How do i deal with it?

[Peachy1]

Hi,
i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, when we first met things were fantastic.  he was such a lovely man and he still is to this day, however, things have been different for quite some time.

with the loss of a loved one a few years before he met me, he still struggles to move on. he doesnt talk about it but he is depressed i think and no matter how much he says he wants help he is procrastinating. I have given so much to our relationship and have loved doing it, but it is getting really draining for me. i want to have the best life i can and i want him to be in it with me but he doesnt do anything really, he sits at home, doesnt work, plays games all day, i come home from work and do everything. i try to talk to him and get him motivated but he is so defensive and feel like im getting nowhere! what can i do?
the other thing that is affected is our sex life, we used to be really intimate all the time and now its like an effort for him or a 'chore' - he says he loves me and i believe he does but its just not the same. he looks at porn all the time i know it he tries to deny it. he doesnt understand that if we had a healthy sex life i wouldnt care if he did that (i might care but not as much) but he cant do that and then not be intimate. im at my witts end.. i love him but i want him to grow up and get through things and be a man he complains all the time.. well he needs to fix himself?

thanks

[Mark_098]

Hey Peachy1,

 I'm glad to hear that the first appointment went well with your partner that's great!  Sorry I haven't posted you back earlier, I've been busy with study and canvassing for work.

Yeah my appointment didn't go all that well.  My psychologist didn't actually ask me anything, just listened to me make general conversation, and then repeat his opinion around 3-4 times for the whole appointment.  Felt a bit like a stall tactic to me... 

It's hard to find one that genuinely cares about the patient more than the payment...

(sorry to any professionals who read this, and who do care, this ISN'T for you)

I did take solace from the fact that it gave me more strength to continue and not give up my quest.  I did see someone else a couple of years back (Truth is I wasn't ready to commit at this point) and she was really good.  I probably would've seen her again but I was too self aware (embarrassed) to bite the bullet and re establish my appointments with her after having to cancel a few due to work commitments.  Silly I know, but it's amazing what a little denial too can do haha.

I'm really happy for you both and hope his psychologist is living up to his hopes.

Are you both traveling better now since his first appointment?  🙂 

P.s it's great to see that you and David have sorted things out now.

humble pie could taste nicer, but the lady who makes em doesn't charge enough...  bugga 🙂  I should know, I've eaten enough myself.

Mark 

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Facetious,

Let me tag this ex of Facetiousness in:

One of the Western Syd Bishops is petitioning the Pope for a huge emphasis on child abuse (sexual).   His main awareness projects are his books, the latest being titled "For Christ's Sake".  Total irradication of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church ?  Will writing a book really be the best weapon ?

In terms of the media I can't help thinking this good willed Bishop would be better off enrolling on The Block or The Voice and disseminating his ethos as the show progresses.  And, as a last resort, team up with his local Catholic Primary School and get involved in a kids Channel 10 Weather Report.

Maybe we only become facetious when we think we've tried everything.  Even the Too Hard Basket is but a receptacle for Facetiousnessity.

Adios, David.

PS  Bit of wordplay but, hey, thinking and mindsets are pretty much the domain of treatment for the mentally ill.  Positive imagery.  Yoga. Goal setting, etc.   

[S_A_D_]

For some reason the moderators decided to crop my last response from  8 paragraphs down to 2. It included a reference to the definition of facetious by vocabulary dot com and a detailed response to your 2 examples of the 18 year old and the medicare card. Unfortunately I didn't make a copy. What they decided to allow was my beautiful punchline, and ended up being a fuse with no bang. Do they have something against posting web addresses, even to dictionaries? 

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Mark,

Hands off, that' my humble pie.

Adios, David.

[Ruth_M]

Hi Facetious,

Our apologies if any editing has altered the integrity of your message too much. Our guidelines don't allow us to upload links to other websites, blogs etc, which is why this may have been removed. Other common reasons for editing includes where particular products (e.g., medications), organisations, people etc are named, due to advertising and privacy issues. Sometimes wording may be altered where there is specific or graphic reference to methods of self harm, or where opinions may become overly political or inflammatory. We're working to outline these more clearly in the terms of use for all users. We hope this clarifies things a bit.

Best wishes

beyondblue moderation team 

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Mod B,

I honestly saw your post come up and thought "The mods think Facetious & co should start their own thread and let Peachy1's "How do i deal with it ?" remain true to it's original post".

