how to move forward?

[Pelayn]

Hi

Over the last three months i have been doing therapy for the first time for depression. Its been a roller coaster of emotions. My husband has been a great support.

I hit bottom, couldn't go to work and thought id lost my best friend cos of the way I treated her. After her yelling at me down the phone we reconciled.

I've been doing much better the past few days but i still feel like I'm relying on others too much. I get disappointed when friends don't return messages or doesn't initiate contact with me. I am lonely when I'm by myself. I also get jealous when my best friend does things with her other friends. I really really can't go through a repeat of last month.

I want to be happy with my own company and not feel like I'm waiting for people to make contact all the time.

Can anyone share and experiences? ?

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

It's OK and can you feel the hug I am sending. We are hear to listen to you and help wherever we can. Try not to be too down on yourself. This rotten stuff happens and I get annoyed and fed up and generally ticked off. (Substitute another word for ticked). I want to scream it's not fair, but it's not really helpful to do, and besides, who said life was fair.

Yes you do need to mother yourself. It took me ages to work out how to soothe my frightened and angry little girl who also wanted a hug and to be told it's OK. Not always successful but this how it goes. Imagine you are a child who has fallen over and skinned her knee. It's the biggest tragedy as you know. What do you do? You pick her up cuddle her and look at the knee and kiss it better. Then you clean the knee with more kisses and reassurance.

That's what you need to do for yourself. Look at your hurt or fear de jour (of the day), and tell yourself it's going to be OK. Think how you would feel if you were being cuddled, give yourself some reassurance and talk to yourself as if you are your mom. I know it's not your mom, but you are comforting yourself and that's what counts.

If you can make the effort to meet your friends you will feel better. I know from experience that making one, probably huge, effort the day brightens and this can have a knock-on effect for the week. Julie, I would love to sit beside you on your couch and give you a hug. I can tell you it will be alright because you are strong and loving and can do the hard things. Not easy I know but you will get well again.

You made all your arrangements in great excitement and looked forward to having a happy time. I think you spent so much energy on this that now the reality of it happening feels like a kind of anticlimax.Perhaps take today off to recuperate but do get back to your arrangements.

Talking about yourself often feels bad in some ways but you need a group of people around you who will support you and be there at the times you are in trouble. Being able to let it all out for an airing really does help. I wrote about your friend in your other thread.

MAry

[Pelayn]

Thanks Mary. Thats just what i needed to hear. Hugs received.

You really do understand and everything you said is so very accurate.

I will use today to regroup and not put too much pressure on myself.

Thanks

Julie 🌹

[Doolhof]

Hi Julie, Mary and everyone reading this,

Feelings of abandonment, neglect, desertion and non-importance can be soul destroying at times can't they.

Last Friday I had an operation for my sinus and nose. I had thought some of the people from my Church and a volunteer group I attend weekly might have called to see how I am, but none of them have. I know that the volunteer group write out cards for everyone else who has been ill or in hospital so it hurts to not be on the receiving end.

I used to have a dear friend whom I have known for decades. That relationship is diminishing. I only hear from that person now if they want to stay at our place when they come in from interstate.

I sent them an email about my operation but have heard nothing. Even a "Hope it goes well" would have been nice.

My husband is doing the best he can to look after me in his own fashion. Even if it is just a bit of hot chicken in a bowl for lunch. Ha. Ha.

So I am trying to look after myself as well. I'm making my days as pleasant as possible. Resting. Snoozing when I need to and trying to think positive thoughts.

I'm making plans for when I am feeling better and trying to convince myself that I can rearrange and re organise my days so they are more beneficial to me, more enjoyable, more worthy, with more sense of satisfaction instead of the same old routines.

Mary, I agree with you, emails can be wonderful or totally devastating! Ha. Ha.

Dear ladies and all reading, I wish you all the best today with what ever demons you are fighting!

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

[White_Rose]

Hello Mrs Dools

How did the surgery go? I hope you are feeling much better by now. Sorry I did not reply earlier. Life does have a habit of getting in the way.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi Mrs Dools.

I wish you a speed recovery. It sounds like you are doing a great job at looking after yourself. Here's to pleasant days and positive thoughts.

"Feelings of abandonment, neglect, desertion and non-importance can be soul destroying at times can't they."

You couldn't be more right. I waste so much time trying to figure out what people are thinking when they do those things. Something i need to work on.

Im learning that time is the only real cure for me at the moment. Employing different strategies to help while waiting for time to pass. Crying when i need to cry. Sleeping when i feel like sleeping. Seeing friends. Playing the piano......etc

I'm finally starting to feel better after my last 'bump' in the road.

Feel better soon Mrs Dools

Julie

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

So pleased you are starting to feel better. It's a trite comment but true, time is a great healer. I rush off and engage in so many things when all I really need is to sit and wait. Such an impatient person. This is my next lesson I think. Stop getting ahead of myself.

