How do I break the chain?

Jersey_Girl · ‎12-10-2014

I haven't always been like this. I used to be so active and enjoyed life. These days I struggle to get out of bed and when I finally do I feel like a brick is holding me down. I push myself to have a shower and then push myself to do things. I often find myself sitting on the couch wasting the day away. I lack so much confidence and stress about the smallest task. If I could I would spend all day in bed.

I have been reading lots of posts on here trying to get some strategies in place but I am so unmotivated. I guess I am hoping that some of you might have some ideas. I used to work full time but over dd it and had a break down. I now have a few hours of part time work with my sister. I have to push myself to get to work and stress about the smallest things. I have put on a lot of weight which is depressing in itself but lack the motivation to do anything about it. I do see a psychiatrist but I am thinking that maybe I need to see a psychologist for some counseling.

I am hoping that I can start a thread that will enable me to tell my story. Looking forward to hearing from others and hearing how they break the chain. Some days I just don't want to push myself anymore but I know that I can't live like this forever. I want my old self back. The one that was willing to give anything a try and enjoyed life.

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Jersey_Girl · ‎20-10-2014

Well I'm struggling... I actually had a great night on Saturday night because I pushed myself to go out. I felt normal, I danced and sang along to the music, socialized and overall had a great night. The next day (yesterday) I couldn't get out of bed. It wasn't a late night and I only had one glass of wine. When I did get out of bed I practically curled up in a ball on the couch and slept. I had no motivation at all. I was concerned that I might not sleep last night but I had no problem. Today was supposed to be the beginning of something new. I had planned to get up early and walk with my friend and try to get my life into some sort of routine. I got up when the alarm went off, had a cup of tea to wake up and went for a walk. The walk was a bit of an effort but I did it. The problem is that I came home and went back to bed and didn't get out until after midday. I am back on the couch doing pretty much what I did yesterday ( nothing). I can't stand how I feel, I just want to feel like I did on Saturday. Please someone tell me that things will get better. I hope I can get out of bed in the morning for a walk but judging on how I am feeling at the moment I don't like my chances. Just wanted to tell someone...I feel like I have to make an effort with whatever I do and I don't have the strength anymore ...

CrashCoyote · ‎20-10-2014

Hi Jersey Girl,

Your feelings are so common. I often can get up, cook my son breakfast, take him to school, come back and put on a load of washing and then go back to bed and sleep for two hours! I don't feel tired, I feel lethargic.

You are right, though, when we push ourselves to do something it pays off. I save up trips out so I don't have to go out every day, yet when I do I find myself at the grocery store, the hardware store, the nursery and so on, and I just really enjoy being out. Getting started is the trick. Maybe this is just what life looks like for us now? I don't know. All I know is that when I see some hyper active Energizer Bunny type person, I know I am the “Yin” to their “Yang”. Since in Eastern philosophy the two aren't seen as opposing but rather complimentary (no shadow without light and so on) I wonder if maybe people like us are bound to be?

I hope you can get on your dancing shoes again this weekend again. I like to think that even one “fun” night a week is better than none!

Kind regards, John.

P.S. Think if you can about some volunteerism or commitment that forces you to overcome the inability to get going.

Jersey_Girl · ‎21-10-2014

Thankyou John for your reply.

Today has been a roller coaster of feelings. It started by getting out of bed at 7 to meet my friend for a walk along our beautiful waterfront. The whole time I was walking I was thinking about going back to bed. (lethargy as you put it). When I got home at 9 I went back to bed and got up around 10.45. My son had come home from his voluntary work to get changed for a job interview. I received an SMS from my sister requesting that I change one of my work days as it was going to clash with other things she had on. Well my anxiety levels went through the roof...I don't deal with change very well at all. I rang her and told her I was struggling with the change and that I needed structure and that I couldn't handle all the chopping and changing ( it meant that all arrangements I had, had to be charged also). I felt so useless as I couldn't see the forest for the trees, I couldn't cope. As I write this I can't see what was so stressful but it was. I had a panic attack. I then distracted myself by playing words with friends and having a look at the beyond blue forums for a little while ( still feeling anxiety). I pushed myself to have a shower and then pushed myself to visit a friend who I had arranged to have a dance with. We danced and then I had a cup of tea with him and his wife. The anxiety had subsided. On the way home I called into the supermarket to get something or dinner. I didn't have to push as much to cook dinner but it was still an effort. Straight after dinner I did the dishes because I had to be at a Salsa committee meeting. I drove to a friends place and we travelled together to the meeting. Then "snap" I felt normal. I contibuted to the meeting confidently and made comitments to our event that is coming up in November. As I write this I feel like I can easily do everything that I committed to but when the time comes I will be full of anxiety and will have to push myself again. I hope and pray that when I wake tomorrow that I will feel the way I feel now ( normal)...maybe tomorrow will be the beginning of my recovery. I have been rambling a bit but I can see that this is a form of diary writing for me. Maybe I will understand what is going on on my head by writing in here.

