I am lost in life

[webster439]

I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like I have no place in the world and I have come to the realisation that I will probably live a life unfulfilled, without having accomplished anything, let my family down and realise my biggest fear, being alone for the rest of my life (apart from immediate family) and even then I want them to hate me so bad that if I decide to move away, they would hate me enough that after time they would have it in them to leave me behind as well so I don't bring them down as well.

I have no goals I want to achieve. nothing that I really want to pursue and I have no idea how to find out, no motivation or drive to get anything done, or finish anything. I never finished my uni degree (commerce) because I hated it and felt like it was a useless degree (which I spent a good 6 years or so doing just to fail out because of mental health) that would only get me a job in an office which I would hate doing, do poorly at and hate myself more because of it. Even when I look for jobs or try to do anything productive its like a big cloud covers my head and I put things off longer than they should because I am nervous or something. I want to find fulfilment but my shortcomings and skewed view of the world messes everything up.

My friends don't need me anymore, unlike me they have moved on with their lives, most of them with significant others or with careers they want to do and have left me behind. E.g. I visited my friends a couple of weeks ago and all it did was make me depressed at how useless I am, and that no one will ever love me like they love each other and that finding comfort and love with another person is something that I am just not meant for and this hurts really deep.

I have a terrible self image because I have let myself lapse into my poorest stat of fitness of my entire life and I know I should change and do something but whats the point really, getting healthy won't fix any of my other problems that I have. I will still be the ugly, balding, boring, unfunny, untalented person with poor conversational skills I always have been. Also because I know I need a job, and I have tried sort of, with minimal effort without any reward for months now and I havn't got one, and I only started a TAFE course which I have just stopped doing because I dont like that either and cant be bothered putting any effort in and now my AUSTUDY has stopped and I dont know what to do again.

I see no path for me that will see life happiness

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi webster439,

Welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. It sounds like it's been really hard for you and I'm sorry that you're feeling so low. I see that you're finding it hard to make things work since you lost motivation for your course and struggled with your mental health. I also see that your friends have gone and done their own things and maybe this has left you feeling a bit lonely.

What I don't see though is why your life has to be unfulfilled, and why you're not meant for love and why you'll always be ugly, boring and unfunny.

I think that maybe you're a bit stuck. These negative thoughts have swarmed over you so that instead of trying to see change and momentum you're now seeing a bleak future. I get it - I do. But I also know that you're here. and when people come here and post it means that maybe there's a part of them that's not happy with where they are and having an unfulfilled life is just not good enough. That maybe we deserve more than just 'getting by'.

So what does having a fulfilled life look to you? How can we help you get the help and support that you need? Have you talked to your GP about this? I encourage you to reach out. You don't see a path right now that will see life happiness, so maybe you have to go create your own path.

[webster439]

Firstly its not just hard because of motivation for the course it is motivation to do anything productive in general because everything I see sounds like it would be a prison to do or they just want an unfair amount of experience.

This is the fourth group of friends who have outgrown me (these are the hardest ones to see go on without me). Even then when we all lived at college it was fine but outside I am still the person that gets left out of small events or gatherings, seeing pictures up online of them having fun without me without ever receiving an invite. I will always be that friend on the fringe that has to do extra hard to be involved in anything.

It doesn't have to be unfulfilled, its just that I have almost literally nothing to offer anyone or anything to make myself be an active/healthy and contributing member of any society and because of how I am, and why would anyone in their right mind want anything to do with this. No redeeming qualities that attract friends, or work.

A fulfilled life would mean having a career (doesn't even have to earn much) that will support me whether it is to pay rent, buy food and other things with some savings, a career that I wouldn't hate myself for doing day in and day out. Having friends to hang out with where you do many thins together and you don't get bored talking or being around each other. A girlfriend or a girl that is a friend might be nice. I would like it for it not to be a chore or feel like a charity case for others to be around me without feeling any pity or disappointment.

I am not particularly into anything deeply, I am "in" sort of to many things, a passing knowledge and interest in lots of things without having the passion to go full in

I have had a few sessions at the ANU health clinic but that is non official diagnosis, where I talked to someone a few times, but that was at the end of last year.