Had a great lunch with my second daughter and and eldest granddaughter, to celebrate granddaughter's 21st birthday. It's these little things that are important and matter most at the end of the day. Keep getting better.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Mary, Julie and Everyone,

I've had a mixed week since the operation. I have been grappling with various thoughts and emotions. You see, while in recovery in the hospital I stopped breathing and had to be revived. Part of me has been thinking it would have been so much better to have just died and gone to heaven.

I would have been with my 5 babies then.

But I am here. No one from Church has phoned to see how I am nor from the volunteer group I attend every week. So I have been feeling sorry for myself! Like no one loves me or cares for me.

My mind conveniently forgets that my husband who usually ignores my needs has been looking after me this week, a girlfriend has called nearly every second day to make sure I am okay and an interstate friend has been sending emails and a beautiful card.

My Mum has sent some lovely emails as well and both my sisters have called me.

I need to train my mind to concentrate more on the good things and not the negative!

Tomorrow I am make the effort to attend Church, to go and talk to the people whom I had hoped might have called. Maybe they forgot I was going to hospital. Maybe they just assumed I would be okay. Maybe...

Anaesthetic usually messes me around, but this time it was quite a trip. I had three breathing episodes and panic attacks while in hospital and stayed an extra day for observation.

I had no idea my body had that much energy! My limbs were shaking all about the place. It was quite funny really. I had 4 people trying to hold me down while the Dr administered drugs and a nurse tried to put the oxygen mask on.

After one of the episodes, I thanked them all for coming for the show. Ha. Ha.

I did feel a little sorry for the teenager in the next bed who was about to go in for her first ever operation! I asked the nurse to make sure she was okay. I didn't want her to be too freaked out and think the same thing could happen to her.

I'm waffling! Wishing you all a good day where you have the determination and courage to do what you want to do and need to do.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

[Pelayn]

Oops. Think I hit post.

Anyway i was saying i realise my issues are small scale but are real to me and im comfortable with that.

I was feeling a lot better till my friend decided to call and msg me the exact thing we discussed last week. She is uncomfortable and needs to step away. So i fell down again! We talked again and i asked if there was anything else going on in her life. There wasn't. She said she was feeling uncomfortable for a few months but couldn't tell me. That explains her not calling or visiting. So my paranoia of her pulling away was correct. The hardest thing was she did not say sorry once or acknowledge the pain it had caused me. I question her ability to relate to anyone emotionally. She had the nerve to say hopefully we can still talk at group functions and in future go back to the friendship we had. It shows so little understanding of the situation and my feelings. She is a social worker.

So while on the call to her last night i drank a bottle of wine and don't remember much of the conversation. Not my finest moment. I'm using wine as a coping mechanism. I did have a medication increase on tuesday.

I feel like i am a burden on my husband my work the people i have spoken to about it and im letting my kids down. Surely they are better off without me in their lives??

I don't feel pain like i used to as the medication has dulled that. I felt like I would have done anything to escape the pain. I spoke to my gp about it and she increased my medication.

That's it for now.

[Pelayn]

Sorry Mrs Dools. I started by saying you situation sounds just awful and i can't imagine how you must be feeling. Send love your way.

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

Oh dear, your friend sounds as though she has little empathy, and also a feeling of guilt about your interactions. I often think I know what is happening in a relationship and get told I am imagining things, until 'it' happens. I suggest you stop replying to her, either by text or phone. Do you have caller ID on your phone? If so just don't answer. It's all very well for her to want to use you to dispel her guilt, but you cannot go on being upset in this fashion. No matter what her reasoning, once she has moved away she cannot expect to go on rehashing the whole thing.

There is no relationship between your problems and those of others. The things that upset and distress you are just that, the things that upset you. There is no better or worse than for anyone else. Problems have no intrinsic value about their difficulty. It's not like saying you take a larger or smaller size shoe. And no one gets upset because you have a larger or smaller foot. Whatever problems you have to cope with are the most important in your life and it makes no difference to anyone else how small or large they are. And there is no need to compare yourself to others.

No one will be better off without you in their lives. I know how hard it is to keep going when everything in your body is screaming to stop. Your ex-friend has intruded again but you recovered before so you will again. Put a plan in place to deal with any more attempts at contact. She can sort her own life out and it's not your responsibility.

Please stay away from the wine. I know you can manage without it. I tried to drink a bottle of wine on my own once. I think it took all day and I felt terrible the next day. I just cannot tolerate more than one glass and my children consider me a joke when it comes to alcohol. I just go to sleep. Obviously I haven't got the right gene to metabolise alcohol.

I'm sure you have explained your pain in an earlier post but if I go back a page I will lose this post and it's taken too much time to write, plus I will have forgotten much of it. So are you talking about physical or emotional pain? I think emotional pain is more difficult to cope with. Keep talking to us.

Mary