Here We Go Again

Cucuboth · ‎02-01-2017

So, here we go again. In to yet another year. Another year that starts like the last one ended. And the one before that. And before that. And continue that another 25+ times. Had another Christmas alone. And another New Year's Eve. My therapist said to try and get my family involved in some form of physical contact ... a hug for instance. But no. They don't want to. So that's that door shut. Again. And they are the only people in my life. I've been writing to another online forum as well as this one, but, it's not doing much good. A lot of same old cliched 'advice' that I have tried to death already. A few that say "message me if you want to talk", so I do, and never hear from them again. Not that any are in Australia anyway. The feeling of isolation is just .... it's like I am being choked. Slowly. I called Lifeline yet again, and yet again got the same disinterest. Yay Lifeline ... way to make someone feel even more worthless. It's going to be another year of the same thing. There's no more hope to hold on to. Just like there's nobody who will hold me. Maybe there is some kind of symmetry in that, I don't know. I can't do this on my own, and yet there is nobody who wants to help. There's only so many times you can 'put yourself out there' again. And again. And again. Only so many hobbies you can have. Only so many times you can ignore it, focus on something else and hope that it will happen 'someday when you least expect it'. Because it never does. I'm just expected to shut up and be happy alone. To be happy, lonely. And I just can't do that.

White_Rose · ‎16-01-2017

Hello again. You have asked me to imagine you are a friend of mine and to tell you what I would say. Here goes.

Many years ago there was song made famous by Charlie Drake. No you probably don't know him. He was an English comedian and I suspect he was part of my generation rather than yours. The song was My boomerang Wont Come Back. These are some of the lyrics.

My boomerang won't come back, my boomerang wont come back.
I've waved the thing all over the place,
Practised 'til I'm 'most black in the face.
I'm a big disgrace to the Aboriginal race.
My boomerang wont come back.

Now listen son I know the trick and to you I'm gonna show it.
If you want your boomerang to come back,
Well first you've got to throw it.

You have been recommended many different options, some of which you have looked at and walked away. You say they're not for you, no one talks to you and other similar comments. All those role plays you have practised in your psych's office have not been used in the real world. Your rehearsals are good but you get stage fright on the big day and run away. Have you ever taken a real situation in life and talked it through with your psych using the CBT principles? Have you looked at what went right or wrong and why. Both sides are equally important. No good blaming other people, you are the master of your fate.

You want to talk to others and make friends? So do we all. Friendship isn't made from one side only. Good friends are the result of many conversations about anything and everything. One person talking about their pet subject make a pretty boring partner and no wonder no one talks to you. You haven't had a proper conversation in many years you say. It's not that others find you unattractive. I presume your new picture is of you, Not especially ugly nor handsome. It's just like the rest of us, not bad.

You will not find friends and companionship until you take responsibility for yourself. You must learn to chat comfortably face to face with people. Use the skills you say you have been practising with your psych. Stop telling everyone you want a cuddle. It would scare me off pretty dam quick. I hug my friends and family and yesterday I spent time crying on my son's shoulder, literally. I can do that because I love him and he loves me. We look out for each other as many families do. My daughter sat me down and made me a cuppa and I was forbidden to drive home for a while because I was not fit. If you want that you must work for it.

Mary

pipsy · ‎16-01-2017

Hi Cucuboth. Just to add to Mary's post. You mentioned you attended Man Shed, but said no-one spoke to you. Can I ask if you spoke to anyone instead of waiting to be spoken to. If you continue to wait till someone reaches out and you don't make a move, how can anyone know what you want and who you are? You are a new-comer and you need to introduce you and perhaps offer assistance. You may be told, 'thanks, but it's not necessary' Don't take the rebuff personally, keep talking to others. Many men at the shed are not 'old men' some of them are quite young and can offer friendship once they feel comfortable with you. You have artistic skills and can offer advice on this as you are knowledgeable. My ex is vice president where he is and many of the men where he is are your age, some are younger. My ex has no ability as far as building skills, his knowledge is computers and the newsletter. You may be able to add artistic value as far as photos/pictures etc. Until you reach out, you have no idea. At this stage you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by reaching out. Forget the 'hugging' and 'cuddling' you seem preoccupied with. My job hardly ever involves the workers hugging, we enjoy the camaraderie of working together and enjoying each others company, but we seldom hug as this wouldn't be appropriate. My kids hug me, I hug them, but I seldom hug others. I'm actually not comfortable being hugged. Lynda

geoff · ‎17-01-2017

hi Cucuboth, 'you can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for the others to come to you, you have to go to them'.
From what I have read is that you're talented in many ways, but you are not utilising any of these to move forward, you don't want to be alone, that's obvious, but you are not using what aspects in your life you love to do, which will then give you plenty of chance to meet someone.
Everything you have tried you don't give it enough time, because as soon as something doesn't work or go your way you chuck it in, you know people who play golf must be the most frustrated people I have known, because onee day they play like a professional, but then their next game they play so bad they want to give it up, but do they, of course not, they persevere, and that's what you are lacking.
Sometimes a family member gives me a kiss whereas the next time they may don't, so do I think that they don't love me, well some senstive people would think exactly that, but we don't realise that that they have had a bad day and that's the reason why.
You are a very talented artist, so use this skill to move forward, to meet other artist's and maybe form a relationship, because what I can se is that you have written on your tea shirt, 'I know you won't give me a hug so it's alright, that's what I expected.
You are in the denial stage, sorry, but I believe that you can try a bit harder, and I'm sorry about what you have said, I do take part of this on board, just use your talents you have plenty to get you over this hump. Geoff.

