How do I break the chain?

Jersey_Girl · ‎12-10-2014

I haven't always been like this. I used to be so active and enjoyed life. These days I struggle to get out of bed and when I finally do I feel like a brick is holding me down. I push myself to have a shower and then push myself to do things. I often find myself sitting on the couch wasting the day away. I lack so much confidence and stress about the smallest task. If I could I would spend all day in bed.

I have been reading lots of posts on here trying to get some strategies in place but I am so unmotivated. I guess I am hoping that some of you might have some ideas. I used to work full time but over dd it and had a break down. I now have a few hours of part time work with my sister. I have to push myself to get to work and stress about the smallest things. I have put on a lot of weight which is depressing in itself but lack the motivation to do anything about it. I do see a psychiatrist but I am thinking that maybe I need to see a psychologist for some counseling.

I am hoping that I can start a thread that will enable me to tell my story. Looking forward to hearing from others and hearing how they break the chain. Some days I just don't want to push myself anymore but I know that I can't live like this forever. I want my old self back. The one that was willing to give anything a try and enjoyed life.

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Jersey_Girl · ‎25-11-2014

This morning I went for a 20 min walk and when I got home ended back in bed for a while. I just don't know what to put in my routine while I am staying at my mums or even when I go home. I still don't have any motivation or interest in anything. I helped mum in the garden for a little while. It has been good to have some company but on Thursday I will be on my own and I think I have become a little dependent on my mum. I don't want to go home.

Jersey_Girl · ‎26-11-2014

Today has been a bad day. I went for a walk this morning but ended up back in bed. It is so hard to keep active. Tomorrow is another day.

Snoman · ‎26-11-2014

Hi Jersey Girl,

It is very hard to be active on bad days. But you do have to fight it as much as possible. Any distraction is a good one, even if it isn't "productive". Play a game on your phone if you want, but make the rule that you have to be sitting. Make the rule that you have to move to another room or sit on a different chair every hour. Anything other than climbing back into bed.

It is the effort of pushing back against the wants of the black dog that will let you win.

Sno

Mares73 · ‎27-11-2014

Dear Jersey Girl I'm really sorry I haven't been in contact for a while. Your the one person who I relate to as being at similar stages in life. I know what it's like to wish the day was over so you can escape by sleep only to awaken with anxiety & dread about getting through the day ahead. Like you I'm struggling to even have a shower & find something to wear. I spend my time feeling immobilized by anxiety, unable to do much as I feel overwhelmed by dealing with the realities of life. I procrastinate, isolate myself, write lists that always end up being put off & generally spend my days alone, unable to go out & face the world. My confidence is rock bottom, I feel helpless, weak & a failure for not being able to manage basic things like self care. I have stopped even making an effort to look nice as I get overwhelmed by just having a shower & getting dressed. I have zero motivation, hope or the ability to function with even basic tasks. I don't write all this to b hijack your post but rather to show your not alone. I have a 10yr old son & 15yr old daughter & yesterday when I tried to tell my son he couldn't spend all afternoon & evening on the Xbox, he replied "why not? Your a fat pig who does nothing but sit in the kitchen & u never even go out". I was gutted. To think my son whose only 10 sees me in this way crushed me. He has no respect for me, won't do anything I ask & sees me as a weak, pathetic mother. That just finished me off. I thought I may have no self esteem but I know I do everything for my kids. I'm completely there for them & hide how I truly feel. My 15yr old daughter treats me better she knows I have poor self esteem & we are very close. But I fear my son growing up with total disgust for me as that's how he's acting now. I feel "stuck". I desperately want to feel better but I try the things that are recommended & I struggle with even the basics like leaving the house for 10 min a day when I have a dog I bought for company & exercise. I have no one to share how low I am with so I put on a mask for my family whilst feeling anxious & so very low & self critical about myself. I know you have expressed very similar feelings & experiences. How are you this week? Has there been any improvements & if so what are they & how do you think you achieved them? I remember reading your early posts thinking my gosh you were describing me! I have thought of you each day & hope to hear back about how you are? Hugs X Lve Mary (Mares)

Jersey_Girl · ‎27-11-2014

Hi Mares, this is my third attempt at replying to your post. I am sad that you feel the way you do but I can totally relate to how you feel. Everyday I wake up and don't want to face the day. I struggle to get out of bed, struggle to have a shower, sometimes I don't have one. I find it hard to think what I am going to wear, and am finding that I am not taking good care of my appearance. Every night I go to bed hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

As it is now evening I am feeling a little bit better although still no motivation. My mum keeps telling me that "it will pass" and I wonder if ever it will. There is going to be a day soon that I am going to have to face my responsibilities at home. I have taken time off work, my sister will reassess after Christmas. My son is holding fort in my home. Just having him there to check the mail is a help. Bills, doctor appointments and centrelink are not going to go away.

Mares I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that it will all pass in time. Keep doing your best and keep in touch xx

Jersey_Girl · ‎29-11-2014

Hello again, another bad day. Feel like I am losing my mind. My memory is terrible and I find it difficult to have a conversation with my mum. Didn't do anything constructive today. Unmotivated and lazy. Spent most of the day reading the forums in here searching for answers.

Jersey_Girl · ‎03-12-2014

I am still waiting for that magic cure but it doesn't seem to be happening. I don't think the antedepressants are working. It has been five weeks and I don't think I am any better than before. I have upped the AD today and see my psych on Friday. I am thinking that maybe I need a stint in hospital but don't really know what that involves. Can anyone tell me what it is like to stay in a psychiatric hospital?

CrashCoyote · ‎03-12-2014

Hi Jersey Girl,

I am sorry to hear you are still struggling. The idea of some in-patient therapy is a good one, particularly if your psychologist agrees.

I spent three weeks as an in-patient at such a place and did find it helpful. I was being treated for P.T.S.D. and alcohol addiction. Such visits can be quite expensive although I do have health insurance and of the total bill close to 20k, I only had to pay a few hundred myself.

The rehab place was full of various addicts and people with other issues and it's three biggest advantages, in my view, were that I could not access alcohol, I could get away from the real world for that time and the staff and other patients showed me nothing but total support and acceptance.

It was nice to not be judged for the things that are already making your life hell and I can honestly say I have never found such a high level of safety and acceptance from these total strangers, each struggling with their own problems, outside of that place.

I do not know if you have discussed this idea with your health care professional but I would urge you to.

Kind regards, John.

Jersey_Girl · ‎05-12-2014

Thanks John for your reply.

I saw my psychiatrist today and he didn't think hospital stay was a good option. Just have to persevere with medication which was upped a couple of days ago. Today has been a better day and I am very bored here at my mums. That might be a good sign. I am planning to go home next Wednesday as I have another appointment with my new psychiatrist. Hopefully I will be feeling better as upped meds might have started to work.

Still very unmotivated, spend a lot of time sitting here playing on my iPad and reading BB posts. Just need to get interested in life again. Hopefully it's not far away.

CrashCoyote · ‎05-12-2014

Hi Jersey Girl,

That is good news that your specialist does not think in-patient therapy is necessary. It isn't a panacea so keep on with the strategy he recommends.

I hope the increase in meds kicks in and works for the better. Please let me know because I like to know how you are going.

Have a good week if you can.

Kind regards, John.