27-07-2015

Hi Lilmama2,

I would strongly recommend you go back to your GP for a review.

If you haven't seen any improvement with AD's and therapy, it is quite possible there is something else going on.

Depression in my opinion is quite often over diagnosed, and a lot of the time there's more to the problem than 'simply' depression.

For example, Bipolar Type 2 from my experience, is basically depression where the manic phase isn't very noticeable. This is treated quite differently and you will not generally see results simply using AD's.

Sucking it up and faking happiness can sometimes help, because you MAY begin to adapt to it. But I would definitely not recommend doing so to 'stop being a burden on others'. Faking happiness because you believe their pain is your fault, never really helps you.

Also, there are medications that will completely numb you, but when you think about it, is this really what you want?

You can't feel sad or angry (seems great), but you can't feel joy, you can't feel excitement, you can't feel anxious about something great happening. You loose more than you gain, trust me.

Keep holding on, go back to your GP and have another talk with them.

Maybe, just maybe, you're working on the wrong thing.

Good luck, and all the best.

ReeBecca · ‎27-07-2015

Hi there,

I am not very good at giving advice but I agree with mrkd1991's comments 🙂 there may be something else going on there that is making you unhappy and not get better. I'm sorry to hear that you hate yourself..that is a horrible burden to carry. I think even though you don't feel deserving of it, being nicer to yourself will really help.

I know it feels hopeless but perseve with looking for a solution and I'm sure you will get there.

I feel like I could have written this exact post not so long ago..so that makes me believe there's hope!

Kennaugh8 · ‎28-07-2015

Hi Lilmama2, welcome to the Beyondblue forum.

How you described your feelings is completely normal for someone who is suffering from depression so please try not to be so hard on yourself. As both mrkd1991 and ReeBecca said, there may be an outlying factor that is contributing to your depression.

Firstly, I would suggest going back to your GP to discuss alternative treatment options. This next suggestion may seem a little left field but if there is an imbalance in your gut flora (health), it can negatively effect the chemical balance of a mood regulator such as serotonin. It may be worth bringing this up with your GP next visit to discuss as I know this has been a contributing factor for some people I know.

No one should have to go through life pretending that they are happy and that everything is okay. I am sure that your family would want nothing more than for you to be happy again so please try not to look at yourself as a burden.

Be hopeful, stay strong and speak up when you need support, there are always people here who want to listen.

Chris

Carmen_Lisa · ‎28-07-2015

Yep, I hear you. I feel the same. If I acted on those feelings though, I'd be done rather than the faking happiness thing. Then... Probs 13 years for me too, I keep struggling, but hold a thread of hope too. I try new things and seek different support. Maybe it helps this time, or maybe it just means I keep fighting, but I have to try. 13 years and it's my first time to make friends on a forum. Give it a go. See what happens. I always wish for a magical fix, but it seems it is the many small steps that can ever begin to help. I forget that all the time though. Do you? Hope you can get somewhere and keep hoping.

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Lilmama2 · ‎31-07-2015

Thank you mrkd1991 and everyone that commented. I'm going back to my GP tomorrow and requesting a referral to a psychiatrist. Hopefully they will have more knowledge to guide me towards getting the right treatment. I have only tried CBT and working on challenging my core beliefs, as well as 3 types of AD's that have all made me nauseous and no positive change at all, but I guess there are a lot more options out there for me.

I have a glimmer of hope after reading your responses, thank you so much. I just want to be well, my husband and children deserve it.