Cucuboth · ‎18-01-2017

Mary, Lynda, and Geoff

I'll reply to all three of you at once, since it will just be easier. I'm sorry that I have tried most, if not all, of what has been suggested. But that's just it. I have tried them. I don't mean that I just looked in the window, didn't like what I saw, and then walked away. I tried them out, and they didn't work out for me. I tried my best at them. MY best. That might not be up to your best, but it was mine, and really nobody has a right to judge if someone has tried or not. How long do I stay going to place? 6 months? A year? 5 years? 10? 20? As long as it takes? That might be find for you to say, but it's not fine when you have to live through it. This isn't some problem thats only been going on for a few months, or a couple of years. This is most of my life. Most of 40 years. You might think that another year, or another 5 years shouldn't make much of a difference then. But it does. To me, it does.

Lynda, I don't know what the Men's Sheds are like where your husband goes, but the two local ones that I went to were all older men. And yes, I went to them several times, said hello, but never got much of a reply back. Definitely not any reply that felt welcoming. I just didn't feel that I would fit in, or be accepted and understood there. That was my experience, sorry if you have had different experiences but that was mine. Not everyone experiences the same things.

Mary, a therapist once told me that I should smile and say "hello" to everyone that passes by. So I tried that. I'd go for a walk, and when someone came along I would smile and say "hello" or "good morning". The most common response I got was to be told to get lost, although not as politely as that. That's still the most common response I get, apart from just being ignored. What did I do wrong there? How can I put what I might practise in a role-playing session in to practise when that is the response? You can't talk to people who don't want to talk to you, and I just never seem to find anyone who wants to talk to me.

I don't go up to random people and say "I want a cuddle!". Please. I'm not a child, so don't treat me like one.

Geoff. Have I mentioned how long I go to a place? How long I might try at everywhere I have been? To assume that I don't try hard enough is actually quite insulting.

I didn't think I would have to say this, but I am finding logging on to BB is becoming quite anxious now. I'm typing this crying and angry and feeling quite bullied on here.

blondguy · ‎18-01-2017

Hi Cucuboth

I have had chronic anxiety followed by depression. Its been about 34 years of crap. (just for your information)

It is sad that you feel that logging on to BB is causing you some anxiety. You have the courage and strength to say that you are crying and feeling bullied which is a first....but we are still here.

Being a fresh set of eyes I see both sides here....You are in pain...and we are here to help you as much as we can no worries at all Cucuboth....more than happy to 🙂

The other side concerns me. I see a ton of criticism and anger from you which is still okay with the volunteers (to a point) here as we have the skills to deal with your anger and criticism

When I joined Beyond Blue 12 months ago, I had no idea that all these caring people were here. You have had the guts to post and good on you....seriously. We just cant help a person that has a closed mind. Acceptance of any help is the start of the rocky road to recovery. You are stuck. We cant pull you out until you let us....

We are only here to help you help yourself....Its your call...not ours

You are actually bullying yourself here...There are many people (not on the forums) I know that would crawl over broken glass to have the encouragement and support you have been provided here Cucu.

Paul

geoff · ‎18-01-2017

hi Cucuboth, I'm sorry if I have upset you, that was never my intention, but sometimes there are times when we try another approach, and no you're not a child only stuck in a situation where you are unable to move and although what we have said it could be a way to bring you back to reality.
I won't annoy you any more. Geoff.

Guest_1055 · ‎18-01-2017

Dear Cucuboth,

I was just about to go and hide somewhere, because I am struggling too. But I wanted to see if you were alright. I read your last post, I can see you are hurting behind your words. Your emotions stand out to me more so then the words. I am sorry that you are hurting so very much.

Here is a hug for you, it is a type of hug that says I care about you, you are important, your feelings and thoughts are valid and I have seen your tears and pain. This hug is given freely by me, no payment needed or strings attached. Nor any expectations placed upon you.

Thanks heaps for seeing if I am okay, that is so kind of you. Almost happy tears.. I am unable to reply properly to your previous reply to me, because I am not in such a good place, as my heart is hurting also, but I have the impression you will understand that.

Also no apology needed, and please....please don't feel pressured to reply to me. I just want you to feel free.

Don't lose hope hey ! and you are welcome in regards to the "star" cookies.

Shell

Guest_1055 · ‎20-01-2017

Hi cucuboth,

Just popped by to see if you were here, maybe you have gone into hiding, depression and other troubles can push us back into that safe and alone place, where people can't hurt us anymore. Well that is what happens to me, does this happen to you also?

I have no idea if you will read this, but I care about you, even though you don't really know me.... I hate the thought of you hurting all alone.

And also you mentioned about wanting friends etc, and not having to pay to for it. I totally agree, friendship and that sort of connection should be freely given and shared. I am no expert in the friendship area though, just a beginner stepping out and taking a risk into that scary place.

You told me the weather was hot on the day you wrote the last post to me. Well yes it had been very hot also where I live. I just looked out the window then though to be greeted with a downpour of rain. Nice.... Now I can hear the pouring rain hitting the tin roof out the back.

Anyway I am thinking of you at the moment and hoping you are okay.

Shell

MelissaP · ‎20-01-2017

I think u should go get an hour massage.

its human contact, relaxing and not too costly 😊

Guest_1055 · ‎22-01-2017

I really don't know if you are reading this cucuboth, so perhaps I am talking to an empty thread. Anyway I just popped by again to say hello and I do hope you are okay.

Shell