As for help now, I don't know what can be done, most of it is inbuilt.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi wesbter439,

Thanks for posting back. The way that you talk about yourself sounds incredibly negative to me; you said that "you have literally nothing to offer anyone or anything". I refuse to believe that. I think that everyone is capable of feeling more and being more. I think that the negativity (or depression) has consumed you so that maybe you lack to see what others can see in you. Or maybe what others can see the potential in you.

I know from my own experiences I have been in a bad place; struggling to see if there was even a way out, if life would ever feel better or if I was only just coping. I felt worthless and a waste of space. I actually felt that life would be better if I was not here - that my whole existence was just an inconvenience really. The only way that this could really change for me was helping me to see that my thoughts and mindset were consuming me. Thoughts are not facts. I wish that I could help you see this.

Can you share what sort of support you have around you? You mentioned the ANU clinic - did you consider going back? I really strongly encourage you to see your GP.

[Hope_and_Love]

Hi Webster439

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Now to business.

I see your perspective of life and I can absolutely relate. It was not so long ago I was in the state you are in (three years nine months), but I have learnt from my experience in a certain medical facility that I have a functioning brain and the ONLY thing that is stopping me from achieving what I want, was MYSELF. I understand that you lack motivation in your life, but the secret it. No one feels like doing anything in the first place. I certainly did not! I have been in university for six years. I still don't have my degree! I am not giving up yet because, "When you're ready to quit, that's when miracle happens". I've always known this quote, however it wasn't until recently that, I was in a university competition about three weeks ago I finally got the meaning! It was a two day competition and after the first day, I had no team. I was tired, I was annoyed, I was emotional. On the final day, when I woke up I wanted to quit, because I was scared. I decided to get up, get dressed and face the unknown. I ended up coming 2nd and won $250 and will be cooperating with two other students to implement a future unit at this university.

Can I tell you something? I have been alone since I was six, I am twenty four. My life was not the way I planned it at all. I am in fact still, alone. That doesn't mean anything to me anymore because you know why? I love myself for who I am. I am not the most handsome person in the world, I am not the fittest person in the gym, I may not be the smartest person in the room, BUT why do I need to? Everyone would love to have all those attributes, but the fact is, you can work on all of them!

The first thing you can do was suggested by romantic_thi3f, go see your gp and tell them what is going on.

Life doesn't get better unless YOU want it to. There is no magical divine motivation that can or will help you to do anything. I learnt that the hard way. You don't need to be love by anyone other than yourself. Stop thinking about what other people think, because that won't get you any where you want. It's all about you Webster439. You, yourself have the power to do anything. When you are not well, you won't have that power. So I agree with romantic_thi3f that you go to your gp first.

You're already took the first step. Accepting you need help, heres the second step. Go get help.

Kind regards,

Hope & Love

three years nine months

[olderandwiser]

Hi Webster439

Thankyou for explaining so clearly how you have been feeling and how you see yourself at the moment. I can certainly relate to your current situation as I too experience the same feelings of self loathing, loneliness and disappointment. I've often been told that I am too hard on myself and afraid of failure so much so that I let that stop me from doing things that will help me.And sometimes it does.

Lately, as simple as it sounds, with the finer weather I have been simply making myself get out of the house at some point in the day, and even in the rain, and going for a long walk... after a couple of weeks of this, a little at a time and not even every day, my mood at least has begun to improve which has given me a little more energy to reach out for help...e.g joining this forum, looking at psychologists in my area and making initial contact, admitting where i need to attempt to fix up some things and remembering that this "weather" in my mind is not my fault, it's just the way it is and can improve.Some days are worse than others, but better days can come.

It is not your fault, it just is. There will come a moment every so often where you find a little energy to take a little helpful step forwards, then another and another. Sometimes we go backwards, but just try again. I really send you lots of hope from me and a suggetion too if you have a computer with internet access to check out the mindspot website...it is a fantastic resource with a brilliant program that you can try.

All the best