how to move forward?

[Pelayn]

Hi

Over the last three months i have been doing therapy for the first time for depression. Its been a roller coaster of emotions. My husband has been a great support.

I hit bottom, couldn't go to work and thought id lost my best friend cos of the way I treated her. After her yelling at me down the phone we reconciled.

I've been doing much better the past few days but i still feel like I'm relying on others too much. I get disappointed when friends don't return messages or doesn't initiate contact with me. I am lonely when I'm by myself. I also get jealous when my best friend does things with her other friends. I really really can't go through a repeat of last month.

I want to be happy with my own company and not feel like I'm waiting for people to make contact all the time.

Can anyone share and experiences? ?

[Doolhof]

Hi Julie,

Relationships can be so difficult at times can't they. Mary has offered you some advice which sounds good to me.

People can be in our lives harmoniously for a long time or maybe even for a very short period of time. The thing for me is to accept when a friendship is over for what ever reason.

Recently we caught up with friends whom we had not seen nor heard from for years. When we suggested catching up again, they said doing so once or twice a year would be good enough for them. At least we knew where we stood with them.

Like Mary mentioned, alcohol and antidepressant medication don't go together well at all. Hopefully you will be able to find other ways to comfort yourself rather than with alcohol. Enjoy a glass of wine with your meal if so desired, but just hitting the bottle to block out life is not a good idea.

I do so hope you have managed a few pleasant moments over the weekend.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Pelayn]

Thank you both.

It is emotional pain i feel. Im not physically able to do anything i enjoy when im feeling that way. Wine is the only thing i have to dull the pain. I am trying to stop with my husband's help. It's usually just a glass or 2 in the evening but if something happens to upset me i reach for the bottle.

Im looking at getting some general counseling in between my therapy. We spoke to the mental health unit today and they suggested getting support from someone who isn't a friend. I find this forum helpful so taking it that extra step will hopefully help. More to get support with day to day coping ie. Work, friends, kids.

I decided to tell the ladies in my mothers group, via msg, that i couldn't be a part of the group anyone. I didn't say why but there is no way i could face seeing my ex-friend, who is part of that group also. As much as i want to yell and scream about how she hurt me i said nothing. We were all slowly drifting apart anyway. None of our kids go to school together.

So the next few days will be tough but then I can get on with getting well and hopefully leave all this behind me.

I'm having lunch with work friends tomorrow so hopefully that will pick me up a little. 😔

I Hopeyou have a lovely week.

Julie

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

A quick message as I need to go out in five minutes. Have you read the thread under Staying Well/Battling the booze/Kazzl. You may find this helpful. Karen has had her battles with alcohol also the other folk posting there. You may it helpful and get support.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Julie,

Without going back over everything that has been written here, have you ever used the phone help line here at Beyond Blue or the Life Line number?

There have been occasions where I have used both numbers, sometimes one after the other! The people who answer the phone are able to listen and help you in so many ways.

Some days I have made these phone calls in-between clients at work, and being able to talk to someone objectively has helped me cope immensely and to be able to get on with the rest of my day.

It is also wonderful that being involved with the site here is helping you.

I'm wondering if you have had a look at or joined in with any of the threads in the Social Zone section?

When I am having a mediocre kind of day, I will pop in to some of the more social threads, have a read, and say goodaye if I feel like it.

The BB Café is a friendly place to stop by for some cyber friendship and light banter.

Hope your lunch with friends goes well. I am catching up with a girlfriend for coffee and cake tomorrow. It has only taken me about a month to organise this!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Pelayn]

Thank you both for the tips. No i haven't called the BB line or any other helpline. I will consider this in future.

I'm still finding my way with whats available and how to approach things. It's been 4 months since all of this started for me. A very short time really although it feels like eternity. ​

A little note on the relationship with my friend. I have come to realise i was continuing this relationship even though i think i knew it was never going to offer me the emotional support i was after. I kept the friendship going as long as i could which is exactly what people with schemas do, stay in relationships that support their schema. Mine is emotional depravation and the relationship was depriving me emotionally. My therapist likened it to the relationship with my mother last week when i told her it had come to an end. My therapist asked me what I'd learnt but i didn't know. I think i may have worked it out!

I hope this means i can move on now.

Julie

[Doolhof]

Hi Julie,

It takes me a while to learn lessons sometimes and to understand what is happening in friendships and relationships.

