Long time sufferer

[Cassar]

Hi first time on line have been seeing psychologist for a couple of sessions.Guess it is a start i hope this talking thing does help. I was brought up to not cry and not show your emotions. I am now 54 year old female,that simply woke up one day ceeling broken. My way to describe it being fractured and needing to be fixed.I am not who i always was i feel i am drifting so far down a shitty slope if i get a cold or something minor wrong in my life Nothing matters anymore and feel Take that last step if this is all my life is now.And then the fight to live begins again.But then something minor triggers it of again and i get tired of trying to hang on to life.It would be one last sad thing for my family then they could get on with there lives and i would not have to fight this battle that keep,s lingering around the corner.Deppression ad the constant shakes with shot nerve,s is relentless. SO TIRED.But i am still fighting it Can someone reasure me therapy and talking fixes this because i can not see how reliving stuff and opening up all built up things helps not makes worse thank,s for listening in advance..

[geoff]

hello Cassar, years and years ago people were told not to show any reaction or emotion, especially by crying, thankfully those days are over, because I couldn't even mention how many times I have cried, even in front of people and I'm 61, I have no disgrace in showing my emotions, nor should you.
When you talk with your psychologist, there are going to be many times when you want to cry, but for some reason you feel as though you should hold back, don't, cry as much as you want to, simply because that's exactly how you are feeling, and never be afraid to show your emotions.
You have to realise that once you start counselling, there will be days when you feel terrible and then days which are good, so it's these good days that bounce around which is eventually going to make you feel better and overcome your depression, because if these aren't happening then your therapy isn't working.
Unfortunately if you did something to yourself, then it won't make your family feeling any better, it is most likely to go the opposite way where they will suffer for a long time, wondering they couldn't have done anything to help you, so guilt will overcome them.
The idea of talking with a psychologist is that they are literally 'holding your hand' while you recall what's happened to you, that's what should happen, sometimes it's not, but they walk you through the problems you have told them, and hopefully find out coping measures.
This has to happen so they can direct you onto another path, which don't include any trigger points that once brought you down before. Geoff.

[Cassar]

Hi geof thank,s alot for your imput.I just could not get my head around the idea that reliving things and bringing up past things could stop my head from racing around . You would think it would make things worse, just need insurance from another sufferer that seeing someone is a good thing. Find the sessions very overwhelming , but i will give it a go and hope for the best.At least i no i need to do something. Much appreciated thank,s again. I think having people to share with and hopefully i can help others to would make me feel good to.☺

[Cassar]

Just cheking in having a shit day. SO dang tired sit around doing nothing flipping anxiety whating for a mechanic to come to our house internal shakes never go away but someone coming makes it worse.I used to be full of beans played sports raised children ran a house with extra children clming and going did all the sports with kids,now warn out emotiona tired tired tired.Loved gardenkng and making things with music going now tv on and sit on butt.

[geoff]

hi Cassar, having someone come to your house, someone you might not know, can be very unpleasant, which means it increases your anxiety, and bringing up past experiences can be very difficult, because these may not have been what you have learned to cope with, maybe you could be like myself, there were several problems that I could never solve, not even with the help of a psychologist, so if I hung onto them, then my depression would still be controlling me.
I didn't accept any of them, and each time I thought about them, then bang my depression would return, so I decided to box them up, figuratively speaking and seal the box, knowing that they had to go, but they have to be done one by one. Geoff

[Cassar]

Hi feel im not going to check in as much as i wish i could but i was raised to not show any kjnd of emotion .That was not normal in our house,and k realize now the issues i am left with mum had had cancer for 5 yrs and lived near my brother who used her and dad up but the sun still shined out his butt My mother and k were always classed as the closest and most similiar .But she liked my tuff exterior and the fact that i understood life more then my sister or brother. Brother was way spoiled and dotted on which screwed up my older sister. Me kn the other hand excepted it and it didn,t vase me ,what did looking back on it was they didn,t really no me. She died with my sister and brother there She had been gorndess for day,s prior but i wasn,t informed until she was dying ,if i had i would have been there ,so no i get aphone call telling me she is dying and i won,t get there in time .So i talk to her on phone only for her to say your brothers here,and then the phone takin from her.My dad was ashell of a man when i got there 6hrs later he had been treated like shit by both of them while in the same home as mum but put in the men,s ward and not aloud by mum to see him....My family is so messed up .And k have found selfish and unkind so not me packed dad up brought all the way home with me he tk was on deaths door ...He came good and lasted 10mths .H e so didn,t no us as he said so many times i bathed him i cut his hair i held him,he couldn,t believe what he had missed out on and was so grateful .For what this was so natural for us i told him you brought me in to this world i would do anything for you. So many lost years we all could of had if they let us in.Now there gone i still cannot forgive or forget have had no communication with siblings im still to angry Cannot go to cemetry such along distancecould not cope even getting there.And i still just can,t go i am not ready 2 yrs later I don,t see an end to this tunnel there has been a hell of a lot go wrong since a little child and my head spins with shit now so many things i should not of seen or been dealt really messed up stuff and zs i say i feel fractured tired and ovdr life alot i think if this is it that this is the rest of my life then i quit i can,t fight no more but lucky i do and i just hope i can keep fighting each time i get so low. Soory for long raint but feelin low needed to unload a bit hoping it will help

[Cassar]

Just checking in again. Today got up tired and straight into rush mode not by my choice by the time i came home felt like i was still on an out of control spinning wheel .Even though it is 2 hrs later im still wound to the max and way tired .Small things stress me then i am stuck in that mood then being tense makes you more tired,but then you don,t want to take a nap because your head won,t stop even while sleeping Meds ,phcycoligst, and head and day to day living it is a struggle, but i keep pushing hope to break this ycle one day. Some days a very black nothing matters,just find something to get through.No it,s a moment a day a bad few days .... But not always......

[Cassar]

Having a bad day migraine and extremly emotional can not stop the crying -2 outside so stuck inside on own feeling totally crap crying for no dam reason just can not stop so hard to deal with when your on your own .No it will pass but my head feels like it is going to explode migraine is one thing but racing thoughts as well is not easy to cope with.