How do I break the chain?

[Jersey_Girl]

I haven't always been like this. I used to be so active and enjoyed life. These days I struggle to get out of bed and when I finally do I feel like a brick is holding me down. I push myself to have a shower and then push myself to do things. I often find myself sitting on the couch wasting the day away. I lack so much confidence and stress about the smallest task. If I could I would spend all day in bed.

I have been reading lots of posts on here trying to get some strategies in place but I am so unmotivated. I guess I am hoping that some of you might have some ideas. I used to work full time but over dd it and had a break down. I now have a few hours of part time work with my sister. I have to push myself to get to work and stress about the smallest things. I have put on a lot of weight which is depressing in itself but lack the motivation to do anything about it. I do see a psychiatrist but I am thinking that maybe I need to see a psychologist for some counseling.

I am hoping that I can start a thread that will enable me to tell my story. Looking forward to hearing from others and hearing how they break the chain. Some days I just don't want to push myself anymore but I know that I can't live like this forever. I want my old self back. The one that was willing to give anything a try and enjoyed life.

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[Mares73]

Sorry Jersey Girl-can I just let John know-as he asked-that I have a thread called "Black dog returns & I still can't control it". I need to update it. Lve Mares x

[geoff]

dear Jersey Girl, it's good that so many can reply back to you or anyone else mostly who can relate to what you have been through, so they can then bring new ideas to what you hadn't thought off, or reinforce what you plan to do, or perhaps offer some suggestions.

In regard to ' I just want someone to say that one day I won't need to push myself and that one day soon my life won't be such a struggle', well this can happen because normally we change direction, in other words, we find that we like to do the complete opposite from what we did before hand, for example I loved being a builder/handyman and there never any thought of not being able to do it, but now I avoid doing any of it.

When I look back at it, it's a shame but that's what depression has done to me. L Geoff. x

[Jersey_Girl]

Thanks Geoff for your reply. I will never return to teaching, I sometimes have nightmares about uncontrollable classrooms and teachers observing my teaching. I don't handle stress very well so if I am to have another job in the future it would have to be gentle. I am lucky that I have a few hours part time with my sister and brother in law and they are very aware that I don't handle stress well. How long my job will last is uncertain but I will make hay while the sun shines. 

Yesterday I didn't get out of bed til midday. I just couldn't face the day. Then as I said I would in my last post I didn't do much at all. My day was awful, full of anxiety and depression and no motivation at all. I felt lonely. My son lives with me but when he is home spends his time in his room on the Internet playing games with his internet friends.  He knew that things were not too good with me so when I told him it was his turn to cook dinner he did not complain and cooked dinner. Today I did the same, got out of bed around 11.30.  My psychiatrist is retiring at the beginning of next year so I have a referral to see another psychiatrist. I tried to make an appointment with the new psych but things are never simple. My anxiety was through the roof. I had a shower and felt a little better. I pushed myself to the supermarket and when I got home a friend rang to see if I was home. I quickly cleaned the bathroom and toilet and tidied up and before I knew it she was here. This friend has known me pre break down so she knows me well. She stayed a couple of hours and we talked about life in general. It was nice to see her. When she left I was motivated to cook dinner and do the dishes. (lesson to self, push...push...push and when down I need to talk to someone or visit someone. Mares I am going to motivate myself to make some sort of routine. I think next week I will start walking in the morning so I just need to work out how to fill in the days that I don't work. Any suggestions???? 

Well it is evening and things always seem easier at the end of the day but I am going to try pushing myself again until I don't have to push anymore.  

Take care and feel free to reply xx

[mtill17]

Hi Jersey Girl! Firstly Congratulations on the progress you have made so far, it looks like today was a good day. 

I find myself in a similar situation where I dont see the point in getting out of bed in the morning to face each day ahead. 

I had an idea that may be of help to you, it was actually from an earlier post by CrashCoyote where it was mentioned that kids were a good motivator.. so I was wondering, do you or have you ever considered getting a dog? This would help to create some sort of routine or structure in your life eg walking the dog each morning, taking care of the dog could become a good motivator to assist you in taking care of yourself!

Just a thought, I wish I was allowed a pet but circumstances do not permit... 

Good Luck with your routine tomorrow and I look forwards to your next post 😄 

[Jersey_Girl]

Hi mtill17, yes I have very much considered getting a dog. I am a little scared of the commitment but you are so right.  I might not be so lonely and I would be pushed to think about something else apart from my own problems. I have spent lots of time searching different dogs, then I go cold and put it in the too hard basket. I will start a list with constructive things to do and at the top I will list "find a dog". Thankyou so much for your post xx

[Mares73]

