How do i deal with it?

[Peachy1]

Hi,
i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, when we first met things were fantastic.  he was such a lovely man and he still is to this day, however, things have been different for quite some time.

with the loss of a loved one a few years before he met me, he still struggles to move on. he doesnt talk about it but he is depressed i think and no matter how much he says he wants help he is procrastinating. I have given so much to our relationship and have loved doing it, but it is getting really draining for me. i want to have the best life i can and i want him to be in it with me but he doesnt do anything really, he sits at home, doesnt work, plays games all day, i come home from work and do everything. i try to talk to him and get him motivated but he is so defensive and feel like im getting nowhere! what can i do?
the other thing that is affected is our sex life, we used to be really intimate all the time and now its like an effort for him or a 'chore' - he says he loves me and i believe he does but its just not the same. he looks at porn all the time i know it he tries to deny it. he doesnt understand that if we had a healthy sex life i wouldnt care if he did that (i might care but not as much) but he cant do that and then not be intimate. im at my witts end.. i love him but i want him to grow up and get through things and be a man he complains all the time.. well he needs to fix himself?

thanks

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Peachy1,

It is possible to empathise with someone's position whilst maybe not agreeing with them.   As for responding a lot - it's been 2 years of response for me and the vast majority say they have been helped.  Even the moderators have written several times to mention that, despite my own personal mental health problems, I am a "valued contributor".  I've been long term bipolar so it's just my way of giving some insight or offering advice after 26 yrs, 30 admissions and 3 suicide attempts.   The  only opinions that I ever offer always get disallowed as being too personal.

The moderators control what is posted and what is not.   I can respect your request to not post on your thread but unfortunately you cannot control my responses any more than than I can control yours.    If you have been hurt by any of my comments then please note that I only have text to go on.  No facial experession, intonation, phrase of speaking, etc.   But the comment "Are you serious ?" seems to be something I wrote regarding your comment "i love him but i want him to grow up and get through things and be a man.....he needs to fix himself".

It would seem that anyone that disagrees with you is considered unworthy.  Yet your own controlling quick fix strategy seems OK.   This statement seems totally at odds with what you wrote to Mark:  "Do you think I just need to be 100% supportive even if it eats me up inside ?"   It's a far cry from several posts earlier when you made the cry that "I just want some sympathy".     So maybe my responses, without knowing, have softened your mindset a little which can only be a good thing for your depressed husband.

I'm free to come back and edit all my responses on your thread if that makes you feel any better.    But that's really up to me not you.   Writing "as much as I appreciate your opinion" and then "i would ask you to not reply" is called "minimalisation".   Making something go away by manipulating emotions or merely being high handed.  Just playing something down in a psuedo controlling way.    If my comments (i.e. Are you serious ?) have hit a nerve and exposed a slightly controlliing manner towards your partners depression then maybe you could work on supporting him more without prejudice.  Without accountability.

Otherwise you're guilty of ignoring advice from the very Board that is full of heavily experienced depression sufferers.  Advice that has been fully moderated as we all have your best interests at heart.  We all empathise.   I did not suggest you to make a post on BB.    You must have been shocked that a responder didn't totally agree with you, but that's life.

Adios, David.

PS  I have another response about porn for a later date.  That's if the moderators deem this response suitable.   I normally trust their judgement 100%.

[Peachy1]

You seemed to of taken my last response to heart there David?

 Your right, you do have a choice to respond to someone on here, and yes, it is up to the board, but if someone requests that you stop commenting I would have thought you could respect that.

  'It would seem that anyone that disagrees with you is considered unworthy' - not at all, just yours. I am very open to people opinions, I just don’t like the fact that you took what I said to a personal level, not a professional level – you say you have helped many people & give the impression that you are a professional, I believe you but did not agree with your comment, not because I couldn’t take some negative feedback, but because you were arguing/attacking etc.

 If it makes you feel better you can edit your responses on my thread, I’m not a child so don't do it for my sake.

Your responses have not softened my mindset actually, Mark is a new member and his advice has helped me realise and now I understand more, and he has had the same experiences as I.

 I know nothing about you and you don’t know me either, but I know personally I would never respond the way you did, even if I didn’t agree with things you have said. No offence but I have seen other posts that you have written to members, and no doubt you give some great advice, but there are some that I have seen and to be honest  I don’t think you were very tactful with them either.

This isn’t something I want to be doing, arguing with you. I came on here to get some advice and to express what I was going through, and all I have felt is that you were trying to justify yourself to me.

 If you want to keep posting that’s fine, but I will not be responding anymore.

[Peachy1]

Hi again Mark,

thank you for writing back, i have read what you have said and thank you again for all of your help.

I have a bitter taste in my mouth at the moment with comments made on here, so i am not able to write to you at the minute,  but once again great advice, i understand what you are saying and will think about what you have said.

i will write back a longer post in the coming days.

take care

Peachy1

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Peachy,

Thank you for giving me permission respond.    You seem to be mixing up arguement with debate. (Personal responses get filtered by the moderators).

If you look at the research into depression (rather than point out out degrees of tact for any other responses I've helped with) there is a level of neuroscience (i.e. the brain) that has turned up some interesting feedback regarding this area.   I am not a professional counselor just a voluntary responder but my wife is studying her 2nd Ph D in Music & the Brain so occasionally I access this research.

