Hour by hour,Day by day

[MaryG]

I wasn't sure if I should continue my old thread or start a new one. I guess I chose this option. 

I have not had a drink now since the 17th of September and I feel raw and exposed. I have been dulling myself for so long now with alcohol that I find myself now experiencing my black hole of despair in all it's glory. I have been reading a book by Jenny Stewart called Inner Weather: Learning from Depression. It is her personal story and she describes the way she felt and how I feel in the morning so perfectly. 

"...having achieved the partial relief of sleep (hoping against hope that, against all evidence to the contrary, the pall will dissipate overnight), you ‘wake and feel the fell of dark, not day’ (Gerard Manley Hopkins). But it is not just the dark that has taken hold, for that will dissipate. There is a knot of anxiety in the solar plexus, and beyond and behind that, something worse … a feeling of dread."

In the last two years I would have killed those feelings with alcohol, or at times with self harm. But now I am trying very hard to get through hour by hour and day by day. I have another 2 weeks till I see the psych again (how dare she take a holiday just when I was starting to get help!) I have been trying meditation. A mindfulness session recommended to me by the psych. I keep falling asleep before I finish the track. But I find it helps a little. I have always exercised a lot so that helps too. But all of these things are temporary distractions that divert my attention. Once the activity is over I'm right back to the hole again. It's like I expect it to be there waiting for me. On the rare occasion it's not there I almost miss it. In some strange way it is almost comforting.

"Deep depression is a place more terrible than can easily be imagined. But it is a kind of refuge from confrontations that are even more difficult. Once you have realised this, no matter how difficult the circumstances, the refuge is no longer available and you must fight the demons, knowing what they are" 

That is another quote from Jenny Stewart's book and I understand what she is saying here. It makes perfect sense to me. It is like a refuge at times. Somewhere I can hide.

Thanks once more for listening.

Mary.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Mary,

You seem to have a good resource there.

Had to laugh at your fake outrage regarding your consellors holiday.  I think there is a grain of salt there in that we can't seem to take holidays from whatever mental illness we are suffering from.

Distractions are good short term but getting a real handle on how you think or react might last long term.  Being able to cope with your own problems is very different to the average take on being able to cope.   A good media ex of this happened this week with One Direction performing in Australia.  Harry Stiles, nominal leader, went off with 2 sisters for a night of drinking, "fun", and twittering photos, etc, only to wake up to angry fans and plenty of "Who does that girl with Harry think she is ?" outrage.  As if a pop diva has to justify which girl he spends time with..........

Adios, David.

[MaryG]

Hey David,

yeah reading other people's experiences is beneficial. I don't relate to everything she says but a few things really resonated with me. I used to hate it when people would say "you're not the only one...lots of people feel the way you do" It just made me think well all these people are coping with this and I'm not. Made me feel like even more of a failure. I realise now that just like me outward appearances can be very deceiving and we get very good at masking what is really going on. 

I am really almost looking forward to working this all out. Antidepressants have been suggested to me but I don't want to go back to just masking everything with another drug. Is that how they work? How do you work through the core issues if you're not feeling them any more? 

Yes even counsellors need holidays. Probably more than most! I'll manage for the next couple of weeks. I have managed this long after all.

Mary

[geoff]

dear Mary, thanks for keeping us in touch.

It's a real battle, I know it is, and I wonder what is worse, not drinking or wanting to drink knowing that it won't be beneficial for you and your family, it's hard call, but probably both are equally the same.

I'm not sure whether or not I have mentioned the medication that stops the urge to drink, I have tried it and it does work, but the time when I wanted to drink in depression was the worst, not that I felt like a drink, it was just a routine that I got myself into, so that's why I guzzled a glass of fizzy drink.

I have to agree with you when you say what people say to you, 'you're not the only one...lots of people feel the way you do', is this supposed to make you feel comfortable, no way, it's like me saying 'I have cancer and not expected to live long, so you have cancer and sorry the same will happen to you'.

Sorry, that's probably a bit harsh, but it runs along the same principle.

There is no way you should feel as though you are a failure, your not, and I certainly never felt that way, and if anyone said that to me, I would pay no attention, these comments are immature, and have no substance.

If you decide to take antidepressants or the other drugs which I have mentioned, they don't mask the core issues, what they do is to level head your thoughts, and from there on you are capable of working through your problems, because you now have the ability to think through the situations, because with depression everything is blocked out.

Mary I am proud of you, I know that this may mean 'sweet nothing' for you, but it's such a difficult problem to overcome.

I have to apologise to you for not replying earlier, but I had a couple of days off, so please keep in touch, until your psych returns from a break. L Geoff. x

[Dennis38]

First off Mary congrats on giving up the booze, that is going to help things in the long run, and yeah I know we all get tired of the "long road" but sad to say we all have to deal with it as short term solutions normaly only work short term and can do more damage then good.

