How do i deal with it?

[Peachy1]

Hi,
i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, when we first met things were fantastic.  he was such a lovely man and he still is to this day, however, things have been different for quite some time.

with the loss of a loved one a few years before he met me, he still struggles to move on. he doesnt talk about it but he is depressed i think and no matter how much he says he wants help he is procrastinating. I have given so much to our relationship and have loved doing it, but it is getting really draining for me. i want to have the best life i can and i want him to be in it with me but he doesnt do anything really, he sits at home, doesnt work, plays games all day, i come home from work and do everything. i try to talk to him and get him motivated but he is so defensive and feel like im getting nowhere! what can i do?
the other thing that is affected is our sex life, we used to be really intimate all the time and now its like an effort for him or a 'chore' - he says he loves me and i believe he does but its just not the same. he looks at porn all the time i know it he tries to deny it. he doesnt understand that if we had a healthy sex life i wouldnt care if he did that (i might care but not as much) but he cant do that and then not be intimate. im at my witts end.. i love him but i want him to grow up and get through things and be a man he complains all the time.. well he needs to fix himself?

thanks

[Anicca]

Hi Peachy1,

I'm sorry to read so many of the heated responses to your thread.

My thoughts are that may be you need a separation from your partner to give both of you space and time to work out how you want things to be. The person with the depression (e.g. in my case, me) is the one who needs to make the help work for them. Having supportive people around is important but it is more important that the depressed person gets medical help and works hard (because it is hard to do and very draining) to be as well as they can be. Imagine if year after year goes by and you are then 10 years in the relationship with no change from your partner. It is not an ideal situation for either of you.

Good luck

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Hey Alison,

I agreed to take down my posts (that were a strong contrast to Peachy's opinions) but there is no "Edit" facility as there was before the site upgraded recently.

It's unusual for a thread to get this heated.    Must be Winter.

Adios, David.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Peachy,

I've asked the Forum Feedback to identify how can I edit my posts on your thread.  Before 2 weeks ago there was an additional Edit button next to the red Reply one.

The subconscious is a very strong part of our brains.     I'm just realising now that your  attitude to porn was projected onto me in a slightly troubling way with your reference to my name "popping up" [a subconscious reference to erection] and "having time on my hands" [a subconscious reference to masterbation].

Anyway, let's hope the edit feature can be restored so I can get out of your hair as the post was becoming unhelpful to both of us.   Well, I respect the moderators decision on that.     

My Aspergers diagnoses came back with 45/50.   If you get over 32 you are well and truly Aspergic so I am fully mental with this one even though I'm not sure how that will impact on my 26 yrs bipolar.  I'm guessing if I become more exacting in my responses then I'll be better off leaving BB after 2 years of solid responding.   Your thread may have been a great warning light to me that I should work out my own mental health a bit more before further use. 

But then, all mental health is personal.  There's no grey area about that.   Thanks for allowing me to respond.   I hope perspective is kinder to  you.

Adios, David.

[Mark_098]

Hey Peachy1,

I want you to know that it makes me really happy to see that you are hopefully now in it for the long haul.  Psychological counseling, in fact any counseling takes a lot of heart, and time.  The truth is that it is the communication, that I've had with you, that has made me realise I need to face up to my own shadow and commit to long term counseling.

You and your partner are by the sounds of things, just like my partner and I.  For years I had the compulsion to make awkward conversations with my partners parents (I still do sometimes, that's just the way I am and that's one thing my partner loves about me), due only to being nervous. Silly I know but we're only all human.  It made me realise that there is nothing wrong about feeling self aware and wanting things to go smoothly, and only trying to do the thing you think is best, break the ice hey?

Even though it makes me really sad to hear that the both of you met under such treacherous and extreme circumstances, you found each other...  I have always believed that love can thrive in the most amazing ways from the most common love-affair, to, for example your situation.

The first night I met my partner within a few moments I just knew that she was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I just knew.  Because of this I thought I have to take the risk and tell her about my my brother who had only passed away a year ago (to suicide).  It was a risk I needed to take because she deserved to know the truth up front.  That is how powerful love is.  I know it must sound crazy for someone to know within only a few moments that they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone. I just knew.  Yes you were right I do have a wonderful partnership with my boo, (We call each other this) she is my soul-mate and best friend, as lovers often are.