Thankyou John for your reply it is nice to have contact with people who can relate

Take care and I hope you get to have some fun along the way too.

Mares73 · ‎25-10-2014

Hi Jersey Girl it's Mares. I've been wondering how you are. One example of my experience is everyday I write a small manageable list of tasks that need doing-things like paying bills, making appointments, cooking, reading a chapter of a great book called "The Happiness Trap" & so on. Yet lately the days have passed without me achieving anything on my list or doing even 1 important task such as making an appointment. I have zero self motivation & by the end of day I've achieved nothing except hating myself more for not being able to do anything. This happens to me quite often & it's a horrible feeling. When I actually get the strength to start my list I realize it's not hard & I've made it a bigger problem than it is by procrastination. You actually feel better when you force yourself to get started on something that you need or want to do-no matter how small the task. So I'd suggest the same for you-pick the easiest task to deal with & force yourself to do it. I'm pretty sure you'll feel more confident & able to continue once you pass the first goal post. And also I can't recommend that book enough. Russ Harris the author has a website where you can read the first chapter. I've never related to psychologists as most use the CBT-COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL therapy approach where they try to get you to change your thoughts & feelings. Russ Harris believes were human & can't simply change thoughts & feelings. He believes in ACT therapy-acceptance of yourself & taking action to help you live with who you are as a person. There are factsheets, worksheets & heaps of info on his website. I'd really recommend having a look-its the first "selfhelp" book I've ever related to. Anyway back to you-how are you feeling & coping at the moment? Are you still feeling really low about yourself & struggling with motivation? You are not alone. I have poor self esteem & relate to much of what you've said. Sending love & hugs & hope to hear from you soon. Love Maresxxxx

Jersey_Girl · ‎25-10-2014

Hi Mares, Thankyou again for your reply.The last few days I have been struggling. Today I didn't get out of bed til around 5 and I am still in my pjs. I thought I had better get up for a while so that I sleep tonight. I haven't unpacked my bag yet from staying at mums, I haven't done the groceries, I haven't had a shower, my house is starting to need some attention re housework. I know that tomorrow is another day but to get anywhere I will have to push myself. I am tired of pushing myself but I think I need to talk to my psych again re medication. At the moment I am on medication for paranoia and have just started to take a very small dose of another antipsychotic to see if that makes any difference to my lack of motivation. I am not on antidepressants because the last two I tried caused me to be constipated, feel even more lethargic and to put on a lot of weight. Maybe I need to try another antidepressant, I don't know??? Or is it the medication for paranoia that is causing my problem? I thought I could push myself through this rough patch but I am starting to concede defeat as I have been like this for around eighteen months now. Obviously some days are worse than others.

Thankyou for recommending Russ Harris, I am not much for reading but I will have a look at his website as I have spent lots of time reading the forums on here searching for answers.I hope you are feeling a bit better and are managing to get through the day. I like the idea of a list, it's just getting enough motivation to write the list. Maybe tomorrow will be a bit easier. I have to go back to my sisters shop on Monday as they are going to Qld for 10 days and I won't work while they are away. That worries me as I won't have anything that I have to do and I hope I don't spend it in bed. I have arranged to have a coffee with a friend on Thursday morning but like always I will have to push myself.

A friend called in tonight to have a cuppa and give me a friends TENS machine to try. It is supposed to stimulate endorphins and aid in depression. Does anyone know anything about them. It comes from the Black Dog Institute. We didn't have any instructions so will wait until her friend comes back before I try it. It is now 8.30 and I feel a little bit better.I think I will sign off now, unpack my bag and do the few dishes that are in the sink. At least I will feel that I have achieved something today. Tomorrow is another day. Here's hoping its a bit better for both of us.