Dear Jersey Girl what great strength you have in getting yourself out of the house & doing the shopping & also spending time with another person which isn't easy even if they are a friend when your feeling as though your not part of the world. As you say we have much in common. My challenge is to try table my isolation, loneliness, lack of purpose & motivation. Apart from the fact I used to be such a social motivated person-i was also a great organizer with motivation. But since depr  scion hit me hard I have struggled with very little motivation or purpose & try to avoid dealings I need to as well as procrastinating which leads me to feeling worse about myself. There are weeks I have felt so stuck that I couldn't even face opening the mail or paying bills or taking action about things that I needed to do. It's a terrible feeling to be unable to do things that are necessary & sound petty like opening the mail. This leads to heaps of guilt & self blame that I failed to deal with things.A lack of purpose & motivation can be a really hard thing to deal with. So much time can be spent simply existing & going through automatic motions to pass each day. What I desperately want is to feel I'm living rather than simply existing. Due to the lack of motivation this illness can contribute to-ive found that having a written schedule for each day to be most helpful. I make sure on each days list to include doing something towards helping my mental health ie creating & writing in a journal, learning more strategies for dealing with the illness, doing free online self help courses etc. And the other essential thing on my list is spending an hour (or as much time as you can) doing something enjoyable or relaxing ie reading, watching a movie, having a bath or whatever your favorite hobby is. I still struggle with finding hobbies- it's a matter of getting a few ideas & try them out. For exmple I have no experience in gardening but I'm going to buy some pretty flower seedlings this week & I will ask what's the best types for this time of the year & then I will have a go at making a colorful garden. They are the 2 essential things on my list each day & it would be best to let a chore go if you haven't got time rather than not doing those two things. I have some other great things I'd like to share with you but I'll have to write you another msg as I've used up my word space. I hope I can support you in ways that are helpful for you. Tell me if I'm off the mark. Love Mares xx

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Jersey Girl, 

I think you will find many of us on here once held responsible and challenging positions and now struggle with P.T.S.D., anxiety, depression, or combinations of these. You are not alone. 

(Personally, I was a policeman for thirty years. Not as dangerous as teaching 🙂 but still......) 

I read your post and wanted to say two things. First, changing your psych may work out. I had a psych for three years before legislative change (in N.S.W. at least) prevented him from doing workers comp. My insurer said I could pick anyone I liked in his stead so long as they were allowed to do workers comp under the n system. I was so angry at the thought of having to bond with someone else and re-explain some of the wonderful experiences I had during my career in law enforcement. Anyway, I found a new psych and she did more for me in the first six months than the previous one had done in three years. Don't get me wrong, I really liked the other guy, but in hindsight my sessions with him were more like going to meet a mate at the pub for a chat (sans booze) than therapy. The new psych was able to get me to auto critique much better and change some behaviours. I still see her but have slipped a bit as I have been lucky enough to be overseas the last few months and had no therapy in that time. 

Some days I just hate the world and don't want to interact with anyone, even by telephone. Other times I feel so lonely or crave activity. I know most people are good people and I know the outside world is – reasonably – safe. Yet I constantly feel everyone is a threat and that there is danger around every corner. I am hyper vigilant, I startle easily, drink too much and exercise too little. Sorry if it sounds all about me, I just want you to know that you aren't the only one that is not who they used to be! 

The other thing I wanted to say is that I have found it very easy to do nothing all day, but it is bad. Somehow I used to manage a house, pay the bills, do stuff with the kids and work full time. Now I don't work and can barely manage my son when he is with me six days a fortnight. I watch too much Foxtel (if that's possible!) and procrastinate about just about everything. So, please, find a way to motivate yourself because it is a slippery slope the whole doing nothing thing. 

I wanted to write about the dog thing too, but space beat me. Next time!

Anyway, stick with it. Kind regards, John.

[white knight]

Hi ,  Good to see you still here crash coyote.

Dogs....we have our 2 year old pure bred Australian mini fox terrier "Miss Rosie" and we adore her. Smaller than a Jack Russell and cute. The only other dog I would enjoy is a Pappillon.  they are about the same size with cute ear and are more placid byt need their hair brushed. cheers.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi again, Jersey Girl,

The thing I wanted to say about dogs is that it is a fair commitment, as you are rightly considering. I had a long hair German Shepherd for fourteen years (pooh factory on legs that he was) and I miss him dearly. I can imagine now spending many happy hours playing with a new Shepherd pup, but I am trying to go back to full time employment, I still like to travel and I have rellies out of Sydney. All of these things make pet ownership difficult.

I wondered if it is possible where you live to either do some dog walking, paid or not, or some other type of volunteerism (like at the R.S.P.C.A.) or something that would still push you to get up and go out every day. Just a thought.

Kind regards, John.

P.S. Cheers WK.

[Jersey_Girl]

Thanks all for your replies.

Its funny but last night I was keen again to look for a dog and today when I think of the commitment I shy away. There are lots of positives for having a dog but I worry that when I am down I will feel guilt if I don't give it the attention it needs. I stay a few days a week away from home for my job. I stay with my mum or daughter so there wouldn't be a problem taking it with me or my son could look after it.  Maybe as I become more motivated I will bite the bullet and get a dog/ or not.

Mares you are inspirational. You still seem to be able to find pleasure in things and keep a routine. Good on you for starting a flower garden. I wouldn't have the motivation to water it. I have pot plants under my pergola that are very neglected but somehow manage to stay alive. I am working on starting a routine next Monday. I will start walking with a friend ( means getting out of bed at 7!!!) we have a beautiful waterfront here and hopefully with the weather on the improve I will come home more enthusiastic. I have started a list of things to do and will hopefully make the most of it.  Here's hoping I can "break te chain".

John, Thankyou for sharing re change of Psych. I have been seeing my psych for 7 yerars and I have become a bit dependent on him. He has been my rock when I have been at my worst. I will really miss him.  The new seems very clinical but I might find it is the best thing that could have happend. My current psych is like your first psych in that it is like going to visit a friend.

Today I am working for my sister so I am away from home the next few days. The change should do me some good. I have woken up feeling ok. Out of bed at 9.30 showered and ready to go. I actually took on board an idea from someone else's post to have my clothes ready for the next day before I go to bed. I think it has made a difference. The visit from my friend has lifted my spirits I think.

Keep in touch xx