But it was the old blurb on guidelines.   Anyway, maybe getting into definitions and justifying content isn't actually that far from diagnosis or the prospect of selecting the right treatment.  Mental Health being one of continual analysis and thinking.

I believe the Forum Feedback post by achompy called "Why so SLOW ?" regarding the speed of moderating has the unanswered question "How many moderators are there on the site ?".  So, just to clarity, all on the site at the present moment -  Hands up if you are a moderator.  There, that clarifies things.  As the mods are fond of saying - a bit.  

Always thought a more user friendly statement would be "We hope this clarifies things a byte" but you'd have to be Scottish to do this punch line any justice and might need to calm down afterwards with a bowl of muesli from Hugh, Community Advisor and now Moderator.  Good Luck getting the milk off the Moderators' Cat.  Just saying.

Adios, David.

PS  Dear Facetious, catch you on another thread.   As you have some sense of humour might I suggest that "a fuse with no bang" is a worrysome condition ?

[S_A_D_]

Hello Moderator B,

Users of forums like this have little positive motivation to read pages of guidelines, and much less chance of remembering it all. For legal purposes I predict that you are expected and required to provide these guidelines in full and easily accessible. I do not contest this requirement, and I commend you on providing it so effectively. I also do not contest the content of the guidelines, and in fact fully approve.

What I need your organisation executives to understand is that this forum is used by people with mental and psychological impairments, and this means that users are not going to bother reading guidelines written in legal jargon.

Please ask your superiors to develop a set of simple rules that do not perfectly reflect the requirements set in the guidelines, nor attempts to justify the reasons for each rule. With simple language limited to 5 words per rule, that anyone over 5 years old can comprehend, to a max of 10 rules, included in each of these posts that moderators respond with, we would learn what not to do far more effectively. 

Finally, each user provides an email address at sign up. As a courtesy, please send back to the sender all rejected posts so the sender can edit out the inappropriate elements and try again.

[S_A_D_]

A fuse with no bang (big bark, no bite) is much better than a bang with no fuse (contact trigger). Still, I try to give both a wide berth.   

We haven't heard from Peachy since June 13. If she's not coming back there's no reason why we can't take over the thread.  

 I want to start a new thread but don't know how. Help anyone? 

[Ruth_M]

Hi Facetious,

You make some great points, and we will definitely take them on board as the site, guidelines and moderation processes continue to be tweaked. Thanks again for your feedback. Best wishes

beyondblue moderation team

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Facetious & Mod B,

We are all caught.     Most responders are very hard on themselves, including the Mods, due to the need to try and control a little bit of their lives.  And then we, and I'm definately guilty and there are obvious undertones in Facetious's 16/6 response, seek to control everything else.  It's just part of mental illness.

On a rough count back over 2 years there have been about 5 requests to simplify the rules and a couple of hundred, as Facetious puts it, in the vain of "What I need your organisation executives to understand is that this forum is used by people with mental and psychological impairments".   

I don't think you can resolve it.  How often does an executive of any situation have personal experience of mental health issues ?  How often does, say - and I'm making this up purely as an ex -  the 'Board of Regulations for Ethic, Moral and Fairness' ever have true insight into mental health issues ? They're just a Board.

I'm not disrespecting Facetious's comments but saying, as long term responders like Geoff and myself seem to tolerate and understand, there is more value in the running and availability of Beyondblue than in exacting judgement on a forum that is totally transparent in it's goings on, should one have time to read the rules.    The site is pro response so they have to find some middle ground.    The Moderators, in their guideline use, are desiring of any expression, edited or not.

Disallowing posts isn't a slant on anyone's situation or mental health.   I'm not sure that Beyondblue would have survived for 7 years if it had to cater for every users individual take on the way to run things.    They would never have had time to feed the Moderators Cat if this was the case.

If we give focus to negative quirks on an anonymous body we are basically thinking more of the self and less of the group.    And the huge assumption in all this is that "simple language limited to 5 words per rule" would NOT create a similar spark of justifcation and calls for Beyondblue to realise there are mentally impaired users re: "What I need your orgnisation executive to understand".   People who don't read 1,000 words of rules are never going to read 25 words of rules.

Or in layman's terms:  How long is a piece of string ?

Adios, David.

PS   Here's a joke to lighen up the topic:   "Isn't the "pinnacle of empathy" embodied in the great culturally diverse and hilarious comedy of Benny HIll ?" Dunno, just seems a heavy area to get into on a Sat morning (he writes attempting to justify his own justification.  Ha !)