Take care Mary xx

Mares73 · ‎26-10-2014

Dear JS it's great to hear back from you-although I know you are having a really rough time. I feel so much for you because what you describe is exactly the situation I often find myself in. It's such an awful feeling when you feel lost & alone & not able to function. I remember many days getting up feeling I couldn't possibly face a shower so I'd spend days in my pj's, wandering around the house aimlessly, not even possible that I could get myself together to leave the house or motivate myself to do the smallest tasks. This of course led to further self hate at how hopeless I felt. I know such days make us spiral further down. And even now that I've started writing achievable things to do each day so I wakeup with a plan-i struggle with getting the motivation to do anything but stare at my list feeling lost, hopeless & zero motivation. Even opening the mail becomes a problem & it can build up before I can face opening it. I'm only sharing this so you know your not alone or strange-ive experienced all you describe. Re antidepressants-it took several trials of different ones before I found the right one. I'm now on a SNRI, an anti psychotic for anxiety & a stimulant to boost the antidepressant effects. I would persist with the antidepressants. They are proven to help with anxiety & depression. And you know I have a feeling a 2nd opinion from a GP would be good. There is a list on this site that specialize in mental illness & recommended by Beyond Blue. Perhaps a visit would be worth it, a 2nd opinion on medication as meds are a crucial part of supporting your recovery. Like me-you are still the social person who enjoys doing things-but you can't see that part of you when your gripped by depression. Sometimes the hardest part is accepting we have an illness & have horrible symptoms. It's not who you are a at the core. And just as diabetics require meds so do you for your illness. Do you think you'd be up to writing down 1 thinga day you might enjoy-whether its reading a gossip mag, watching a Dvd, having a bath-just 1 thing for you. The house will survive-you need to focus on yourself more than anything else. And You will come through this awful time, as hard as it is to see right now. We all have our really down times where just getting through the day is a struggle. But you have insight, honesty, courage & want to beat this illness. Keep writing, remember your never a alone & use the phone counseling service if you get too low. Sending love & hugsxx Mares

Jersey_Girl · ‎26-10-2014

Thank you Mary again for your reply.

Today I struggled again to get out of bed but I did ( around 12ish). My son and I were going to do groceries at 12 but he was still in bed. My mum offered to come and stay with me tonight but I told her there was not much she could do. I managed to ring a friend who had invited me to go to another friends open garden and then to a wine bar for some salsa dancing. As much as I didn't want to go, I did. I walked around the garden aimlessly but I guess it was better than staying in bed. I went dancing and felt a little better. I guess it was good to be distracted even if only for a little while.

Tomorrow I have to work at my sisters shop, I have concerns about getting there on time but I will have my clothes ready and my bags packed tonight so that it is a little bit easier for me tomorrow. It is only for 3 hours so hopefully I will manage. I have arranged to visit a friend afterwards and then stay at my mums the night. I have good people around me but the reality is that they can't do anything for me really.

I am seeing my psychiatrist in a little over a weeks time and will talk to him about medication but he is retiring at the beginning of next year. I have been seeing him for 7 years now and trust him. I have an appointment with another psychiatrist later in November (she will be my new treating psychiatrist.) it is probably my fault that I am not on antidepressants as the two I have tried have just had such negative side effects.

Tomorrow is another day, here's hoping its a good day for both of us. I do find that I feel better after writing in here. I am going to get myself ready so that in the morning all I have to do is jump in the shower and go.

Take care and Thankyou again for taking the time to write xx

Jersey_Girl · ‎29-10-2014

It's me again!

Just wanted to touch base. I had a terrible weekend and made the effort to see my psychiatrist a week early as I ddntt think I could cope until next week. We discussed an antidepressant that my sister takes and works for her. As we share the same genes my doctor thought it a good idea to give them the next try.I am hopeful that I am on the road to recovery.

As I write this I am feeling ok as it is evening and I seem to feel relief in the evening especially if I have pushed myself and done something during the day.. This apparently is how depression works. Some people feel worse in the morning and are better towards the evening others the opposite and lots of variations in between.

I have arranged with a friend to have a coffee tomorrow afternoon so that I get out of bed at least for some of the day. Looking forward to the medication kicking in but that will take time. Hope that whoever might read this is getting some relief and that the road to recovery is well on its way.

Take care and best wishes to all

Jersey_Girl · ‎01-11-2014

Well here I am again.

I am struggling. I spent most of yesterday in bed, cancelled a coffee with a friend and have absolutely no motivation or interest in anything. I just want my life back. I have no energy and want someone to take care of me. I have a big salsa event coming up next Friday night and I am supposed to be on the door and handing out supper. The following day is my sisters 50 th birthday party. I don't think I will be able to manage either of them. I am lucky that i only have to work Thursday this week of which I might call in sick.

Please someone tell me that what I am feeling is temporary, I can't take much more of this. I am lost and lonely, bored but unmotivated and have no appetite. Even my morning cup of tea doesn't interest me. I know it takes a few weeks for antidepressants to kick in and tomorrow is another day. It's funny when I write in here things don't really feel as bad. At least today I got out of bed and had a shower and breakfast.

CrashCoyote · ‎06-11-2014

Hi Jersey Girl,

I just wanted to write to say I am thinking of you. I wish I could tell you the secret to instant recovery, but if there is one, I don't know what it is!

Please just keep taking little steps and keep posting if you can?

Kind regards, John.