In response to your last paragraph, he will.  The answer lies within the continual counseling he is going to have to stick to.  I know how daunting it is for someone who is depressed, as I start mine next week too.  It is his best, and probably only way he is going to get the chance to reconfigure how he see's himself through his own eyes.  We will all get there. you too.  If love is real, It can withstand anything. 

I hope to hear from you again to hear how you are both going.  Good luck to you and your boo too hey? 

Mark

[Mark_098]

I forgot to say that if you are just there for him at the first appointment and you only say what needs to be said, but maybe just let him talk, after he may say "Why didn't you talk more today I really wanted to hear what you had to say"? or he might not say anything...  If he doesn't say anything, maybe just for a little while, let it be about him because obviously he won't be at the point yet (in his mind) of realising that the depression has taken you out of the equation, maybe just a little?? Depression is an bad word  X 1,000,000.  I wouldn't worry, I'm sure he will on the first visit or not long after hopefully.

P.s I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge your father's passing.  I'll bet it has been really hard for you, to try to keep things together, for the both of you.  Just because you may be able to hide them or deal with them a little better than your partner, it doesn't mean that it hasn't been pulling your heart strings this whole time too.

I hope you don't mind, I have shared your story/posts with my partner (due to the similarities) and she thinks a lot of you both too.  She said that she wanted me to write this to you (so here we are haha) and she too, hopes you both make it.

Like I said, sometimes the strongest loves forged, are the ones that stand the test of time 🙂

Mark

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear David from David,

I've been spending a bit more time trying to discover how I can edit these posts that seem to have irked some and it's almost 3:30am and the site still does not offer this facility so I can NOT honour my suspension of posts for Peachy1.     The mature thing would be to agree to disagree.     This is something another user Rodentdron and myself occasionally resort to when coming from different sides.

It seems strange that heated exchanges are viewed as unhelpful when one considers that a site like beyondblue would have a whole range of mentally unstable sufferers who try and look out for others mental health in a positive and genuine manner in their own way and with their own style.   With greater experience of mental illness does not come greater or lesser empathy.  It's a bit of tough love mixed in within the moderating framework.   I can relate to a variety of depressive, anxious, etc, situations that are posted but I can't always agree with them.     That's just my bent as an individual.

This is a considered response.    Considered by me.   As another long term responder called Karen used to say "You can take my advice or leave it".   Trying to minimalise depression would harm anyone connected with the beyondblue site as we are all in the same boat together.   And sometimes the boat rocks.

Adios, David.

PS  I would encourage other responders to simply make a response in the same manner Alison has as the diversity of opinions is what makes a forum.   Or as my wife says "This is nonsense" (to be up at this time on beyondblue).  And as I always say "But it stops me from killing myself".  Good Luck.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Peachy1,

The follow up test for Aspergers had me scoring 28/50 which is under the cut off 32.  So, I'm borderline Aspergers or, in technical terms, "Normal", whatever that is.   I think the website is putting an edit facility back in but with the Bank Holiday Mon I'm assuming communication is slow.    I'm surprised none of the other regulars noticed the Edit facility was gone but then most wouldn't be borderline Aspergers.

Self Justification is a Cruel Mistress.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear David Charles, I was like you as I emailed them about the 'edit' button and they were giving it to the techs to include it again. Geoff.

[Peachy1]

Hi Mark,

sorry for the late reply, long weekend!

thank you for your kind words about my dad. it was really hard but i have slowly been able to get through it all.

I have to agree with you that our situations are very similar.. pretty random really!!

we went to the appointment and went well, i just listened to what he had to say and what the psych had to say also, very different to hear what he said about things on a more non-personal level. In a way a lot easier for him i think.

it gave me more insight as to what goes through his mind on a day to day basis. i asked if he wanted me to come to second session, but he says he doesnt need me anymore, he said just being there for the first appointment was enough support so thats good!

It is really nice to hear how you met your partner and that same night you knew she was the one.. some people dont believe love at first sight/soul mates whatever you want to call it, but your living proof hey? 🙂

I hope your appointment goes well Mark, i know you said you have only been once so you already i assume know what its about, but good luck and i hope you find what you are looking for in this person, you just have to trust your instincts and you will soon know if he/she is the right psychologist for you.

i dont mind at all that you shared this with your partner, tell her i said thank you very much for kind words and thoughts 🙂

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Peachy1,

Glad it worked out for you in regard to having more insight and, hopefully, a happier relationship.

Adios, David.