The falling a sleep during meditation is a good thing because if you are sleeping you are not thinking or depressed, or at least that you will remember, after a while you can train your brain not to fall a sleep. But some times sleep is the best meds.

Now as for the anit-depression meds they do not mask your core problems what they tend to do (or what it did for me) was gave me a middle ground so I was no longer fighting the ups and downs or wanting to off myself. And it allowed me face my demons with out hiding.

As that author said "But it (depression) is a kind of refuge from confrontations that are even more difficult. "  we can hid behind our depression a lot of times, and even to this day I have found myself hiding behind it a little, mind you still trying to figure out how to step out from its long shadow, its almost like a rut, and as I jokenly say "I like my rut I can see what is coming!" Where as if I step out from behind that rut, well then I have to face everything head on, no more hiding behind the problem.

Talking is always a good thing, and the meds do help you look at things more logically instead of emotionally. Emotions are the bane of our logical side as they tend to be a hell of a lot stronger then logic, so the meds kind of let the logic seep though a bit more. Now I will freely admit to taking myself off the Prozac that I was on as I wanted to start to feel again. As with the Prozac I was basically a walking zombie, no feelings what so ever no matter what happened. I could think logicaly but everything was a little dull, we need our emotions but we need to rule them, not them rule us.

I wish you the best of luck and remember that there are people on this forum that can offer you advice or simply an ear to bend

Best Wishes

Dennis

[MaryG]

Hey Geoff,

hope you had a nice birthday. Thanks for the advice on medication, I really have no idea how all that works. I will talk to my doctor about it when the time comes. I had just heard people say how they stop taking their medication because it flattens them out too much. Maybe they are just taking the wrong ones.

As far as the alcohol is concerned, I am actually in some perverse way enjoying the way I am denying myself a drink. I used to starve myself as a teenager/young adult (strange but no one ever took me to see a doctor about it or talked to me about anorexia when it was so obvious I had a problem...was it depression as well back then?) and this new denial of alcohol has a similar control type feeling to it. Also because only a few people know about it I am also perversely enjoying the secrecy of it all. Just like the secrecy of drinking alone only reversed. Weird isn't it?

If I had a bottle with me right now, I'm not sure I would be able to be so strong. But at least so far I have been strong enough not to buy any. Saving me money too. 

I still do starve myself from time to time. Mostly when I am away for work and drinking heavily in my hotel room. I rarely eat on those occasions unless a social activity demands it. I guess that's pretty typical for an alcoholic.

So thanks for keeping in touch and taking the time to reply. 

Mary.

[geoff]

dear Mary, I am proud of you so much, you wouldn't believe it, and your way of thinking is quite amazing, isn't it funny that we all have our different little quirks.

I wasn't sure whether I had mentioned that medication before, but it will work if you want to stop drinking, and as far as I know there are two different types, and the strong one has to be authorised by the government which is no problem.

Even my antidepressant has to government approved, so that my doctor has to ring the government up and get an authorisation number so that I can get a script.

You may have a problem when walking past a bottle shop, but try and use a desensitization technique, firstly by driving near a bottle shop, but you can't see it, but you know it's there, and keep on doing this for awhile, or until you feel comfortable and relaxed.

Then drive past it at a long distance away and do it until you feel comfortable, and gradually get closer and closer but still driving, and so on.

Eventually you will be able to walk past it, but by now you have taught yourself to ignore it, and you will have no problem, and if you regress, then start the process again.

When you go shopping go to Coles early because their bottle department doesn't open until 9 am, and 10am on sunday, but if you want to go to safeway go at 7 am before the bottle department opens at 8am, and keep this up until you can go shopping any time of the day.

I don't really want to say this but I should, if by chance you break, please don't haul yourself along the coals, because it will begin all over again, but you are showing great strength and determination. Keep us in touch please. L Geoff. x

[MaryG]

Hey Geoff,

haha funny how we know all the opening hours. Been caught out by the Liquorland one before on a Sunday. Then the guilt of being the first in the door with my trolley load of groceries for the family. The last couple of weeks I haven't been shopping on my own, so been able to avoid the temptation.

I know every single bottle shop in my area and tried to rotate between them. Always thinking though that the person behind the counter knew exactly why I was there and what my problem was/is. Paranoia! Even when I am away for work (always in the same country) I know all the opening hours and rotate between them. Corner shops sell it there too. Still feeling guilty and paranoid even though they couldn't care less I'm sure.

Thanks for your confidence and encouragement. My weakness will come when I am alone and with opportunity I am sure. 

Mary