Today I met up with a casual friend in a café. That worked really well as we were in neutral territory so to speak. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable in another person's home. We had a wonderful chat for a couple of hours, then both went our own separate ways.

Going back tot he phone help lines, when I first used them I felt really awkward and didn't know what to say. The person on the other end of the line was very helpful. It has helped me a few times to just off load before I hit a crisis point.

If you do consider this to be an option one day, if you do feel uncomfortable talking the first time, that is okay. You could just say so and try again another day.

Hope this helps!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Pelayn]

Hi all.

So my ex-friend has struck again.

After our call on friday i sent her an email saying i understand it being hard for her but I don't understand her not saying sorry for the way things worked out and my husband is doing everything he can to help me.​

She sent a long email last night telling me all the things i did or said that upset her. My husband read the email and can see very clearly she really doesn't understand mental illness and is trying to rationalize everything.

I used to make sure when we spoke she had the full picture about my past and the therapy so she could understand my situation. Clearly she didn't.

Her email didn't upset me as it's the third time I've heard this from her.

I'm feeling really sad about how i hurt her and none of it was deliberate. But she didn't give me any credit for the past 6 years or the fact I'm not well and receiving treatment. All i wanted was a 'sorry i can't be there for you anymore' and i can't make her understand that.

Now i don't know where to. I called BB yesterday but due to the complexity of the issues it didn't help. My husband has been home all week and I've asked for a priority session with my psych.

I don't feel like I can have friends in case it happens again. I don't feel like i deserve to be happy if i can hurt other people like i did. On the other hand i did the best i could to try and protect the friendship considering what i was going through. There was no manual to tell me what to do. She welcomed me in at the start. I can't control how she handled things.

I don't want to continue the friendship at all as i felt all along it lacked emotion. So why do i feel so bad?

[Pelayn]

Sorry, me again. Its now been 3 days on the couch.

I am really struggling to move forward knowing my friend doesn't understand my situation and thinks im a bad person (as stated in her email) and that she won't accept any apology from me. why won't she forgive me? The last three contacts from her were all about her feelings and how she felt crowded and uncomfortable. I am a person. I too have feelings.

What do i do with all of these unresolved feelings? I feel like she got to say her piece 3 times but i didn't get to say anything.

My husband intervened last night and made sure there would be no further contact from either side.

I'm still waiting on an appt with my therapist......

[White_Rose]

Dear Julie

Your ex-friend may not have any idea about depression but she certainly knows how to manipulate you, intentionally or not. You don't need her forgiveness. She will find as she continues to stew over the those things she feels hurt her that the only person she is hurting is herself. No matter how many nasty emails she sends, they will not stop her feeling bad and in fact will only increase her hurting. So well done your husband for taking steps to stop her contacting you. And well done stopping you continuing to maintain contact.

Begging her to forgive you is impractical as I believe she never will say this to you. She is too wrapped up in her own misery and this was not caused by you. You had a big discussion a few weeks ago and agreed on the terms of your friendship. She changed the rules, not you. I really believe you must sadly write her out of your life. I agree it will be very painful. Here's my list of what you have learned.

1. There are other friends out there for you and you have learned some valuable tips.
2. Don't rely on one friend only, have a circle of friends who can support you in times of trouble.
3. Give freely to each one and stop when you have reached your limit.
4. Recognise that you may give more than you receive but still do it because it blesses you.
5. The biggest lesson is to forgive yourself.​
6. We all hurt each other at times, usually unintentionally. That does not make us bad people, especially when we recognise the hurt and put it right. This is not always possible.
7. Some people do not understand mental illness or are frightened by it. That is also not your fault.
8. I promise this is the last one. You are not responsible for the actions, understanding and feelings of others. They must travel their own road and if it lines up with yours for a little way that's great.

Now Julie, she said putting on her grandma cap, let this one go. You have done all you can and fretting will not make you well or change the situation. You are worthy of friendship. I wish I lived next door so that I could be your friend. Remember this is mostly the black dog barking at you and trying to distract you from getting well again. Teach him to walk at heel and speak when spoken to.

I know it will take a little while for you to get over your disappointment and pain, but it will go away and you can remember the good times you had together. When that happens you will have forgiven yourself which the hardest part.

Take care of yourself my friend.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Thank you very much Mary. You are a wonderful support.