Feels like the end.

m-gal · ‎09-08-2013

I don't want to be here. I dont want to exist and I don't see it getting better. My friends don't understand and I'm so mad at everything all the time that I can't stand to be around anything or anyone. The effort of just lifting my head from my feet feels like enough to kill me. The only reason I havent given up is because I can't even imagine what that would do to my family. My best friend the only person I ever thought I could live for feels a million miles away. See he used to understand, but now he has a girlfriend and now it just feels like he doesnt want anything but to run from me and enjoy his happiness. I self harm. How well I hide it makes me sick. Im so tired and I hate my family purely because I feel like it is their fault I have to live.

When really, I just dont want to.

vip · ‎10-08-2013

Hi Moj please get some help from your GP and psych to get you through this terrible depression . You havnt mentioned if you are on medication so this is important too. I attempted suicide 3 years ago and I am recovered now and I think gosh how could i have thought of doing that. It wasnt me speaking it was the depression. The self harming needs to be discussed with a professional family and friends are usually the last ones to get it please contact a councillor even on the beyond blue forum to help you out . You are totally 100% worth it keep fighting this depression and never give up

m-gal · ‎11-08-2013

Thanks for your message sen, its nice to hear that you're not completely alone.
Medication scares me sooo much so I haven't gone near it.
I don't even know what they are meant to do.

geoff · ‎12-08-2013

dear Moj, what a terrible feeling the only person who could hold you together, now has a girlfriend and left you, it's like hitting a brick wall, and it seems as long as he has her his contact with you will be minimal.

So this is very important that you make contact with a professional psych.

You must love your family and this is good because it's keeping you to still go on, and they must love you, which is probably the major point here.

Depression is such a beast it erodes all the good in us, we know how you feel, and absolutely sympathize with how you feel.

When I say that there is hope I know that you will say crap there isn't, and that's OK, I know this feeling after about 20 years of depression, and it's probably much longer, losing my marriage and much more, but now on the road to recovery, so although you feel this way and with the right help and support and then another person will join you, then all of this will make you feel better.

It's not going to be today or tomorrow, but soon, and no crap by you, please have faith in me and please keep posting on here, where you have people who understand and care for you. L Geoff. x

vip · ‎12-08-2013

Hi Moj nothing to be scared about with the medication. If your thoughts do get worse usually a gp or a psych will put you on something. This just helps to balance out the chemical imbalance in your brain. It will make you feel happier and see things more clearly. Hop on line and find out more about antidepressants if you are still unsure. But seeking professional help is very important

The_Real_David_Charles · ‎13-08-2013

Dear moj,

Sen's right on the money (as usual). I took had a suicide attempt (or three) and most of the recovery was aimed at balancing my meds and getting some counselling. When you think about it if your car needs a service you have to take it to a garage where mechanics fine tune and help you out.

Even the grass is getting out of hand you take the mower out and cut it. I really don't think therapy is any different. If nothing's happening the way you think it should and you have the balls to front up and discuss things with a GP or counsellor then you are making a positive choice.

All that self harm energy could just as well go into domestic stuff or exercise. Where do you want to be in 5 years ? No ones' gonna think ill of you if you organise some help. Go on, cut the grass not yourself. It's a better release.

Adios, David.

geoff · ‎14-08-2013

dear Moj, I had replied about medication and it's on a post by Cf. L Geoff. x

Hollie_93 · ‎14-08-2013

Dear Moj, i totally understand what you are going through. Your story really speaks to me and it feels like i am looking in a mirror. I myself hate being around people and want it all to end, and like you i wouldn't do anything due to the impact it would have on my family. What i can tell you is at the very least, know you aren't alone, others feel the way you do, and as you can see here with the other's comments, others care about you too. I just started seeing a psychiatrist, and i know it is a scary thought, but i would be a great idea to go, just so you can talk out how you are feeling - it makes you feel so much better- i'm not on medication either, and you don't have to- but being able to express yourself and talk your feelings out to a professional works wonders, i promise you.

Mick_A · ‎14-08-2013

Hey Moj,

The space you are in is just about as bad as it can get without doing the unthinkable.

I know, I've been there a few times now, at various points in my life, and the only thing that stopped me was thinking about what it would do to my children, family and true friends. You say you hate your family but you also say you can't imagine what your suicide would do to them. That means you love them, of course it does. Exactly the same as in my experience mentioned above.

You say your friends don't understand. It's a fact that the majority of people don't understand, but...there are people out there who do. We have a few types of friends in our lives, it's important to understand that, and if you can find a way to reach out then you will find someone who will understand, and what's more want to understand.

You do need to see your GP for a referral to see a professional regarding your state of mind who will no doubt suggest you try anti-depressant medication. These medications do help most people.

Always remember..if you are feeling so bad that you want to self harm then you can walk into any hospital and you will be seen by a psychiatrist within 24 hours for an assessment and you will be looked after.

Best wishes to you

Mick