I am lost

[Gloria]

Don't know where to turn. Feeling isolated and am putting on a brave face for family and work. Have tried to talk to my partner. - who doesnt believe in depression, his advice get over it and stop worrying. Have huge regrets about leaving a job I loved but that was 3 years ago. I work in management with a difficult team and intense deadlines. I feel sick in the stomach as I pull into work.  Just turned 50 and have made constant poor choices and achieved little. I know this is very ungrateful of me but it is how I see myself. To top it off I am not sleeping. The anxiety is constant but be is at its worse after miidnight where my heart is racing and pounding. Can't see my GP ... Too ashamed and very embarrassed .

[geoff]

dear Gloria, I had replied to your post a couple of hours ago and it had said that it had gone through, but it hasn't appeared as such, which I am really sorry about, but I will wait until the morning, as I didn't say anything that shouldn't have said I don't believe, but it was a post that I spent a bit of time in what I had to say.

Let's hope it appears. L Geoff. x

[Gloria]

Looking forward to reading this as you were correct - it didn't go through. Sorry for typing errors. A late night message. Also it all sounds rather pathetic I know but I am sooo tired of putting on the face. Thanks for the reply - Gloria

[White_Rose]

Dear Gloria

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It is good that you have found your way here and been able to write your story. Thank you.

I am sad that you are feeling so wretched and confused. I have frequently commented that depression, AKA the Black Dog, is a sneaky beast that gets into our brains and messes with our thinking. The good thing about writing here is that we all understand how you feel, having had similar experiences ourselves.

Fist of all can I suggest that you explore this site and read all you can about depression. Go to the top of the page and click on the blue tabs, especially Get Support, The Facts, and Resources. Lots of information and suggestions there. BB will post any of this information to you. There is also information for family and friends which may be useful for your husband.

Also read the other posts under Depression and Anxiety. Join in the conversations if you feel you can. When offering help to others we often give ourselves solutions or learn from the experiences of others. If you find the day particularly stressful then phone Beyond Blue on the 24/7 helpline. The number is 1300 22 4636 or use the Chat Online contact. Just click on Web chat above.

I am sorry you feel unable to see your GP. If you feel uncomfortable because he/she knows you then go to someone else. Scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on Find a Professional. There is a long list of GPs experienced in mental health issues and the list is searchable by postcode. Do not be put off by feelings of shame. Any decent GP will understand your feelings and will help you. Be as open and honest as possible. There is no shame to this.

One of the more common traits of people with depression is to blame themselves for what is happening. Not valid. The Black Dog will bite anyone and has no preference for age, gender, social standing, occupation, or any other attribute. Your husband's attitude is common. So few people, other than those directly affected, have much knowledge about depression. Being told to "get over it" is not helpful and I suspect it has added to your doubts about yourself. Be assured, it is a real illness experienced by many, many people.

And this is the point. It is just as much an illness as measles, diabetes, heart conditions and broken limbs. Once you can accept that it will make it easier to get help.

I look forward to hearing from you again. I'm sure Geoff will also write in again to you.

Mary

[Narniakid]

Hi Gloria!

Welcome to the forum and well done on sharing your story, I am sorry to hear you are feeling so down. What I firstly suggest is reading up on the resources on depression here on the website, and calling the hotline. 

It's a shame your partner is not acting as a supportive figure during this tough time, and therefore I urge you to visit your GP who will be able to find the root of your problem and refer you to a suitable psychologist. I can't stress how important it is to have a solid support network, and a psychologist is a good one in your case. Don't be embarrassed! They are there to help you! And if you don't seek help, you won't be able to get rid of your anxiety. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about - depression and anxiety are not character flaws, they are simply chemical imbalances in the brain. 

I recommend using breathing exercises when you are feeling really anxious, and also try some herbal sleeping tablets (try the brand 'Nature's Own') to help you at night, as well as some light reading before bed.

I'd also refer your partner to the resources for caring for people with depression and anxiety, that you can find here on the website as well, as it sounds like he's a little in denial and does not understand what you're feeling.

Anxiety thrives on avoidance, and negative thoughts are just reactions to fear. It gets better, but it's up to you! You've taken the first step to recovery, acknowledging and accepting the problem, now take a trip to see your GP! 

Good luck!

Crystal

[Gloria]

Thanks for the replies. I know I need to do something and this is the first step. It does help to know others have felt this way too. It does all feel overwhelming but I really know this will not just go away. It has been a slow build and after some stressful events - I have slipped into a way of thinking and coping that gets me through the day ( really I am the master of appearing OK)  but ultimately this approach makes me feel more disconnected than ever. I can hardly remember the person I once was ... and to me that is the saddest part of all of this. The logical part of me can see how irrational this all sounds. I really don't understand why I feel embarrassed ... I fear that to admit To anyione that  I am not coping will take away my last coping strategy. Which I can see is not working that well anyway. Avoidance and denial have been a default position for a very long time

I suppose logically by posting this I have already started the process ... 

In a very small way, it is a move in the right direction.

thanks again

G

[Gloria]

Hi I am not sure exactly how these threads work but I did reply below. I just wanted to thank you for your kind response. 

[Gloria]

Thanks for this. I have already replied just hoping it goes through. Much appreciated.

[geoff]

dear Gloria, let's try again and very sorry that this happened and it shouldn't have, but it's not the first time either.

Can I just thank you for coming to the site, and the second try is never the same as the first, but here goes.

I feel as though you must have felt extremely worried about what sort of responses you would get when posting, or maybe feel silly by posting any comment, but please there is no reason that you should be fearful or ashamed at any point, and I say this simply because when your partner doesn't believe what you have to say and whatever you do say anything to him, he dismisses it as baloney, so that's why I think that you may have been a bit tentative, but pleased you have.

Depression was considered to be taboo many years ago, but now it's a common topic of discussion, maybe not so much in the public fraternity who don't want to talk it, but in the profession and to others who have suffered from it themselves.

When work is not what you to do or if you are under too much pressure this then creates a large problem for you, not only at work but also at home and when you live with someone who won't support you, then it all builds up where you begin to break down and unfortunately this where you are now, I'm sorry to say.

We all make 'poor choices' and then 'achieve little' and it doesn't matter whether your 50 and boy that's young compared to me, but that's how we learn, and personally what I lost when I became depressed I always thought would never happen, but that's not important, but yes it is disappointing, and even some consoling doesn't help, but what it does is that it makes someone else understand your worry and concern.

Sorry but this isn't like my first post and I'm running out of characters.

Doctors have a large amount of patients who are dealing with depression of any type, because everytime I go into my pharmacy most scripts have AD's in them,plus my GP confirms this as well, as he and I can quiet frankly and open to each other.

They are there to help you and won't dismiss your claims of how you feel, which is totally different to what your partner says, and for no one to believe you does a lot of damage, trust and respect, which they even realise.

I have to end now, but will continue after your reply.

Thanks for coming to us. L Geoff. x

[Gloria]

Thanks for persevering. It does help to know others have felt like this. About to embark on a big project at work so I know his could be a stressful time. I am trying to reframe my thinking and stop feeling that one small mistake is a catastrophe. That constant turning issues over and over is TOTALLY exhausting ... I am sure this is happening because I have tried to "fake it" for so long. 

it is strange this crippling fear. I can rationalise but can't change the feelings.

the replies have meant a lot and this feels like a first safe step.

thanks

g