So, the recent studies have shown (on a professional not personal level) that the neuron transmitters of a depressed person are responding about half as much as a normal person thus creating what they term "a brain fog".  This is the reality that depressives live with.    It's not an attack on depressive partners, just reality.  This research has cost millions and used a technology able to count brain response.   It has even shown that a single thought fires off a million neurons.  Imagine that.

We can disagree as to the where's and why's of depression and all that jazz but the bottom line is that someone's responses are blocked.    Your depressed husband is not intentionally frustrating his development.  He just doesn't have his neurons firing through all the synoptic branches to cope with life at the moment.  Put this fact into your earlier comment "I try to talk to him and get him motivated but he is so defense and feel that I am getting nowhere" and there's your reason.

I hope that helps your situation.    My situation of having bipolar for 26 years, multiple admissions and 3 attempted suicides was detailed before your last post but for some reason (? control or other) you state "I know nothing about you".    It's a curious attempt to minimalise my experiences - a quaint way of saying back to me "Are you serious ?".   But if you put this tit for tat aside you'll see that I have tried to respond with whatever useful experience I have.   And now the Stanford University, San Francisco, California, USA, research.  Check it out.

Adios, David.

PS   I respect your right to post so maybe I have a right to respond too.  Again, you can only control yourself.   Accepting depression is the main thing.  I guess I didn't read much acceptance into your husbands' depression in your initial post.   Just saying.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Mark,

As an alternative to suicide watching porn is a good thing.  An avoidance.  A buffer.  A small step into limbo.  You can't kill anyone or yourself whilst watching porn.

Any misdirection will alleviate the struggle with depression.   If that misdirection carries outside judgement then, ex the porn viewer, might just bury himself/herself deeper to block further reality.

Adios, David.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Peachy,

Forgot to add that there is a difference between constructive feedback and bitter abuse.  I believe your post was designed to let "my frustrations out" (5th post in the thread).    I'd say you've achieved that. 

Although I can't help thinking that when you use phrases like "I would have thought", "If it makes you feel better" or "You were trying to justify yourself to me"  these same frustrations could be let out more constructively under the guidance of an anger management course.  At least then it would be all about you and then when you help and support your partner things might seem  less confrontational and more loving and accepting.

I don't think Beyonblue offer anger management but Relationships Australia do.  These would be great skills for any future parenting too.   Most parents will tell you that raising kids is pretty frustrating.  Yet rewarding.   And you can't really tell a kid "to fix himself" [1st post].  Also, mental health can sometimes pre-determine our offspring.   Beyondblue once mentioned to me there was a 1 in 7 chance.

Adios, David.

PS  Sorry for the split post - had to enjoy some 50th birthday cake with my visiting son.  Yum.  Sorry, where was I ?  I think I had too much sugar.  Pass the coke !

[Peachy1]

You have too much time on your hands...just saying

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Mark,

I was going through (on piano) an old song (1956) with my wife (on vox) yesterday - WHEN SUNNY GETS BLUE.   ("When sunny gets blue her eyes get gray and cloudy, Then the rain begins to fall, etc") and there's a great jazz chord in it called a C 7 #9.   Basically, it's about the only chord that can have both a major 3rd (happy) and a minor 3rd (sad).  When you voice them correctly it gives a really lush and earthy sound without actually sounding harsh or clashy even though the major and minor 3rds are but a semitone away / incredibly harsh when close together.   

Made me think about the intimacy / porn discussion you put forward (and it's resolution lyric was "Hurry new love, hurry here, to kiss away each lonely tear, and hold her near, when Sunny gets blue").  You're resolution was "It can be hard to be part of the team".

Thought it might interest you.

Adios, David.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Peachy,

My final 10 cents:

(1) Stanford University are bequested $4 Billion Dollars a year for their innovative, progressive research.   Probably worth taking seriously.

(2)  Medication for mental health can cause all sorts of problems when taken long term.  This includes damage to the kidney, liver, increasing weight, dry mouth, etc.    So, in most cases, someone suffering from mental health issues would have LESS time on their hands.    And the body absorbs these drugs better and better as you get older so the dosage has to be increased, sometimes to an almost toxic level.   These are very real problems when sometimes going to a GP isn't actually going to improve things.

An understanding (part of the "team") attitude to relationships is generally thought to be the key to assisting someone through dark times.  Better than meds.

I am currently doing therapy so that my bipolar is less "autistic" in nature, i.e. that I can accept stuff.    But I can totally see why being rejected for porn would leave you a bit raw and wanting to lash out at something/someone.  There seems to be a law of opposites - the more you want intimacy, the more someone backs away.   The more you desire a partner to be healthy, the more their illness holds them back.  It's a perspective thing, which takes time.  Based on the liver/kidney dysfunction that I am suffering, in this case, you do have more time than me.  Just saying.

Adios, David.

[Peachy1]

Hi Mark, Sorry for the late response. I made an appointment with my partner to see a psychologist and i asked if he wants to go together and he said yes, so thats good right? I am unsure as to whether i should be talking at all in the appointment or just let him talk? unless of course he wants met to? Bit daunting really to go with him, only because of the unknown you know.

 In answer to your question, he is close to his mum, his dad passed away a few years ago but yeh him and his mum are very close. Thats once of the reasons we met, we both had lost our dad around the same time so that sort of  lit the spark between us, because automatically we had something in common (not a happy thing but at least something)

.. with the work friends etc - its a shame that these days you cant make friends at work, at least not to start with.. you cant trust people. Hopefully once he does get work that he enjoys and then eventually can actually be friends with people there after a period of time (i hope so)

 anyways thanks